Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Tutorial Tuesday: How to Hit on a Guy

Valentine's Day is coming up and if you're a chick that means one of two things: you're either stressing out about being romantic with your boy toy or else you're single and have already started making self-pitying "jokes" about how comically alone you'll be on the 14th (and going home and crying at yourself in the mirror).  If you're the latter, I'm here to help (if you're the former, go for a stuffed teddy bear, minimum 5-foot height requirement).

The first thing you need to do is stop being so blatant about being single.  No guy wants to hear about how much cheesecake you consume on the daily to replace the hole in your life where a man should be.  This is along the same logic as playing "hard to get," except instead of being coy and slightly out of reach your goal is just to not be creepily desperate.  Secondly, make sure you look presentable AT ALL TIMES.  This means beauty boot camp: no yoga pants until V-Day and you have to start wearing concealer again.  It sucks but it's the only way.  Also consider reading up on sports and grilling hamburgers, both great topics to discuss with males.

Now it's time to hit the town and hit on some dudes.  I would suggest going out with girls who won't bitch if you ditch.  Also, stick to groups of 4 or fewer (groups of girls exceeding 5 tend to naturally form exclusive circles and dance together all night, forming an impenetrable barrier of awful dancing).

Now usually guys will approach YOU, in which case you only have to woo him with your good looks.  If you don't have those, personality and intelligent conversation will have to do.  However, most of us are aware that chivalry is dying a slow painful death and I personally like to attribute all the world's problems to the global warming myth.

So you see that as chivalry decreases temperatures increase, clearly.  Disclaimer: I'm not really sure how graphs (or math in general) work.

In the inevitable (yet oddly empowering) event that you have to take the initiative, keep the following strategies in mind.

  1. Men like to feel needed.  Feign an argument with your girl-friend and approach him, asking if he'll kindly be the third-party settling opinion.  Things like cars and workout strategies are good.
  2. Along those lines, I've heard it's cute when girls can be "one of the guys."  However take this advice with a shot of tequila and a grain of salt because it's a fine line to walk and if you talk too much about the end zone you could wind up in the friend zone.
  3. Establish common ground.  This essentially means lying until you convince him that you share a similar interest (a good way to do this is to acquire a base of knowledge about a wide range of topics by watching lots of Jeopardy), and then subtly slip in a comment about meeting for coffee to talk about ________.
  4. Hands down the method with the highest personal success rate is this little nugget: I've found that if you persistently make "jokes" about how a guy you know is your boyfriend (with him in ear shot), eventually he will become so uncomfortable he will be unable to refuse your advances.  Call it what you will but I consider being weird an endearing quality.
  5. If that doesn't work (read: if YOU mess it up because there's no way it doesn't work), impress him with your dance moves.  For example, I devote about 15 minutes a day learning how to do the worm.  Don't have any rhythm?  Joke dancing is a good option because it makes you appear funny and covers up the bleak reality that you cannot dance in the slightest.
And with that here comes the bride (that's you)!*

*For all who find a significant other because of this post I reserve an invitation and free limo ride to your wedding.**