Monday, December 24, 2012

Terrible Things That Must End in 2013

Inspired by Gawker's list of 22 Terrible Things That Must End in 2013, I've compiled my own list of things that have long since been okay.  Here we go.

Ugly Sweater Parties.  WHY?  This was fun briefly back in 2008, when it wasn't the theme of every party from November to December.  If I wanted to wear a sweater that lights up or has cotton balls all over it I would have been a kindergarten teacher in 1996.  In protest of these functions I like to dress in the sexiest outfit I can.

Hacking Facebook.  Guess what isn't funny?  Statuses that say "I like penis" or "omg I looooove Insert Name of Hacker so much she is my best friend and I wish I was like her."  Do you really think anyone believes that person just got inked for the first time or genuinely posted a Nickelback music video?  NO.  STOP IT.

Planking.  Oh, how cool, you can lay faced down on the sign of your dorm.  Maybe if planking was as badass as this, then it would be cool.  Until then, why don't we all just stand up and take a normal damn picture.

Girls Wearing Boy Clothes at the Gym.  This trend should have been laid to rest in 2011.  Unless you're a WNBA player, you are not badass enough (well, really even if you are a WNBA player...) to be wearing tall socks.  Yes, I have about seven T-shirts I spontaneously cut the armpits out of because I thought it would make me look cooler when I worked out.  Do I wear them now?  HELL NO.  Do I regret that I did this?  HELL YES, but shirt armpits cannot be sewn back, only preserved in the future.  Let us learn from our mistakes ladies.  Yes, even you with the cursive ribcage quote tattoo.

Westboro Baptist Church.  You know that kid that you babysat for that always used to fling food at you because he was starved for attention and thought he was being a badass?  Well, he's kind of like WBC.  If we ALL just ignore them, maybe they'll go away.

Playing Quarters at Bars.  I tell you what, it is always someone.  You're enjoying a nice beer or six and then you start hearing that quang-clang-ding-ding-dingggg.  I don't allow this game in my own home, so it really beats me why some people think this sort of thing is okay in public.  I have an idea for another game you can play.  It's called Go to Hell.  It's like the adult version of the Quiet Game.

Clipping Your Nails Around Others.  MAN, AIN'T NOBODY WANNA HEAR THAT.  YOU RATCHET.

Taylor Swift.  I'm not saying I hope she gets into a legal suit that slowly dwindles away all her fortunes and leaves her penniless and shameful, but if it has to be that way, then who am I to stop fate?  Speaking of her...

Red Lipstick.  Ladies, let's all just cut this out.  There's a 99.9% chance that you cannot pull off red lipstick.  If you have tried about 50 different tubes trying to find your "perfect shade," then I hate to be the one to break this to you but you're obviously not figuring it out yourself: IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.   Unless you are trying to look like one of the Addams, a hussy, or someone who is trying too hard, then give it up.  Chapstick will do.

Apocalyptic Blockbusters.  Were there as many end-of-the-world movies before Y2K?  I'm hoping now that the world has scraped past December 21st we can cut the zombie crap and make movies that aren't about Earth being rediscovered as a dust-covered wasteland with ultra-dangerous robot animals.  Although how ironic would it have been if the world had ended before all those movies came out?  Lolz.

Gourmet Cupcakes.  People are making careers out of decorating normal, box-mix cupcakes to look like rose petals and alligators and shit.  White girls eat that crap up, literally.

Saran Wrap.  For the love of GOD, will someone please come up with a Saran Wrap-like product that doesn't stick to my hand and face.  Shit's dangerous.

Using "That Girl" or "That Guy" as Your Twitter Name.  DO YOU THINK I KNOW WHO YOU ARE?  How about That Unoriginal Asshole.  That'll stand out.

Koozies From Weddings.  Apparently everyone who has gotten married in the last three years thought it was an awesomely original (cough Pinterest cough) idea to make koozies with the couples name on them for their wedding party favors.  Now I have an entire drawer of koozies with people's wedding date on them, so I never forget.  How 'bout that.

As always, I'm not sorry if I offended anyone, and may a happier year be upon us.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

The People You'll Encounter on Winter Break

Whenever I'm away from college, I really start missing biddies.  It's hard being away from your natural habitat, because you start realizing cruel things about the real world like that you can't pay for Starbucks with your student ID or that everyone in the world isn't young and hot.  But here I am on winter break, happily not paying for any of my own meals but being forced to work out in a gym with old people and go to bars where people actually play with those little handheld electronic games.  The horror.

I love my hometown.  Truly, I do.  Sometimes when I'm away I miss swerving deer on the way home or the sounds of gunshots from the shooting range mere acres from my house.  It's a small town where most of us know each other and bond together in a communal hatred for the same things: Wal-Mart, cities, and the brats students at the university in town.  But there are other things that I have questionable feelings about, and most of them are the types of people I encounter while home on break.  Also the uncanny love of all things venison in this town...

Your Parents
The older you get the less likely it is that your friends will return home over breaks.  This leaves you the option of hanging out with your new roommates: your parents.  It's not that bad; the alcohol is nicer, the meals are better, and at this point in your life you're probably more friends with your parents than the bane of their existence.

Old Teachers and Principals
It's one thing when you see these people when you are a current student, but it's a whole different thing when you've been graduated for four years.  There's that moment when you're waiting to see if they'll recognize you, during which you contemplate diving into the mall fountain or leaping over the bar at the coffee shop to hide under the counter.  If they do recognize you, it can mean one of two things: That you made a really good impression, or that you ruined their every ounce of willpower and passion for life and they haven't freaking forgotten.

Your Mom's Friends
Somehow you only see them at brunch when you are severely hungover and they are in packs.

Friends From High School
Thank sweet baby jesus for these people that make break bearable.  When you all get together at sketchy but gloriously cheap hometown bars it's almost like your back in homeroom, gossiping ruthlessly about the same people you did in high school, except this time it's awesomer because you get to talk about who got fat.  Let's just say there's nothing better than the Head Bitch of Ridgemont High didn't exactly get into the pretty sorority.

Neutrals From High School
Eh, whatever.  It's fun to run into these people because it gives you something to talk about with your friends and one will undoubtedly have some throwback reunion birthday party, but as soon as break is over you can go back to forgetting they exist until they pop up in your newsfeed ten years from now.

People You Hate From High School
If you're lucky, these people are the same people who got fat.  If you're not, you will immediately revert back to the awkward, clammy-handed, brace-faced high schooler who had zero self-confidence and a lot of stress pimples.

People Who Never Got Out
This is just sad.  I don't know about y'all's hometowns but if you don't leave when you can YOU NEVER WILL.  It's called the Black Hole Phenomenon, and it ends with you working at the Mediterranean restaurant downtown taking out garbage until you're 27, when you decide opening your own meth lab is a good career strategy.  You might also see girls that have gotten pregnant, which is really the best scenario because there's no awkward conversation with this type of person: pregnant bitches love to talk about being pregnant bitches.  You can also make jokes about her being the Virgin Mary 2.0 and other Jesus/Christmas related idioms.

Your High School Ex
There's only one way this situation can be good: if he's done a dating downgrade thus declaring you the winner of the breakup.  There are other less favorable possible outcomes...

You young lovers might  rekindle the old hormonally driven flame after realizing you miss each other (you don't miss each other, you're bored) over a coffee.  You might hook up for a few weeks and then come the second week of January you'll have to have the same conversation you had four years ago: that you'll always love each other but you just can't turn down all the opportunities college offers you.  If he cries, it's reassurance you're making the right decision.  If you cry, you should be ashamed of yourself.  But hey, old habits die hard.

On the other hand, he might have upgraded.  While his hot girlfriend may seem like the worst thing in the world, do NOT spend your winter break sulking in angst and playing patty-cake with your diary.  It isn't entirely awful; this gives you the opportunity to act however you want.  If he brings his new girl around then you have every right to act as crazy and unreasonably territorial as you normally are but have to mask.  Things like throwing tantrums/drinks at the bar, calling up his mother to wish her happy holidays (she always liked you) while accidentally letting it slip you heard her new future daughter-in-law has the syph, or hooking up with every boy from high school that you always wished you could have dated instead of wasting your time with that no-load are all acceptable reactions.

Winter Break Hook-Ups
Everybody's gotta do something on New Year's right?  Plus, it's good to keep some people on the back burner for when you're bored on future breaks.  Just saying.

Santa Impersonators
Does anyone else think that the numerous amount of Santas around town can be confusing to little kids?  Like they must have so many questions...

Happy mingling, and may your Winter Break end just before you go insane, go insane, throw some glitter make it snow.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Dos and Donts of Winter Break

Winter break is above all the other breaks in its greatness.  Thanksgiving break is nestled conveniently between the semester's final hell weeks and exams so that one can never really stop thinking about school.  Spring break is annoying because girls agonize for weeks beforehand about how they'll look in a bikini, never mind that they'll all look bloated by the time they polish off that seventh beer around noon.  This leaves winter break, a stressless month of home-cooked meals, tinsel, glittery wrapping paper and Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas."  Here are a few rules to make sure you're not acting the fool over break.

DO NOT post your grades online.  I know it's fun to update your Facebook and Twitter about how difficult your exams were compared to everyone else, so it's no surprise that it's even more fun to post your semester GPA and a full tally of As and Bs to the world.  OH WAIT, NO IT'S NOT.   Stop that.  Turns out, the world wasn't refreshing their Facebook feed to see your academic success because we all knew you were a big douche anyway.  No need to reinforce that.

DO mingle with old friends from high school.  It wouldn't be winter break without an awkward run-in with your high school boyfriend or a few minutes of obligatory uncomfortable small talk in the grocery store with the girls you hated all the way from K through 12.  Who knows, maybe someone will even have a reunion, which is fun until you realize that there's a reason you graduated.  Turns out it's the same reason you're not moving back after college.

DO NOT mingle with old friends from high school for too long.  I don't want an in-depth update on your current job search or how many parties you go to at big bad college.  All I really want is assurance that my life is better than yours, and then we can part ways.  And please, for the love of god, DO NOT go to parties hosted by kids that are still in high school.

DO spend a ridiculous amount of time planning your New Years Eve outfit.  This is the most important outfit of the year...because it's the first and only outfit of the year.  We all know New Years Eve is anticlimactic and you will undoubtedly end up crying in the closet of some sketchy house party.

DO NOT put reindeer antlers on your car.  This is acceptable only for people who are over the age of 65, have given up on life, or who are Santa.

DO avoid old hangouts or places in town where everyone goes.  This goes for people from a small town.  Be conscious of where you spend your time.  Do you want to see your old chemistry teacher at the coffee shop while you read the sequel and tre-quel to Fifty Shades of Gray?

DO NOT try to arrange a Secret Santa swap.  Does anyone like these?  The only reason these are still a thing is because it's tradition and people feel guilty if they don't participate in at least three Secret Santa swaps per season.  But honestly, who wants to buy a present for their coworker they know only on a polite water cooler greeting level?  And people set ridiculous rules, like $30 limits.  WHAT?  THIRTY DOLLARS FOR JANET FROM HUMAN RESOURCES??  No sir.  If you absolutely must do a gift swap, do something cool like have everyone bring a six pack of beer and then you get to mix and match bottles.

DO behave yourself at your family friends' Christmas party.  The adults will undoubtedly ask you how school is going and your future plans, so you better have something intelligent to say.  Parents don't like when their kids' only plan after college is to go backpacking across Europe and work odd jobs so that you might eventually find yourself.  Also, bringing a gift is a nice touch.  You know, like desserts, a nice ornament, or a bottle of wine.  It makes them think you have your shit together.

DO NOT get wasted at your family friends' Christmas party.  You don't want to be remembered for the year you got too drunk off Miss Tammy's sangria and had to be taken home by a very apologetic mom and dad.  Also, avoid eggnog and fruitcake.  That stuff's nay-sty.

DO use your time wisely.  This is the time to catch up on all the stuff you've been putting off all semester, like finally watching Breaking Bad or seeing how long you can keep hitting a ping pong ball for without dropping it.

DO NOT use the end of the world as an excuse to drink heavily.  It's overdone.  I prefer drinking heavily for the sake of drinking heavily.

But, you know, if the world does end...I hope to see some of you in hell.  I'll be there, burning all the dumb gifts I got from Secret Santa this year.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Tutorial Tuesday: How to Have a Successful Relationship

Despite Taylor Swift's best efforts to tell you otherwise, I'm living, breathing, neurotic proof that you can be 100% crazy and still keep a boyfriend for longer than two weeks.  I know that sometimes I write about having a boyfriend and you might just think he's a fantasy man, but I assure you he's real and has been stuck in  enjoying a stable relationship with me for more than a year.  Let me save you the $5 a month you spend on Cosmopolitan because I'm about to tell you the secrets to having a successful relationship.  It even works for crazy bitches.


First you need to abandon all efforts to remain "sexy."  Give it up.  It may work for a few weeks, but there will be a time when he realizes all your dirty secrets: that you fart six of the eight hours you spend sleeping, that your two front teeth are fake, that your childhood room still holds all 300 of your beanie babies.  Eventually he'll see what you look like without makeup on, and let's just say there's a little less "sexy" and a little more "beast."

Find something you both enjoy doing together.  Hiking, cooking, Words with Friends, working out.  I especially recommend the last one, because it combines being un-sexy and having a joint hobby.  For example, every time me and my boyfriend squat together I tell him that the face I make while squatting is the same face I make while pooping.  (Honesty, people.  That's all it takes.)  Just make sure you don't start doing everything together.  We all know those people who invite their boyfriends to girls' nights.  You know who you are.  Quit that.

In the words of relationship/how-to-burn-out-quickly guru John Mayer, "say what you need to say."  I'm sick of girls freaking out about how to respond to a text from a boy inviting her to hang out.  A simple yes or no would suffice, but no.  Girls have to write an outline, then a first draft, then have her friends edit and revise that shit before she even thinks about sending it.  By the time it's sent it sounds like the girl is a schizo because all of her friends have contributed their own opinions.  NEWSFLASH: There's no "double meaning" for guys.  Unlike girls, boys aren't insane creeps who read too much into everything.  Cut the crap.  If you like him, tell him (unless you've never spoken to him before...that's weird).  If you want a certain type of perfume for Christmas, tell him.  He'll appreciate it.

Truth.  But she still sucks.

Like I've mentioned before, all girls are crazy.  This doesn't mean that you should embrace that, at least until you've been dating a guy for three months.  You see, three months is the critical point in a relationship, more important than a one year anniversary or your first fight.  If you continue to date after three months you better make sure you're prepared because you're in it for the long haul.  If you truly weren't LTR material then the relationship will naturally end at or before three months.*

*This is all factual information based on a scientific study I conducted.  Subjects were my boyfriends in high school.

SO, once you're in the safe-zone it is totally okay to let that crazy shine through.  After all, he's stuck with you, so fly those crazy flags and fly them high.  Do you think my boyfriend knew I had severe psychological issues and an intense need to be the alpha-female when he fell in love with me at first sight?  Absolutely not, because that's not the type of thing you tell anyone until you have guilted them into spending the rest of your life with you.  If he were to break up with me now, he would look like an asshole.

Also, good relationships are built on threats.  For example, "if you break up with me I will literally ruin your life in the form of detrimental libel posted all over the internet.  You will never be employable again."  Things of that nature.  I was having lunch with my friend Jordan the other day, discussing pleasant topics like this when he looked at me, deadpan with a hint of fear in his voice, and said "You would be a crazy ex-girlfriend."  Yes, but it's a situation that's easy to avoid: don't break up with me.

Now I realize I sound like a feminazi.  You have to remember that boys are humans and have feelings too.  That's why it's important to do cute things like bake cookies and crap.  Also, don't be boring, don't do any of this stuff, offer to pay for dinner sometimes, and never ever insult his mother.

Lastly, guys want girls who can be feminine and delicate, sexy and thin, but who can still eat hamburgers for every meal, never poop, and be one of the guys.  So as long as you've mastered that you should be good.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Top Ten Myths Girls Love to Believe

Guys live in a fantasy land made up of fake football leagues, girls that only look like Maxim models, and Hardee's burgers that are 100% angus beef.  But girls are just as bad.  It's a proven science fact that if you tell yourself something enough eventually it becomes true for you.  This is why when a girl's ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend she'll say over and over again that "she's not even that pretty" because she's trying to convince herself that it's true.  Like I said, science.  Here are the top ten lies women live by.

1.  Girls love to think that if another girl is mean to them, or is ignoring them, or gives them a dirty look it obviously means that she's jealous.  If someone doesn't like you it's not that you're a bitch, are loud and annoying, or actually neurotic.  It's definitely because she's jealous.  Definitely.

2.  I'm not against tattoos or piercings in any way.  It's 2012, and far be it from me to give two craps if you get a nose stud.  But that's just it.  People don't care.  So ladies, the next time you really feel like you need a pink streak or your left rook pierced, remember two things.  First, don't go around asking what everyone else thinks.  It's not their body, and I can guarantee you they don't care so either do it or shut up.  Secondly, don't think that it'll magically make you look better or more unique.  The only people who notice people's piercings or tattoos are other people with piercings or tattoos.

3.  If you use your middle name as your last name on Facebook your security is enhanced.  Mostly I'm pissed about this because people keep popping up on my Newsfeed and I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE without a last name.  Who is Jennifer Leigh?  Ashley Renee?  Beats the hell out of me.  Do these people think that their future employers won't be able to find all their party pics now?  Again, it's 2012.  I think the Internet is a little beyond that.

4.  Workouts on Pinterest.  Let me tell you something.  You don't get buns by doing 100 jumping jacks and 50 air squats, in the same way that you don't get a full body workout in ten minutes.  I can also tell you that's NOT the workout Victoria's Secret models do.  I'm sick of all this crap about how workouts are more effective in the morning before your "body knows what's going on."  WHAT?  How about you work out when you freaking feel like it, suck it up, and be hardcore for once.  Chair exercises are not hardcore.  If you're not trying to be hardcore than by all means, go plank on a chair, watch a few John Basedow videos and then maybe you top it off with a nice run.  Enjoy being skinny-fat.  And that's all I'll say about that.

Is "pilates" French for "sprints and not eating crap"?
And you'll look the exact same as you do now!

5.  That you and your boyfriend are the "fun couple."  There is no such thing as a fun couple, especially if you have single friends.  More fitting adjectives might be "gross," "most-hated," or "attached-at-the-hip."  People don't like hanging out with couples.  There's a reason no one wants to be a third wheel, and it's because friends and boyfriends are two separate realms.

6.  That they're not going to be exactly like their mothers.  They either are already, or they will be.  Just wait.

7.  That they can be friends with their exes.  It sounds nice, in theory.  I'm even guilty of trying it myself (although, as I like to remind my boyfriend daily, I am flawless in pretty much every other way).*  But think about it in the long-term.  What is your Future Husband Jason (if you're lucky...Jasons are notoriously hot) going to say when you still call High School Derek to catch up when you're back in town visiting mom and dad, or if you invite College Rob to your Christmas party.  No.  It's weird.  Or let's say, heaven forbid, he moves on first.  You're going to hate that, even if you claim that you're not the jealous type.  Which, by the way, you are.

*Sometimes when I write stuff like this I get scared people will think I'm being serious so I feel the need to put an asterisk with a disclaimer.  Although I was being serious about the boyfriend part.  He needs to know.

8.  That you're not the jealous type.  THIS IS NOT A THING.  ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY.  I REPEAT: ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY.  Some are just better at hiding it.  But be warned, those are the ones you need to watch out for the most.  You've seen that show Snapped?  Yeah, well...point made.

9.  That he's not an asshole.  He is.  In the same way that all women are crazy, all men are assholes.  It's just the way of the world, the way it has to be.  Men make women crazy because they're assholes, and women are crazy because men are assholes.  These are the traits we hate about the opposite sex but also the traits we love.  Why?  Well, first because everyone needs something to complain about.  Also, girls would have nothing to talk about with each other at lunch if guys weren't giant douchers all the time, and guys would have no one to sleep with if they swore off the crazy chicks.  Tell me I'm wrong.  No one?  That's what I thought.  Moving on.

10. That they're being healthy when they get a salad and then dump two cups of low fat honey dijon on it, and that drinking Diet Coke is a healthy choice.

I suppose we all need something to believe in, it's just that some people are stupid and everyone should have the same opinions as me.  But no matter what, I think we can all agree on one thing: that the end of the world is definitely near.