Thursday, December 20, 2012

Dos and Donts of Winter Break

Winter break is above all the other breaks in its greatness.  Thanksgiving break is nestled conveniently between the semester's final hell weeks and exams so that one can never really stop thinking about school.  Spring break is annoying because girls agonize for weeks beforehand about how they'll look in a bikini, never mind that they'll all look bloated by the time they polish off that seventh beer around noon.  This leaves winter break, a stressless month of home-cooked meals, tinsel, glittery wrapping paper and Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas."  Here are a few rules to make sure you're not acting the fool over break.

DO NOT post your grades online.  I know it's fun to update your Facebook and Twitter about how difficult your exams were compared to everyone else, so it's no surprise that it's even more fun to post your semester GPA and a full tally of As and Bs to the world.  OH WAIT, NO IT'S NOT.   Stop that.  Turns out, the world wasn't refreshing their Facebook feed to see your academic success because we all knew you were a big douche anyway.  No need to reinforce that.

DO mingle with old friends from high school.  It wouldn't be winter break without an awkward run-in with your high school boyfriend or a few minutes of obligatory uncomfortable small talk in the grocery store with the girls you hated all the way from K through 12.  Who knows, maybe someone will even have a reunion, which is fun until you realize that there's a reason you graduated.  Turns out it's the same reason you're not moving back after college.

DO NOT mingle with old friends from high school for too long.  I don't want an in-depth update on your current job search or how many parties you go to at big bad college.  All I really want is assurance that my life is better than yours, and then we can part ways.  And please, for the love of god, DO NOT go to parties hosted by kids that are still in high school.

DO spend a ridiculous amount of time planning your New Years Eve outfit.  This is the most important outfit of the year...because it's the first and only outfit of the year.  We all know New Years Eve is anticlimactic and you will undoubtedly end up crying in the closet of some sketchy house party.

DO NOT put reindeer antlers on your car.  This is acceptable only for people who are over the age of 65, have given up on life, or who are Santa.

DO avoid old hangouts or places in town where everyone goes.  This goes for people from a small town.  Be conscious of where you spend your time.  Do you want to see your old chemistry teacher at the coffee shop while you read the sequel and tre-quel to Fifty Shades of Gray?

DO NOT try to arrange a Secret Santa swap.  Does anyone like these?  The only reason these are still a thing is because it's tradition and people feel guilty if they don't participate in at least three Secret Santa swaps per season.  But honestly, who wants to buy a present for their coworker they know only on a polite water cooler greeting level?  And people set ridiculous rules, like $30 limits.  WHAT?  THIRTY DOLLARS FOR JANET FROM HUMAN RESOURCES??  No sir.  If you absolutely must do a gift swap, do something cool like have everyone bring a six pack of beer and then you get to mix and match bottles.

DO behave yourself at your family friends' Christmas party.  The adults will undoubtedly ask you how school is going and your future plans, so you better have something intelligent to say.  Parents don't like when their kids' only plan after college is to go backpacking across Europe and work odd jobs so that you might eventually find yourself.  Also, bringing a gift is a nice touch.  You know, like desserts, a nice ornament, or a bottle of wine.  It makes them think you have your shit together.

DO NOT get wasted at your family friends' Christmas party.  You don't want to be remembered for the year you got too drunk off Miss Tammy's sangria and had to be taken home by a very apologetic mom and dad.  Also, avoid eggnog and fruitcake.  That stuff's nay-sty.

DO use your time wisely.  This is the time to catch up on all the stuff you've been putting off all semester, like finally watching Breaking Bad or seeing how long you can keep hitting a ping pong ball for without dropping it.

DO NOT use the end of the world as an excuse to drink heavily.  It's overdone.  I prefer drinking heavily for the sake of drinking heavily.

But, you know, if the world does end...I hope to see some of you in hell.  I'll be there, burning all the dumb gifts I got from Secret Santa this year.

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