Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Why Being a Baby is Awesome

People who try and tell you your twenties is the best time of your life are big fat liars.  Nor is it the carefree days of kindergarten, nor your thirties when you're starting a family (yeah right, no one says that).  It's not even post-retirement when you get to go to Alaska for 3 weeks or get the Early Bird Special at Golden Corral.  No no, the best time in your life is without a doubt ... babyhood.

THINK ABOUT IT.  Babies do not have to walk anywhere.  They are pushed around in a personalized stroller that, in this day and age, most likely comes with built-in toys.  If they're not riding along in their chariot, they're being held and carried around and cooed at.  The best part?  Even though they're not doing one single bit of physical activity, it doesn't even matter if they get fat because people will just think they're more cute.  It's fine when a 6-month-old has fat rolls on her forearms, but it's gross when I do??  What gives?!  Excuse the hell out of me for not having lost my baby fat yet.

And then we have the whole "eating" aspect.  They don't have to feed themselves, and yes, while their food probably tastes like mashed snails they don't even care because they're infants!  When they get food on their face people think it's adorable and their mom cleans it up.  When I get food on my face no one says anything all day until my boyfriend tries to discreetly remove left-over chocolate from my chin while lying to me that I'm beautiful (he means "disgusting").  THEN, when the food comes out the other end they don't even have to clean up after themselves.  They can poop anytime, anywhere, and it is totally normal ... not to mention convenient for them.

One last point in favor of babies.  If they don't want to wear clothes, they sure as hell don't have to, but you know what happened the last time I tried to run giddy and naked through the sprinkler?  Someone tackled me and put me in jail.  Just kidding, that never happened, but if it did I'm sure that would be the outcome.

I guess my point is that even though we all want to, acting like a baby is just not acceptable anymore, but that won't stop me from trying.

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