Sunday, April 29, 2012

How I Feel About Finals

Good luck everybody!  I'll just be here, trolling the internet and pretending to study.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Where Not to Meet Guys

A lot of my gal friends complain about how it's "impossible to meet guys."  Like everything biddies say, this is a complex statement with several potential meanings.  So what does a girl mean when she says this?  Shut up and I'll tell you.

An amateur might assume that meeting guys is literally impossible.  This is doubtful, unless the girl is a nun, and by that I mean attending an all-girls school.

She could mean that she meets very few guys.  This is slightly probable, especially if she goes to a college like JMU which comprises 60% females and 40% males.  But even as I sit on campus at this very moment I can spot at least 3 people who seem to be males in a room of about 7.  There are definitely guys around, and they're not that hard to meet.  Guys between the ages of puberty and receding-hairline are thirsty to meet women because all they think about is sex, so they're probably willing to chatter about with you.

The most likely meaning is that all the guys they meet are unsuitable to their tastes or do not meet their standards.  This isn't unfounded.  I conducted a rough survey in which I categorized the 40% of dudes at JMU, and as you can by these results it is slim pickins:

60% douchebags, 20% weirdos/socially awkward, 10% boyfriends, 9% bad hygiene, and 1% nice guys.
While the reality that MORE THAN HALF of guys are douchers, I encourage you to focus on that little slice of reassurance.  Nice Guys.  They're out there.  It's just a matter of finding them, which is something that, quite frankly, I don't know how to do.  But I do know what types of guys you will find in certain places so you know where to avoid and where to hone in on with your gaggle of single ladies.

Do you want to tell your future kids that you met when Daddy grinded up on you at a kegger in some sketchy basement?  No, because then they'll grow up and think it's okay to do the same thing.  That stuff is cyclical.  

The Gym
There are a few things that run rampant at the gym: steroids, annoying people, and hormones.  Do not let this fool you into thinking it's a good place to mingle.  Guys are doing their best to appear strong and manly but IT IS A TRAP.  Underneath that sweaty muscle-y exterior is a pompous doucher who only cares about his sweaty muscle-y exterior and what you think of it.  If you want a total meathead raising your kids then suuuure, go for it.

Coffee Shops, Concerts, Downtown "Shows"
Yeah, these guys might be cute in that flannelly beard-y way but before they woo you with their guitar-playing and mother-nature-vibes think about this:
  1. Musicians never make money, and you are lying if you say you don't mind being poor for the rest of your life.
  2. He will make you convert to his vegan lifestyle.  You may not notice at first but these guys know how to brainwash.  Do you really want to give up bacon egg and cheese biscuits?  No, and if you say you do again you are lying.
  3. They don't shower that much, and they are unreliable.  
The bottom line is that the biddie lifestyle does not condone these types of men, unless you want a total flake as a boyfriend.

The Library
You might think that guys in the library are smart and driven and destined for greatness.  While that may be true, those are not the guys who are going to hit on you at the library precisely because they are smart and driven and destined for greatness.  No, the guys you're going to pick up are there purely for the show and they just want you to think they are the former.  It all breaks down to backpack size: if it's 2 feet deep your boyfriend will have back problems, if it's 2 notebook papers deep then you're going to have back problems from picking up all the extra slack in your relationship.  

This is usually a good bet, but if something goes awry it makes it really awkward for the rest of the semester, so use caution.  Always target guys who look smarter so that once he's whipped, he'll take all your notes and do all your homework for you.

The Dining Hall
Not sure about this one.  While people tend to bond over food no one looks attractive whilst eating, and I'm not sure how to strike up a conversation in the hot dog line without being awkward.

So with that dismal summary, I wish you good luck and good looks.  Don't be discouraged, there's always the internet.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Perks of Being a Bitch

Bitches have a terrible and undeserved reputation, but they have their place in the world.  Do you think Katniss Everdeen, JWoww and Condoleezza Rice got where they are because they're nice to people and go to Sunday School every week?  HELL NO.  Those women are bad-ass bitches who got what they want because they're not afraid to tear it up.

There's no cure for bitchicitis.  The only thing to do is to embrace it.  Bitches must know they are bitches and give it 110%.  Once you do that, you can sit back and enjoy your bitchy lifestyle.

The first advantage is that you no longer have to feel bad about hurting people's feelings.  Say whatever you want, whenever you want, to whomever you want.  Not having a conscience really takes a load off.

So after you've said whatever you want to whomever you want, you might assume that there are consequences.  There are, but guess what?  You don't care.  If you talk bad about someone behind their back, chances are they'll eventually find out and perhaps confront you.  But the thing is, people can get mad at me for talking about them all they want but at the end of the day I still would probably say everything to their face, and I would gladly say it again.  To their face.  Don't consider it being bitchy, it's more like being efficient by cutting out the middle man/shared friend of gossiping.

When you are a bitch, you are nobody's door mat.  People never ask you to help out with anything because you just bitch about it.  No longer will people ask you to help with their homework, pick up some milk on your way home, or hold their screaming snotty baby.  There's a reason it's called HBIC, not Head Nice Kind Lady In Charge.

Being a bitch also makes you immune to insults.  Generally, shit-talking someone warrants them shit-talking about you in response (karma, or whatever).  Insults can get pretty intense, like girls calling other girls bitches.  But since you already know this to be true and you don't care, it rolls right off you.  Oh wow, you called me a bitch?  Let me go lick my wounds while you come up with more things I ALREADY KNOW.

Lastly, if for nothing else, being a bitch is entertaining to you and others.  If we weren't all bitches at some point or another, there would be no drama and life would be boring.  Bitches, just like all peoples of the world, love drama and if you say you don't then you can just go have a boring miserable life baking apple pies for your husband and the ladies in your quilt circle.  Also, though being bitchy might find you with no close friends because you've screwed them all over, at least people will look at you as a novelty friend, someone to keep around as spectacle.

Also, I'm pretty sure being bitchy burns more calories.  Bitch on, betches!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Annoying People Friday: People at the Gym

I always say that if I was an anthropologist I would do my field study in a regular American gym.  Those places are chock-full of social norms, subcultural behavior, and FREAKING WEIRDOS.  The gym is not the real world: you can do things here that you can't elsewhere, like stretch provocatively in the hallway or pretend you have the strength of an NFL lineman.  Unfortunately, many don't know the laws of the gym and their only seeming purpose while exercising is to be annoying while doing it.  Here are some common annoying people I've observed while balancing my work out with tolerating idiots.

The Workout Buddies
[RANT ALERT] I understand some people aren't like me and as such don't enjoy the monotony and solitude of 60 minutes of cardio with their iPods screaming into their ears.  But excuse me when I informally infer that people who work out with other people DON'T WORK OUT.  Maybe if you actually broke a sweat instead of trolling it would be a different story, but if I wanted to wander around chattering about NOTHING I would be at an ice cream social.

What astounds me is that guys are the biggest offenders of this crime.  Why, I ask?!  Most of the time when males hang out they don't speak to each other so why all of a sudden do they have so much to gossip about when they're watching each other lift stuff?

The Know-Nothing-At-All
This is pretty much everyone at the gym but me.  But while I may hate everyone that doesn't mean I'll leave you in the dark.  Here are some things you shouldn't be doing when you're in a public gym:
  • Not disinfecting machines you use.  I don't know what kind of virus you're acting as a vehicle for but I know I don't want it or your leftover sweat residue in or around my body.
  • Wearing those stupid Fivefinger foot gloves.  You might as well go barefoot, I would hate you just as much.
  • Going at ludicrous speed on the elliptical.  When you're shaking the machine so much you're bumping into mine, maybe it's time to bump up the resistance, homegirl.
  • Acting like you're better than anyone.  You should not be worrying about anyone but you.  Really, you shouldn't even be looking at anyone else.  Lift your weights and flex your moobs and then leave satisfied with yourself.
  • Be naked.  Sports bras should be treated like regular wouldn't wear just your Bombshell to class, now would you?  And nobody appreciates being blinded by bluish-white Guy Thigh...put that away.
  • Socializing (see The Workout Buddies).  Be hardcore now, discuss the latest episode of Desperate Housewives later, over crumpets and bon-bons.
The Loud Guy
You know that noise Serena Williams makes every time she hits a tennis ball?  This guy has taken it upon himself to replicate it at the end of every leg press, presumably as his buddy cheers him on to do "one more" (because loud people are usually workout buddies, and both types of people are douches).  And let's not forget that everyone in the room wants to hear that melodious metal clang every time you slam weights back on the ground.

Now it may seem like the gym is a scary place full social wrongs and rights that harken back to a middle school cafeteria.  While in reality it's much worse than that, you shouldn't be intimidated.  After all, getting exercise and being annoying about it is better than getting no exercise.  Think about it: you're probably going to annoy me either way so you might as well get swoll in the process.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Tutorial Tuesday: Meeting Your Boyfriend's Family

The worst experiences in life are as follows:
  1. Giving birth.
  2. Passing a kidney stone.
  3. Meeting your boyfriend's family.
Although I've only experienced the third one firsthand, it's almost as nerve-wracking as what I imagine pushing a baby and/or stone out of your body to be like.  But as with anything, once you do it at least once it makes you an expert, which is why I'm here to quell your fears.

The first thing you need to do is try to get out of it.  I've been on both sides of this terror and let me tell you, it's very likely that the members of your boyfriend's family may never like you.  Everything you do will be scrutinized, picked apart, and judged as wrong the minute you leave the room.  Let me say it plain and clear: the odds are always against you, so put off The Meeting for as long as possible.  The longer you wait, the less time in your life you have to be ruthlessly hated.  

So it's been 10 years and you still haven't met them.  Congratulations for waiting this long, and prepare to meet your doom.  Consider this the most important job interview you'll ever have.

We all know first impressions are key, so it's very important to look your best.  Brush your hair, maybe even consider flossing.  Wear something conservative but flattering, something between what you might call club attire and a frock.

Not this.

But also not this.
Secondly, bring a gift.  Frankincense, myrrh, Yankee candles.  Whatever it is, it's crucial that his mom likes the scent or isn't allergic to imported Belgian truffles.  Do your research.

Thirdly, act perfectly.  This means not talking too much or too little, being funny yet formal, polite but not fake.  While you'll inevitably do something wrong, there are a few strategies that will help your case.  Get his dad on your side.  Dads are easy-going (until their daughters start dating and the shotgun comes out, but you need not worry about that).  Brothers?  Piece of cake, just talk about video games or sports.  Moms and sisters are the ones you need to watch out for.  

There's little to no difference between a bear mom and her cub and a human mom and her son.  Do not get in between them, don't touch him in front of her, and do not try to assert yourself as an important figure in his life.  She is the only woman in his life.  

Know your place, ho!
The same mentality goes for sisters.  To her, you're not pretty, you try too hard, and your clothes are skanky.  Only after you make years of effort to befriend her consisting of Panera lunches, shopping trips, and acknowledgement that only she will ever be the family's queen bee will she consider you worthy.  What can I say, bitches be crazy.

When asking my own mother advice about this very topic, she told me 3 key things.  "Remember to smile, don't look mad like you normally do.  And don't say anything controversial.  Just be your sweet self."  Okay, maybe she didn't call me sweet but whatever, she has a point.
  1. Be pleasant.  Make yourself fun to be around.  Laugh, compliment their house, ask to help with dinner.  Make an effort to get to know them.  You're not there to spend time with your boyfriend.  Your role is much like a dog's role in a dog show.  Pull out all your stops, impress them.  Tip: I've found feigning a southern accent makes you seem cuter.
  2. Don't say anything controversial.  Act intelligent and contribute to conversation but avoid topics like politics, religion, and pulp vs. pulp-free orange juice.  If they like the Patriots, you love the Patriots (read up on your stats beforehand).  Should they directly ask your preference about something potentially divisive, evade the question by saying something vague or asking them what they think first.
  3. Be yourself.  Cheesy but true.  Think about the most extreme scenario: you marry this kid and have to spend the rest of your life living in a tangled web of lies you wove the first time you met his family. 
Are you scared?  Well, you should be.  Just trying to prepare you.  And remember, he might still love you even if they don't.  Happy Toots-day!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Now Trending: #Comebacks

Fashion: a constant cultural shape-shifter that seeks to keep everyone looking fresh to death and will inevitably make us hate the pictures of ourselves from any decade that is not the current one.  Trends, like ocean tides and men, come and go...gradually and usually during the night.  Scrunchies, silly bandz, and snap bracelets were all once the objects of our utmost desires, only to be tossed into a brown paper bag where they eventually found themselves at the local Goodwill.

...Only I didn't throw them away.  You see, I'm a firm believer that everything comes back into style, so now, early into my second decade, I want to know when I can expect to see some of my favorite trends make a comeback.  For instance...

Bags That Were Popular in Middle School
Apparently every time my mom took me to Belk to buy a new dress that would fit my increasingly tall and awkwardly shaped frame I would also convince her to buy small handbags.  I had a lot of dates to the movies back then and needed something to carry all my middle school necessities like my banana cream pie Smackers, travel-sized Clearasil, and Delia's punch cards.  Now, I have an embarrassingly large collection of bags covered in sequins, cityscapes, and unnecessary zippers.  

Things You Wore in Elementary School That Hipsters Wear Now
Yeah, I see the occasional saddle shoe or plastic child's hair clip on campus but guess who's wearing it?  Some nasty, dirty hipster.  I don't appreciate when hipsters take these cherished trends and soil them in the name of irony.  Listen, if I'm going to wear stirrup leggings again it's not because everyone isn't doing it, it's because everyone is doing it and have finally come to their senses and realized that they are functional and comfortable and don't ride up to your knees.

Lisa Frank
Why yes, I do want a sticker of a puppy sitting in an ice cream sundae on my trapper-keeper.  Oh, a dolphin jumping over a moon?  Slap that on a backpack and I'll be looking fly.  What's that?  A lunchbox with a baby seal sliding along a rainbow?  Well, I won't be the one to pretend I'm not jealous or that I won't steal it from your cubby later.

Roll-on Body Glitter
I don't really think I need to elaborate here.

Wearing Your Sweatshirt Around Your Waist
Sometimes I get hot and don't want to carry my sweatshirt because my hands are full.  Purely for functionality, I wish it was okay to rock this once again and not be likened to a sweaty, pudgy, struggling 5th grader whose mom made her take too many layers on the field trip (not a personal experience).  Also, it kind of makes me feel like I'm wearing a cape.

Leg Warmers
They keep your legs warm.  If your neck was chilly you would put on a scarf, or if your ears were nippy you'd put on a hat.  Why should your legs be treated any differently?

T-shirts With Majestic Animals
Actually not sure if these were ever popular, but I liked horses a lot.  If there's ever a time and place where it's appropriate to don my glitter unicorn shirt let me's quite flattering.

Every trend has it's place in America's rich cultural history.  Where would we be if shoulder pads and feathered bangs had never been popular?  Developmentally, still in the '80s, and nobody wants that.  So let's take today to remember and revere our favorite trends for all they taught us, and hope they come back again someday so we can justify keeping jean jackets and toe socks sitting around in the attic for 20 years.  Or else hope that you have a '90s themed party coming up soon.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Tutorial Tuesday: How to Survive College Housing

There's few things I love more than Krispy Kremes but hearing about other people's roommate drama is definitely up there.  Her boy toy drinks your OJ?  She leaves her dirty socks in the bathroom?  He never chips in for beer?  If you don't have anything nice to say about your roommate, come sit next to me because I'm all ears and I'm a professional trash-talker.

Luckily, my roommate days are long gone.  Never again will some innocent person be subjected to sharing a 9'x14' room with me and my moody morning habits and I think we can all say a "hallelujiah" for that (except my future to be him right??).  But during my time as a girl, dorm resident, and citizen of a college apartment complex I've become kind of a Dr. Phil in roommate and neighbor issues.  Don't get me wrong, having roommates is so fun.  You have a live-in social life so you virtually never have to leave your house, you can make them pick out all your clothes, plus you can do fun things like wine nights and farmers market trips.  They may even be your future bridesmaids, but every time you have more than one girl there is bound to be drama.

Let's start with your crazy freshman roommate.  Maybe she's been hiding your coffee filters to make you late in the morning or "accidentally" leaving and locking the door while you shower, key-less and clothes-less.  The first thing you need to do is bitch about it to everyone but her.  If you're lucky you have a friend like me who will take your side no matter what ("What?  She emptied your trash can for you?  That must mean she's sexting your boyfriend behind your back...Slore.")  Then, once word finally gets back to her that you've been running your trap all over campus about how she farts in her sleep, you can have a Showdown.  The Showdown accomplishes nothing except you both get to scream at each other and then wait out the rest of the semester being fake-polite and passive-aggressive.  It's all part of the college experience.

Subtlety and willingness to share your nail polish are two ingredients of great roommates.

Then you have the noisy neighbors.  Staunch supporters of Messed Up Monday, Tequila Tuesday, Wasted Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday and weekends these party pups are apparently in school for reasons other than, oh, you know...GETTING A DEGREE.  Unfortunately for you, they live just above you on the other side of that 6 inch, uninsulated floor.  Fortunately for you, there are options.

  1. Get a BB gun.
  2. Get a louder sound system than them and become the louder neighbors.  First they'll be stunned, then it will escalate.
  3. Call the police.
  4. Start dating one of them and use your sex appeal to persuade them to keep it down.
Once, I lived in a house with 30 other people.  Besides it being the nastier than the inside of a porta-potty bowl, I learned a lot about sharing.  By that I mean I learned that when it comes to food no one shares.   Behind every seemingly honest person is a sneaky little thief who will take one Pop-Tart out of the package or eat the last 10 precious scoops of Nutella.  The only way to combat this is to eat nasty food.  Why do you think I drink soy milk?  It may taste like Vaseline and have a strange texture but at least I'm the only one suffering through it.  Sleep with one eye open and in front of the refrigerator.

I saw you looking at my Lucky Charms.

The only other pieces of advice I can give you are as follows:

  • If you are a female, invest in an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner, or else collect all the hair on your carpet by hand and make a wig.
  • If you are a male, make sure you are the alpha male in your household so you don't have to do all the cleaning (this is what I've observed, anyway).
  • If you are a human, get ear plugs.
And above all, don't start a shaving cream prank war with someone in your house, unless you like the way it feels all over your body as you sleep.

Seriously, not kidding about this one.