Friday, March 30, 2012

Annoying People Friday: Kids in the Dining Hall

One of the greatest mysteries in my life is why people go on dates out to eat.  Do you ever think about how nasty you look while you eat?  Don't, because you'll be eating in solitude for the rest of your life.  Seriously, why would anyone go on a first date to a nice Italian restaurant?  I can barely hold it together eating an Uncrustable, let alone a plate of spaghetti.

Now imagine your average college buffet-style dining hall.  If an image of an African Sahara watering hole around mating season popped into your head, you're pretty much on point.  But I guess it makes sense that if you put all-you-can-eat tots and sizzling burgers in the same vast room as about 400 hormonal college students, you get the worst display of human etiquette possible.

For example, people who start shoveling food in their mouths before they make it back to their seat.  Why are you in such a rush?  Hint: That's not what they mean by "Hunger Games."  This person is usually a dude wearing a baseball hat, gym shorts, and some nasty cut-up shirt that smells like yesterday's sweat.  I understand that you need post-workout sustenance, after all doing thousands upon thousands of bicep curls takes it out of you.  But while stuffing syrupy pancakes into your mouth as you walk is undoubtedly sticky and impressive, it makes you look like a caveman.  

Makes me do this.

Then you have the biddies practically licking the back of your neck in the salad line.  Sorry that I like to disperse my shredded carrots evenly but if you'd stop giving me atta-boy butt slaps with your plate maybe I'd be more inclined to move it along and less inclined to "accidentally" dump fat-free honey mustard on your pedicured toesies.  

And take the people who were sitting at your table before you.  Were they re-enacting the battle of Gettysburg with their food, or were they just eating glue and then smearing their hands all over the table?  When I was growing up, my mom told me we didn't have a kitchen fairy to clean up after my mess, but apparently not everyone learned that lesson.  Oh well, college is a glorious place where the girls are always pretty and kind souls clean up your mess when you missile-launch half-chewed biscuit out of your mouth in between your story about how drunk you were last night.

All I ask is that we take a moment to remember all those table manners our parents worked so hard instilling into us.  Think about that the next time you slam your fist down on a ketchup packet, or spend 2 minutes filling up a glass with every different kind of soda to make "Mystery Drank."

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Ways Not to Use Facebook

Facebook: the great connector, procrastinator, and creep mobile.  I can't lie and say I don't miss Myspace bulletins or redesigning my AIM buddy profile to LoOk LiKe ThIs.   Okay, I don't miss that but the point is I've been using the Book since 2006 and I've never looked back.  My brother told me not to get it because it was stupid, creepy, and a waste of it was immediately something I wanted (kind of like Furbies, but I never got one of those).  Anyway, invite me into your Google + Circle all you want but once you go Zuck you never back.

Babe alert.

HOWEVER.  There's always those people that have to ruin things for everyone.  Much like kids who threw up on the bus your 8th grade field trip to DC, these users -- or should i say mis-users -- fill the cyber world up with their trash and make me almost want to stop tracking down every girl my boyfriend has possibly talked to and seeing how hot they are.  (Almost.)

Firstly, Facebook is not a place to publicize your report card.  No one cares what your GPA is nor what grade you got in Hardest Class Ever 321.  You have 2 exams down, 41 to go?  Wow, your course load must blow mine out of the water.  If you're going to brag or complain about school, call your mom -- that's what she's for.

Secondly, don't use it to barrage all your friends with causes and news articles and TED Talks you think are worthwhile.  I think it's great that you care (seriously!) but just because you donate to the National Wolverine Protection Agency doesn't mean we should too, or that we want to read about it every other status update.  Also, just because you make a group about something doesn't mean it changes the world.  Let's not allow our generation to become one who solves the world's problems by making a Facebook event page about it.

Pregnant ladies are by far the worst offenders.  I don't know when it became okay to put pictures of your fetus as your prof pic but let me assure you it's weird.  Similarly, making your unborn child its own account is about 7 miles over the line.

We all know God is everywhere and you better believe he's on Facebook, just like your parents are.  Keep your profile clean.  I understand how tempting it is to put all your fun party pics up -- after all, drinking Natty makes you way cooler than the rest of us -- but use your common sense.  It's not Wasty-Facebook.

"It's a Dr. Pepper bong, Mom."

As you can see if you look over there to the right, I'm an avid tweeter (follow me bitchez!).  If I follow you, I'm probably also friends with you on FB, and I don't appreciate when you connect your tweets and your statuses.  The status and the tweet are both different and beautiful things.  Trying to make them the same is like when they made ketchup green, or put jelly in the same jar as peanut butter.  Don't make it something it's not, keep your hashtags where they belong.

Don't talk about how much you hate Facebook.  Don't complain every time there's a change.  It's overdone, and it's not like you have anything better to do...Bubble Shooter is only interesting for so long.  Facebook updates are infinite.  Everytime you hit refresh, someone from high school you'd almost forgotten about has probably just posted something entertaining that makes you feel better about yourself (e.g. "Just got off work" posted at 2:30 a.m. from 7-Eleven).

In a nutshell, the rules of Facebook are simple: only post funny stuff, and write on my wall a lot so I look popular.  Stalk on, you whippersnappers.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

No Ifs, Ands, or Ruts

There comes a time in every relationship when you become comfortable with someone.  The time frame is entirely dependent on the couple: it could be after 2 months, it could be after 2 years, you just don't know.  While it's nice being comfortable enough with someone where you can put your nasty feet all over them and call it "cuddling," it's easy to slip into a boring routine.  But the first step is admitting you have a problem, so how to tell if you're in a relationship rut?

Does this picture remind you of your boyfriend?  You're probably in a rut.

Look at your cell phone.  If all the outgoing calls are all to him with one here and there to your mom or your cat, then you might have a problem*.  It's also highly dependent on the context of your conversations.  If you call him 17 times after your class because your teacher's pants ripped, that's perfectly fine because it's a hilarious event.  If you call him 17 times after your class because you just got out of your class, that's perfectly psycho.
"I was just calling to say hi."
*If there's one to his mom, that doesn't fact it hurts your case.

What about your razor?  Has it moved in the past 2 weeks?  I'm all for not having to shave every day, but if your arm hair is braid-able...ding ding ding we have a winner.

It's common knowledge that if you make your boyfriend go buy you tampons then...

  1. he is whipped
  2. he should be ashamed and 
  3. you might be one of these.  
But if he knows what kind you like without having to ask, then he either runs Kotex® or runs that errand too often.  Take some Midol and go get them yourself.

The only time it's acceptable to be out to eat with someone and not talk is when you're really old and know each other so well you don't have to talk, or mute.  Other than those instances it's just weird.  If you two are on your weekly date night (well, if you even have a weekly date night) and you've run out of things to talk about and it's not awkward, then hell yes you're too comfortable with each other.  Relaying what you had for lunch that day is not interesting or a legitimate conversation topic.  Put some magic into it!  Carry a pack of Trivial Pursuit cards with you, or get some friends.  Similarly, if he knows all your secrets, that's not cute.  I'm not above advocating developing a secret life or alter-ego* to create some distance.

*I've actually found alter-egos are good ways to deal with a lot of life's curve balls, like creepy guys hitting on you, or boredom.

Just to reiterate, I am certainly in favor of stable and healthy relationships.  I merely think that life is too short to have a boring one, and if he's asking you what kind of shampoo you normally buy him and you haven't had a wedding anniversary then maybe it's time to spice thangs up.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Sunny With a Chance of Hormones

This week's high pressure system has ushered in escalating temperatures and wonderful, wonderful sunshine. Yet again, I get to wear dresses and not-sunscreen, people watch discreetly through my sunglasses, and skip class because everyone knows "it's nice outside" is a perfect excuse to do so.  (The only bad part about the warm weather is I don't get to use suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder as an excuse for being a bitch.)

Interestingly, spring fever is actually a semi-real thing.  Like anything (global warming, puberty) spring fever happens because of hormone shifts, specifically an increase in the mood-boosting neurotransmitter serotonin.  Also, according to the LA Times, some anthropologists think better moods have to do with coming out of a period of winter hibernation into a spring season of heavy hunting and gathering, left over from when humans were bears.  Or something.  The bottom line is that people do it more, start exercising, and want to clean.

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about real things like science.  Instead, I'd like to discuss how this manifests itself on college campuses, spreading across student populaces faster than the syph.

First, the campus is transformed.  There's no sand or water, but bathing suits become acceptable outfits and girls hit the quad with towels, iPods, and water bottles filled with Burnetts and Gatorade mix, just like a real beach.  They check the app on their phone that tells them the UV index and god forbid it's above a 7, you better clear out because they'll trample you for a spot where they can "lay out."  It's kind of like Spring Breezy never ended.

Below, I've outlined several factors that correlate with the rising temperatures.

This last part is the most immediately noticeable change.  You know that part in Bambi when spring arrives and all the animals go ape-shit?  It's basically like that, with fewer clothes.

Common apparel choices you might notice in the coming weeks include bros wearing Rainbows (Rainbros), girls wearing maxi-dresses who shouldn't be wearing maxi-dresses, and my personal favorite: janties (jean panties).

While playing strip changing-season might be fun, be wary of spring fever's side effects.  Hormones will rage and people will fall in love (read: fall in bed...with each other).  Suddenly, boys with puppies will appear on campus, oddly without shirts.

Don't know where he's been hiding that little guy all winter...
I'm not complaining.  What I am complaining about is gaggles of girls that have decided it's necessary for all of them to go to the gym at the same time.  Here's a chart I made after months of gathering data on peak exercise times:

[RANT ALERT] Also, sometimes as the weather improves weirdos think it's okay to not wear shoes on campus.  But let me be glaringly clear when I say THERE IS NEVER A TIME WHEN THAT'S OKAY.  I don't care if it's TOM'S A Day Without Shoes or if you're just a hippie, put your freaking shoes back on.  It's rude and nasty to the people with whom you have class, who are probably all hoping you step on a rusty nail and get tetanus.  I digress.

Eventually, finals will be around the corner and all this madness will settle down.  Until then, be prepared to see lots of dartiers (day partiers), sunburns, and cornhole sets.

Yay spring!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Secret Life of Biddies

Biddies lead hectic lives.  Between my jam-packed schedule of forcing my friends to eat frozen yogurt with me and sucking up to professors during their office hours, I barely have time to tweet any more.  But I recognize how important it is for us gurlz to have daily down time. 

While the public life of girls is pretty predictable (complaining, lunch dates, looking at her phone), their private lives are an unknown land full of mystery, much like the deep ocean or the crack between my bed and the wall.

So what do girls do when they're bored and alone?  Well since you asked, I'll tell you.

Facebook Stalk
This is single-handedly the way girls spend the majority of their private time.  If the CIA really wanted to find the cream of the spy crop, they would interview recent female graduates with smart phones, average GPAs, and at least 2 hours spent on Facebook a day.  Girls these days can do background checks more thorough than any government agency, without even knowing your name.  And be warned because she can figure out every girl a guy has hooked up with since 6th grade.  It's not creepy, it's networking.

Catch Up On Their Shows
Unfortunately sometimes biddies can't get out of commitments in the evening time block, like group meetings in the library or sorority chapters, and this causes them to miss the latest Teen Mom.  Fortunately, they have the password to their parents' Netflix and a Hulu account, so they never have to go a week without catching up on Glee or Grey's.  After all, wouldn't you want to know if she said yes to the dress?*

*Epiti-biddies will usually make their boyfriend "snuggle" with them as they watch their shows, and they'll probably tweet about it.

Pick Their Split Ends
While this is typically an activity most practiced when girls are bored in lecture or stuck in traffic, it is certainly not limited.  You can do this anytime, anywhere, but especially when you're alone with no one to talk at. 

Disgusting side note: I found out this habit is part of a skin-picking obsession called dermatillomania (the repeated urge to pick at one's skin, also known as neurotic excoriation, pathologic skin picking, and compulsive skin picking) and if you want to vomit you can read this help forum

Look at Themselves in the Mirror
Looking perfect doesn't come without hours spent staring at yourself and judging your every flaw. Every eyebrow hair is plucked, every clogged pore is immediately combated, and every cuticle is wiped clean of excess nail polish.  If you don't look pretty you look shitty.  They also plan out all their outfits for the week and try each of them on.  Sometimes, I just put on my old prom dresses and sit around...looking at my split ends.  It makes me feel like a princess; I recommend it.

Sometimes done simultaneously as Looking in the Mirror, girls just need to cry it out.  They usually cry about how their boyfriend didn't comment on her new jeggings or that her roommate didn't say hi.  These tearful rampages are not rational, but they are necessary to maintain at least a little emotional stability in public.  (For rules on when is appropriate to cry, read my post about it...oh and have I mentioned if you click my ads I get money?...Just saying).

So there you have it.  Behind every calm and collected young woman is a hysterically crying stalker who finds solace in her unhealthy hair and the never-ending search to find out who the real Gossip Girl is.*

*In case you were wondering, it's me.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Annoying People Friday: Girlfriends

Think back to your first love, ladies.  It probably began with an intricately folded note and holding each other's sweaty hands in the locker hallway on the way to language arts class.  Things were happy and simple: you didn't hang out after school and sometimes he would call you on your home phone.  SO WHEN DID YOU GET SO CRAZY?

Is it a rule that once you've entered into a relationship you gradually go bat-shit insane?  Sure, at first girls try to hide their jealous tendencies because after all, you can only start looking through your boyfriend's texts after you've been dating for three months.  Before that you would just look psycho, right? (Cue insane giggles.)

But it's not too long until you too acquire the if-he-doesn't-text-back-in-the-next-5-minutes-I'm-going-over-there mentality.  Yet while all girlfriends are psycho, they're not all the same type of psycho...

The Girlfriend That Blames Other Girls
Listen, I understand that your little pet can do no wrong, but since when did it only take ONE to tango?  When this girl's boyfriend flirts with other girls (read: when this girl thinks her boyfriend is flirting with other girls because he accidentally looked away from her face for a second), she gets mad AT THE OTHER GIRLS, who were probably just standing there texting or being rational, minding their own biznatch.  How does THAT make any sense?  The highest degree of this type of crazy is usually seen when she catches her boyfriend actually cheating and slashes The Other Woman's tires, then crawls back into bed with Doucher Numero Uno like he had been forced against his will to cheat on her.

The Girlfriend That Uses Her Boyfriend as Life Support 
You know what they say, the couple that stays together hates each other.  This girl isn't satisfied with dinner dates, movie nights, or constant physical contact.  A normal day would go something like this: wake up together, go to class together, eat lunch together, do homework together, go to the gym together (seriously??  You like him seeing you sweaty?), go to the library together, and so on and so forth.  Crazy, rinse, repeat.  Minimum requirement of two meals together per day, and he comes along to all your Girls Nights because you can't stand to be apart.  It's just love, okay?

The Girlfriend Who Plays Games
Boyfriends of the world need to beware.  Everything this girl does is actually a test in disguise to see how much you love her.  While yes, the fight she picked last night was probably something she was legitimately mad about, it doubled as a challenge to see how far you will chase her (hint: always chase her).  Watch out for traps in the following forms:

  • If she says "Jennifer Aniston is really hot," you say "Who?"
  • If she asks "What did you do this afternoon?" don't lie.  You weren't at your house and she knows it, because she drove by and checked.
  • Questions about cat/dog preferences, where you see yourself in 5 years, and number of kids you want are signals that she is analyzing your compatibility for your future marriage.  Answer accordingly.
  • If you ask why she's upset and she says she's fine, that means you're obligated to spend the next 3 hours probing her brain to see where you went wrong.
I'm just saying, if she suggests you hang out with your friends instead of her and you do, prepare to be kicked in the balls, literally and figuratively.

So there you have it.  Every guy wearing a paisley button-down, every couple sitting on the same side of the booth, and all those wedding blogs can be explained by 3 simple words:

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

What Happens When Girls Go to College: An Abridged Timeline

Young adulthood is typically a time to "find yourself."  "Finding yourself" is a white-people term for trying on a bunch of different personalities until you either a) find one that you can tolerate assuming for the rest of your life or b) forget about trying to appear a certain way to people and find friends who are okay with it when you start acting like a puppy around them (not that I do that...).  In high school, I went through a lot of phases, including - but not limited to - a punk-rocker, a hippie, a hipster, a lax chick, a horse-girl, and an art freak.

Going HAM?

Enter college, when I became a biddie.  College is a time when girls leave stereotypes behind and begin developing into the successful individuals they'll someday pretend to be.

First, they lose the ability to dress themselves.  Moving into a dorm has only 2 advantages: vending machines in the same building where you sleep and increasing your wardrobe by about 30 new closets.  The problem is that girls think other girls care what they wear.  NEWS FLASH, when you ask me "how does this look?" I have no idea if you're referring to your lipstick or which boot you should wear but I will say "that's cute!" just to be safe.  Maybe your mom picked out your outfits in high school, but get a grip because I can guarantee no one cares what you wear as much as you do.  You look the same no matter what.

Then, they gain the freshman fifteen.  These days this term does not necessarily connote the  trademark weight gain caused by too much unlimited frozen custard at the dining hall or pre-paid-by-Daddy Starbucks at the library.  In fact, many naive freshman will claim they lose weight at college from all that "walking to class" (read: "being too poor and lazy to buy food), but soon enough they'll start drinking beer and on goes the gut.  Anyway, the freshman fifteen could be anything from fifteen sexual partners to fifteen hundred dollars of credit card debt.

Following that, they gradually lose their moral compass for awhile (see the verbal irony there?).  I can't stress how important it is to go through a time in your life when you make a whole bunch of mistakes (both harmless and harmful, but that's the fun...skip class and road-trip to Canada now, worry about consequences later!).  When you have kids you get to tell them fun, filtered stories about how you regret doing Blahddy-Blah with Blah-Blu-Blah or Blahdy-Blahing after going Blah with Blah, all the while painfully pining for your glory days when your life didn't consist of tracking how much it costs to fill up a mini-van and trolling  YIKES.

After that happens, girls are usually juniors or seniors which means the raw reality of nine-to-five is descending like a cold, heavy, deceivingly-slow glacier.  They have to start pretending like they're graduating tomorrow and talk incessantly about how much they hate it (full tutorial on that is coming soon, because I'm quickly becoming an expert).  This is when they probably start to get internships and jobs and the next thing you know all their friends are getting engaged so about this time they'll enter into a serious relationship (you know what they say: "ring before spring," "get hitched before you get ditched," "if by May you don't find a date, your future you will hate").  They might actually like this kid or it could just be that he's an accounting major and has the potential to earn a fat stack.  Either way, this is the stage during which they determine the rest of their lives.

Lastly, they become alumnae, proudly clutching a wine coolers in one hand and their degrees in communications or hospitality and tourism management in the other.  Stay tuned for an upcoming post about post-grad biddies!

Like faxes and stuff!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Spring Make it or Break It

Florida here we come!!!!!!
I know all the biddies are amped for spring break, because the only bathing suits left in Target are XXL bikinis and maternity tankinis.  But remember, while SB2K12 is all fun and games, there are a few things to keep in mind...
  1. Whatever happens in Cancun is probably going to end up on the internet.
  2. Travel in packs (but I know biddies don't have any problems with this).
  3. Hydrate or die.
  4. Avoid actually swimming in the ocean because it is basically a giant swimming pool of death. You will get caught in a riptide or worse, get stung by a jelly fish, and we all know that leads to urine on your body.
  5. Wear sunscreen, or don't so I can laugh at you later.
  6. If you went out of the country, keep that to yourself.  Nobody wants to hear about it, ya rich bitch.
  7. If you're on a cruise, then there's really no salvaging that spring break trip.  Seriously, you're in a confined location with about a thousand people, some of who are sick, and probably the only entertainment is a fire-juggler and some elderly drunk people.  Then, you're allowed off the boat for an allotted amount of time but you have to be back by curfew like you're on a middle school field trip.  No thanks.  (Note: I've never been on a cruise.)
  8. Don't "mingle" with the locals (by "mingle" I mean "flirt with").  It's creepy.
  9. Trash talk everyone you meet from other colleges.
  10. But the biggest thing to remember is to have fun in the sun and spend all your parents' money, because soon you're going to graduate and you'll never have a spring break again.  Bleak, right?

Go biddie or go home!