Sunday, February 19, 2012

Tear Talk: Biddies Don't Cry

I've never really been a crier, and this is mostly because I have no soul.  Some girls will cry over spilled wine, but I just don't really think it's worth it to mess up your mascara.  Really the only times I cry are when I watch "My Dog Skip" or when I have too much of an adrenaline rush while jumping on trampolines.

I started crying looking at this just now.
But I wasn't always the strong emotional rock I am today.  Years of experience as an adolescent have taught me a few valuable lessons about crying. 

First of all -- and this may seem obvious -- always avoid crying in public.  This is slightly for preservation of your own ego but mostly for the comfort of the people around you who invariably have no idea how to act.  If you absolutely cannot push your tears back into their ducts there are 2 strategies you can employ.  First, you can find your nearest friend (or someone who looks like they would go along with being your friend) because the only thing worse than seeing a girl crying is seeing her cry alone.  Just last week a girl walked past me on the sidewalk just flat out crying.  Not on the phone, not pretending to be on the phone, just bawling, by herself.  Snot and everything.  Second, you can pretend to be engrossed in your book, or your iPod, or your hand.  This method only works when sitting, with best results if you have long hair you can push in front of your face, creating a type of force-field.  (This is the same strategy I use for sleeping in class.)

There are a few things you should NEVER do when crying.  If I'm crying, I want to get it out of my system; it's raw and unattractive and kind of horrifying.  There is probably more snot leaving my body than actual tears, and I am loud -- none of that dainty sniffling-into-embroidered-handkerchief crap.  That being said, I want to wallow.  This is why you should never cry in the shower.  Because your whole face is wet, it doesn't allow you to tell how much you are actually crying (and proportionally how pathetic and deserving of pity you are).  Crying in the shower is just not satisfying.  However, crying in the mirror is the opposite, because you can see exactly how painful your life is and ultimately feel worse but then infinitely better.

I also really enjoy crying in the car, because it clouds my vision and makes me feel like I'm living dangerously.  Just kidding.  In any case, just as with singing in the car, you need to lock it up when you are paused at a stop light.  One of the worst experiences of my life was looking over and seeing a girl weeping at the wheel with no way to comfort her (not that I would have comforted her under any other circumstances).  

Lastly ladies, don't spend your money on any makeup that advertises being able to magically de-puff your eyes.  Once you cry you might as well just call it a day because there's no covering that up.  It's just like when you only pretended to kiss Brian during Seven Minutes of Heaven in 8th grade...everyone knows the truth and they'll make fun of you behind your back later, so just accept that you're a pussy and move on.

Remember, bottling up your emotions is the best way to deal with them.  Have a tear-free week!