Saturday, January 26, 2013

You Know You're a Douche When...

It used to be that you could spot a douche by his popped collar.  These days, they've morphed into something much worse and much harder to spot.  However, there are a few dead giveaways, such as...

If you walk around playing music aloud instead of listening to headphones, you're a douchebag.

If you wear tanktops and ride a longboard, you're a douchebag.

If your motorcycle takes up a full spot in a crowded parking lot, you're a douchebag.

If you don't use turn signals, you're a douchebag.

If you still say YOLO, you're a douche.

If you don't clean up your dog's poop, you're definitely a doucher.

If you've ever posted Lil Wayne lyrics to Twitter or Facebook, you're a douche.

If you still talk about how good you were at sports in high school, you're a douchebag.

If you take pictures with your iPad, it's questionable and you might be a douche.

If you talk about how much better Bing is than Google, you're not only a douche but also fooling yourself.

If you're a vegetarian that has ever tried to convert someone else to vegetarianism, you're a douche, and call me ignorant but I don't really care if you're more sustainable than I am.

If you wear sunglasses inside, you're a douche.

If you believe you're part of a downtown counter-culture, you're a douche.  Also, no one cares about local bands because they all suck.  There's a reason they're called things like "The Dirty Spaghetti Noodles."

If you incorporate words like "Bauhaus" and "ganache" into everyday conversation, you're a douche.

If your answer to the question "What's your favorite type of music?" includes the word "electronic," you're a douche.

If you talk about how much weight you can lift at the gym, you're a douche.  Actually, if you're talking about anything at the gym, you're probably a douche.  Silence, please.  I'm not here to hear about your diet, I'm here to judge the faces you make as you quarter squat 135 pounds.  Hop to.

If you post pictures of your car online, you're a douche.

Scum on, scumbagz.