Friday, March 16, 2012

Annoying People Friday: Girlfriends

Think back to your first love, ladies.  It probably began with an intricately folded note and holding each other's sweaty hands in the locker hallway on the way to language arts class.  Things were happy and simple: you didn't hang out after school and sometimes he would call you on your home phone.  SO WHEN DID YOU GET SO CRAZY?

Is it a rule that once you've entered into a relationship you gradually go bat-shit insane?  Sure, at first girls try to hide their jealous tendencies because after all, you can only start looking through your boyfriend's texts after you've been dating for three months.  Before that you would just look psycho, right? (Cue insane giggles.)

But it's not too long until you too acquire the if-he-doesn't-text-back-in-the-next-5-minutes-I'm-going-over-there mentality.  Yet while all girlfriends are psycho, they're not all the same type of psycho...

The Girlfriend That Blames Other Girls
Listen, I understand that your little pet can do no wrong, but since when did it only take ONE to tango?  When this girl's boyfriend flirts with other girls (read: when this girl thinks her boyfriend is flirting with other girls because he accidentally looked away from her face for a second), she gets mad AT THE OTHER GIRLS, who were probably just standing there texting or being rational, minding their own biznatch.  How does THAT make any sense?  The highest degree of this type of crazy is usually seen when she catches her boyfriend actually cheating and slashes The Other Woman's tires, then crawls back into bed with Doucher Numero Uno like he had been forced against his will to cheat on her.

The Girlfriend That Uses Her Boyfriend as Life Support 
You know what they say, the couple that stays together hates each other.  This girl isn't satisfied with dinner dates, movie nights, or constant physical contact.  A normal day would go something like this: wake up together, go to class together, eat lunch together, do homework together, go to the gym together (seriously??  You like him seeing you sweaty?), go to the library together, and so on and so forth.  Crazy, rinse, repeat.  Minimum requirement of two meals together per day, and he comes along to all your Girls Nights because you can't stand to be apart.  It's just love, okay?

The Girlfriend Who Plays Games
Boyfriends of the world need to beware.  Everything this girl does is actually a test in disguise to see how much you love her.  While yes, the fight she picked last night was probably something she was legitimately mad about, it doubled as a challenge to see how far you will chase her (hint: always chase her).  Watch out for traps in the following forms:

  • If she says "Jennifer Aniston is really hot," you say "Who?"
  • If she asks "What did you do this afternoon?" don't lie.  You weren't at your house and she knows it, because she drove by and checked.
  • Questions about cat/dog preferences, where you see yourself in 5 years, and number of kids you want are signals that she is analyzing your compatibility for your future marriage.  Answer accordingly.
  • If you ask why she's upset and she says she's fine, that means you're obligated to spend the next 3 hours probing her brain to see where you went wrong.
I'm just saying, if she suggests you hang out with your friends instead of her and you do, prepare to be kicked in the balls, literally and figuratively.

So there you have it.  Every guy wearing a paisley button-down, every couple sitting on the same side of the booth, and all those wedding blogs can be explained by 3 simple words:

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