Saturday, July 6, 2013

What Your American Girl Doll Says About You

Looking back on the days of our innocent youth, I'm sure we all have fond memories of childhood best friends.  Maybe you spent hours swimming in between each other's legs at the pool, which is weird.  Maybe you two built forts in the backyard and perfected your explosion noises as you guided model planes through the air, which means you were a boy.

But whoever your best friend was, mine was better.  She always listened, never bogged me down with her own trivial, less important problems, and let me pick out all her clothes.  She was my American Girl doll, and we did everything together.  Our friendship was a special one.  I always let her win the staring contests, she always let me win the laughing contests.  I played with her until age 12.  It's whatever.

Now, let's not pretend we all haven't been consumerist assholes since age 4.  Which American Girl doll you had told more about you and your values than probably even what Spice Girl or Disney Princess you were.  No you can't play with me at recess, because you have Kit. 

Anyway, let's begin.

Felicity was the OG of American Girl dolls.  Today, they don't even sell her which is just a backstabbing move.  She gave them everything, and now they just hand it to all these stupid little Girls of Year to shit all over the brand that means so much to us: the 90s girls.  Out with the old, in with the new, they said!  Let's name the new dolls stupid things like Saige and McKenna, they said!  I digress...


Felicity was a 17th century lass who played games that were named after whatever object was involved: hoop and stick, ball and cup, keg and stand.  It was a simpler time.  Her clothes were gorgeous, she had a horse, and she was probably a little pretentious because she was relatively rich.  If you had Felicity, you were either a fiery red head, your lived in Williamsburg, or you were a horse girl.  

Here's the run-down on Josefina.  She lives in New Mexico, her mom died and her dad has to take care of her and her crap ton of siblings, she's scared of anything and is mostly boring.  From what I recall she is not very popular and her clothes suck.  I don't know who had her except for Hispanic girls.  Sorry if this is offensive.

Like Felicity, Kirsten was one of the first American Girls.  Like Josefina, she lives in a foreign land.  Her and her Swedish family are roughing it on the Minnesota frontier and she has to do a lot of stupid things like quilting and milking animals.  She wears her hair like Princess Lea and accessories were like a spoon and a handkerchief.  Cool Kirsten.  For some reason she gave me the heebie-jeebies, but you probably had her if you were blonde and blue-eyed.

She grew up as a slave and is pissed off about it, obviously.  Hands down, Addy was the most badass.  She's always talking about how unfair slavery is and questioning society, so needless to say she was smarter than probably half of America then, and probably half of America now.  I knew a few random white girls who had Addy, but it was kind of like "bitch, please."

Samantha was a rich bitch.  She had bangs and voluminous brown hair, was an orphan, and wore WAY too much plaid for one little girl.  She had bows for every outfit and pearls.  WHAT EIGHT-YEAR OLD WEARS PEARLS??  If you had Samantha you were probably pretty, snobby, and now you shop at places like Banana Republic and Colors of Benetton.  

Molly grew up smack-dab in the middle of World War II.  She had glasses, and like Samantha had brown hair and bangs, but in every way Samantha was pretty, she was the opposite: nerdy, awkward, and strapped for cash.  I don't actually know about the last part but let's just say she didn't come with a velvet purse like Samantha did.  If you had Molly you were the "funny girl," a little bit quirky, and your name was probably Molly.  

I hesitate to even include Kit, because she showed up when everything started going south (I was getting to the age where it's not okay to wear a matching outfit with your doll in public).  Her last name is Kittredge, which would make her name Kit Kittredge, which is not a name.  She grew up in the Great Depression and reallllly broke the mold because she had short hair and clothes that didn't cover up from head to toe, like all the other dolls.  If you had Kit, you were in the grade below me, and you're probably now a slut.  Just saying.  


Twin Dolls
Although twin dolls don't have their own books, accessories, and weirdly in-depth story lines, I have to give them a shout out because that's what I had.  No, Emily didn't have her own book but you better believe I wrote one about her.  She looked JUST like me: dirty dishwater blonde hair, poop brown eyes, and as my mom puts it, "skin the color of honey."  I was obsessed with Felicity so I dressed her colonial style clothing that my mom bought at JoAnn Fabrics.  I never understood why I had to have the off-brand clothes, until I recently went into an American Girl store and discovered that the dresses are $40.  I wouldn't buy a dress for MYSELF for that much.

Whatever American Girl doll you had, I am certain she was dear to you.  Mine still sits out in display in my room, because I just didn't have the heart to let her sit in the attic with the less awesome toys and the mouse community that has taken up residence.  While I'm waiting for the day Beanie Babies finally reach the value I was told they would so I can sell them for a small fortune, there is no way I would EVER sell Emily.  Bad bitches for life.

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