Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Office Lifestyle

Your own computer.  Your own phone extension.  And three beige, fabriced walls to call your own.  Some would say working in a cubicle is the American dream.  I mean seriously, who wants a job with "flexible hours," where they're not "tied to a desk all day," "hunched over a computer screen"?  NOT ME.  I'll sit on my ass all day and quickly minimize Facebook every time I hear someone coming around my cubicle wall, thank you very much.

Well, I've only had my own cubicle for a few short days at this point, but it's taught me a few things.  It's pretty similar to college in that you privately judge and hate everyone around you, only this time you're not in a classroom and you're stuck with them from 9-5, not 50 minutes.

It may sound like I hate my new job, but I actually really like it!  It's kind of a cross between the fun antics and dynamics of the casts of The Office and Workaholics.  It's a less glamorous version of Mad Men (but just the parts they don't actually show....yeah...).  So, combined with my real-world experiences and observations from TV and grown-up friends, let me tell you about a few staple personalities of office life.

The Jokester
For me, his name is Steve.  Incidentally, he is my only friend so far.  The jokester, by real-world standards, is not even slightly funny, but under the glare of 30 flourescent lights he's a lolocaust, probably with a bald head but mysteriously existent ponytail.  I don't know about other offices but I'm pretty sure Steve doesn't have a desk because he seems to spend all day wandering around and making jokes as he passes by your cubicle.

The Loudmouth
Much like a nine-hour trans-Atlanic flight, in an office there is no privacy.  And The Loudmouth DOES. NOT. CARE!!!  For me, her name is Lois.  Actually it is Janet but seeing as I hear more of her than I see, I think she sounds like a Lois so that is what I'm calling her.  Also like Steve, she doesn't seem to work but instead spends all day on the phone with her friends and family.  I am particularly excited for her daughter's recovery from her wisdom teeth removal, because I'm interested to see what topic Lois/Teresa will talk about for 8 hours straight next.  (Note: she is my second favorite because she yells at people when they misuse the printer and also says "damn" and "shit" sometimes.  She doubles as the office badass.)

The Crazy One
Let's just say I know who is most likely to snap.  Paul.  It's Paul.  He is definitely crazy, depressed, creepy, and mutters to himself.  Unfortunately/fortunately, the padding on my cubicle wall is just thick enough so that I can't make out what he is saying.  He's probably harmless, but I'm going to offer him half of my Twix just in case.

The Gossip Queen
She is in everybody's business all the time, and you bet your new box of ballpoints she is judg-ing-you.  No office romance is safe.  Be careful what you talk about by the printer because her desk is located right next to it and she knows all about your softball team drama and the Mexican dinner your boyfriend took you out to last night.

The One Who Brings Spaghettios For Lunch

You know, Nina of "Nina speaking, JUST a moment!"  She's the "nice girl" of the office and you just freaking HAAAATE HER.  She says things like "Happy Monday," "Workin' hard or hardly workin'??!" and "Tag, you're it!" when leaving a voicemail for someone she's been playing phone tag with.  Also, I'm pretty sure the nice thing is a facade because there is just no way someone who talks in that high-pitched of a voice isn't clinically insane.

The Intern
You know, the young, hot one that wears pants that are probably a liiiiittle too tight to be considered professional. 

The office, in a nutshell, is its own fantastic microculture.  It's a magical place where people put up reminders in Comic Sans to FLUSH THE TOILET!!!!!, where binder clips never run out, where Internet Explorer is the default browser, and where I get 30 emails a day to an account I NEVER EVEN CREATED. 

Yes...I think I'll like it here.

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