Tuesday, September 25, 2012

There's a Good Chance I Hate You

I'm not here to talk about what chicken casserole recipes are the best, or funny stories about my pets, or any other things successful bloggers discuss.  I don't pretend to like everyone and I certainly don't claim to be a patient person in the least.  All that said (yet again), here are a few things that increase the likelihood that I hate you.

There's a good chance I hate you if you only wear a sports bra to the gym.  Since when has this been acceptable?  This isn't Olympics beach volleyball or Friday night at JMU so I don't know why you think you have the right to prance around a public place half naked.  Put ya damn shirt on and work out like you mean it, or else go to the pool.

She's probably not wearing shoes either.

There's a good chance I hate you if you like Taylor Swift.  T-Swift is the same nickname my high school's varsity quarterback had back in 2009, and it was cooler on him.  Was she the star of a Disney Channel show?  No she was not, so she needs quit all this nonsense about how innocent she is.  She dated John Mayer and he is a freak-a-leak (I read it in Cosmo).  Oh, she writes her own songs?  I don't care, they suck. She look like a hedgehog, and her award acceptance speeches are dumb.

The best moment of all tiiiiime.
And this.  This is just a pure outrage.  I won't allow the disgrace of Joni Mitchell.

There's a good chance I hate you if you strike up a conversation with me in the grocery store, and we don't know each other.  I don't go to Kroger to make friends (in much the same way that I don't fly on airplanes or hike the Appalachian Trail to make friends).  I'm there to buy four different kinds of cheese and a case of Natural√© Light, and if I'm not mistaken I didn't ask you about your motorcycle or favorite time of year.  I don't know what part of my bitch face gives off an "inviting a conversation" vibe, but I work hard to look pissed off all the time, and it's mostly to avoid people like this, so I don't appreciate being undermined.

There's a good chance I hate you if you named your kid something like Blyss or Kyler.  Those aren't real names, in any language.  I'm all for originality, but think about your kid going into a future job interview with a name like Honeydew.  Let's not.  Here are some more outrageous names.

There's a good chance I hate you if you're the car alarm that goes off outside my window every week.  It's midnight, and I have at least two more hours of farting around on Twitter that you're interrupting.

So, there's a good chance that if you don't do any of the above, plus several hundred other things I didn't name, that we'll be the best of friends.  XOXO.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Said No One Ever

"BiddieLifestyle is so funny, Sallie's probably going to get famous off it," said no one ever.  JOKES, you've all said that.  Now read my edition of "Said No One Ever," inspired by the internet.

"I'm so glad Thanksgiving is only once a year," said no one ever.

"The Aeropostale monkeys are going to come back in style," said no one ever

"I look really good in that picture, we don't need another one," said no one ever.

"SO excited for Salad Creations," said no one ever.

"Really?  Mexican food doesn't make me gassy," said no one ever.

"Sure, I'd love to run a 10K with you," said no one ever.

"Yesss, I'm due for my tetanus shot!" said no one ever.

"Ferrets are adorable and smell like clean laundry," said no one ever.

"Chopsticks are easy and more efficient than forks," said no one ever.

"I didn't buy any Girl Scout cookies this year because they're not that great," said no one ever.

"Plain Cheerios are so much better than Honey Nut," said no one ever.

"I'm still friends with my ex," said no one ever.

"I love my cubicle," said no one ever.

"I definitely prefer pooping after I shower," said no one ever.

"No, seriously, my 6th grade yearbook picture is really good," said no one ever.

"I am not excited for Anchorman 2," said no one ever.

"Bowling alleys aren't sketchy," said no one ever.

"Grad school is way more fun than undergrad," said no one ever.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

5 Ways I Know Summer is Over

Summer is drawing bleakly to a close, and soon daylight saving time will rear it's ugly head and make me feel like I have 5 minutes to do my homework before bedtime, instead of 6 hours. (Seriously, what is even the point of that? I heard Arizona doesn't even do daylight saving time anymore.) Anyway, I hope all the biddies did something memorable during summer '12, because here are a few signs it's sadly over.

1. Less skin, less tan.  The colder weather means the phasing out of open-back, see-through, and crop tops (let's have a moment of silence please).  I suppose it's just as well though, because the month of September means one thing: tans are fading fast away and no one wants to see your pasty-white back.  If you're tan right now, it's either fake or you're ethnic.  But whichever it is, work it girlfriend.

2. "How to Get a Beach-Worthy Body" is being replaced by "Cute DIY Halloween Wreath" on Pinterest.  The girl standing in the middle of a field backlit by afternoon sunlight isn't wearing high-waisted cut-offs but now a cable-knit dress.  Desserts are now topped with ghosts and ghouls, and shame on you if you haven't put away your watermelon-printed napkins.  It's past Labor Day!

3.  The return of pumpkin spice.  I don't know what it is, but bitches LOVE this stuff.  They want everything to be pumpkin spiced.  Lattes, bagels, candles, their dog's shampoo.  The campus Starbucks ran out of Pumpkin Spice Crack the other day and I didn't even go to class because I thought there would be riots.  I had a test and everything, but it's not worth it.  (Clearly, my feelings about pumpkin are similar to those about eggnog.)

"Pumpkin Spice Fritters."

4. Girls are pretending to like the NFL again. Yeah, it's that glorious time of year when every biddie's status on Sunday is about some team she can't even name three players on, but you better believe she'll wear the jersey tomorrow, win or lose, and trash talk boys that don't like her team because she thinks it's cute. It ain't cute.

And no, girls DON'T look cute in jerseys.

5. Be on the look-out for boots. Every other girl will soon be wearing boots, whether they be ankle-, knee- or calf-high. I like to play a little game called "See How Many Girls are Wearing the Same Pair of Boots." Basically, you get a point every time you see the same pair of boots. Extra points if the pairs of boots are walking together, extra-extra points if you too are wearing the boots, and triple word score if the boots are paired with leggings.  Oh, boots.

Boots on boots on boots.

But as the leaves change and the temperature ranges from 20 degrees in the morning to 70 degrees by noon, at least one thing remains from summer: "Call Me Maybe" will somehow still be popular, despite any rationale.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Biddies: I Heard Dat

People say dumb stuff.  I know this because there's never a time when I'm not eavesdropping on someone's conversation (it's not being nosy, it's what they teach you in journalism skool).  Anyway, here's a list of things that people, mostly biddies, say that aren't that intelligent.

"I'm just saying" or "No offense."
These are phrases usually used to alleviate something rude that was just said.  For example, saying that your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend looks like she made out with a meat grinder and following it up by "I'm just saying" does NOT make whatever you just said okay, and when you say "no offense," your statement is still offensive.

"Sorry I'm not sorry."
This is stupid.  Just say you're not sorry, or do what I do and say rude things with no acknowledgment that they're rude.  It's the same lesson we all learned in church choir when we were kids: if you make it obvious you messed up, people will know you messed up.  I digress.

Pretty self-explanatory, before actually asking a question, biddies think they need to clarify that they are, indeed, about to ask a question (e.g. "Question: Where did you get those shorts?" or "Question: Do you think he's gay-gay or just like gay?").

"My big is the BEST."
When a girl joins a sorority, a total stranger picks her as her little and they become inseparable.  How, you ask?  It's a big's responsibility to buy her little a bunch of glittery crap, then act as a role model by teaching her to drink cranberry and vodkas like a true biddie.  Welcome to the sisterhood.

"We CAN'T go shopping together anymore."
Sometimes girls go shopping together and buy too much, then blame their friends for sneakily coercing them into using their debit card to "Okay" that $90 dress from Express.  Note: usually said in a dressing room, at check-out, or when they're thousands of dollars in debt after college.  Also, usually followed by giggling.

"She's not even that pretty."
Girls say this when they got beat out by another girl for whatever (boys, looks, boys, boys), and they know that the other girl is better and prettier.  So naturally, attacking her by saying she's not even that pretty puts her in her rightful place, with the rest of the uglies.

"Let's do lunch!!"
98% of the time, you guys don't "do" lunch.

"That's so funny" followed by no laughter.
That means whatever you said was not even worth a giggle, so that's really you're own fault.  Sorry I'm not sorry.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Tutorial Tuesday: How To Act Around a Girl on Her Period

If you've ever been around a girl on her period, or about to start her period...or really any girl ever...you'll know that you must tread lightly.  There's a lot of rumors about how to act around a girl riding on her menstrual cycle but I'm here, as always, to fry up a fresh batch of truth for you.

First of all, DON'T ASK if she's on her period, and especially don't call it something stupid like Aunt Flo or the Monthly Gift.  Asking implies that it's only okay for a girl to act like a bitch on her period, and that is 50 shades of false.  If she mentions casually she's on her period, act like you didn't even notice the brownie crumbs on her shirt or the passive-aggressive subtweets aimed at her ex.

I think if you look closely enough at advice park rangers give hikers should they stumble upon a bear in the wild, you'll find it's oddly similar to what you should do if your friend/roommate/girlfriend/mom is on her period.  Hide all your sweets and jars of Nutella at least 30 feet in the air and 100 feet away from where you sleep.  Act non-threatening but don't make yourself the weak one in the pack because then you will DEFINITELY be targeted.

Don't say anything could be interpreted in any other way than how you intend, which should be kind, nice and generous, but not too much of either.  For example, just today my boyfriend asked if I had been to the gym, which obviously means he thinks I'm fat, which means he can get the heck out of my house.  (I stand by my previous declaration that I would never date myself.)

Now is not the time to break plans with or offend this girl.  Grudges established during period week are the hardest to appease.  Hold off on any bad news or beauty suggestion until the train has departed Menstruation Station. Do not ask her to go anywhere that requires strenuous activities, rationale, and definitely no bikinis (are you TRYING to make her feel ugly??).

Lastly, accept that Period Week is the only time girls can get away with everything, because everyone knows the universe gangs up on a girl during her period.  Absolutely anything can be blamed on it.  Zit? Period.  Bad grade?  Period.  Speeding ticket?  Period.  Global warming?  Period.

Sometimes you just have to menstru-wait it out.