Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Tutorial Tuesday: How to Spot a Biddie

A lot of girls will try to tell you they’re not biddies, but I’m here to tell you they’re probably wrong. I’m pretty good at spotting, categorizing, and then mercilessly judging people. As a result, I’ve observed a lot of behavioral habits, and here at this heavenly place called JMU, biddie behavior is one thing of which we will never be short.

If the girl in question is in college and owns patterned rainboots, I would say the likelihood of her being a biddie is a rough 97%. If she owns a T-shirt she’s scoop-necked herself, an iPhone or Blackberry, is currently holding a Starbucks cup, and has ever stood in a group of girls with full shot glasses and toasted with the words “here’s to a GREAT night,” that percentage increases to 110%, at which point she would be called an “epiti-biddie” (the epitome of a biddie). Other telltale signs include, but are DEFINITELY not limited to: wearing the same outfit as her friends as she slut-struts down the sidewalk Plastics-style, planning trips to the tanning bed on days when they have special deals, and working out on the elliptical and/or stair stepper. 

Are you unsure if you yourself are a biddie? Just to be safe, assume you probably are (sidenote: boys can be biddies too; the vernacular equivalent is “bros”). Try listening to yourself talk sometime. If you realize that you’re really obnoxious and talk about arbitrary things like if you should get raisins or Craisins on your salad, then the deal is sealed. Do you find out about major news events via Facebook feed? Did you cry outside the party you were at last Friday night as your friend convinced you that you did nothing wrong? Did you immediately think of Katy Perry when you read that sentence? Biddie. Freaking. Status. But I’m of the opinion that “biddie” shouldn’t carry such negative connotations. Once you get over the inhibitions that come with knowing that everybody wishes you would shut your mouth, being a biddie is SUPER fun. You can even use it to your advantage. See the mock text-conversation below.

Party Host: Hey, I think you broke my table last night when you were dancing on it.
Biddie: OMG I’m soooo sorry, I am such a biddie! David Guetta just makes me wanna dance! Hope you get that fixed, bye!

So biddies, embrace your inner-biddie. Buy that body-glitter and don’t even think twice about it. Complain about boys to your sorority sister in the quiet section of the library. Set Ke$ha as your ringtone and when people roll their eyes at you, proclaim indignantly that you’re sorry that you’re not sorry. Go forth biddies and make me proud.