Saturday, December 1, 2012

Top Ten Myths Girls Love to Believe

Guys live in a fantasy land made up of fake football leagues, girls that only look like Maxim models, and Hardee's burgers that are 100% angus beef.  But girls are just as bad.  It's a proven science fact that if you tell yourself something enough eventually it becomes true for you.  This is why when a girl's ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend she'll say over and over again that "she's not even that pretty" because she's trying to convince herself that it's true.  Like I said, science.  Here are the top ten lies women live by.

1.  Girls love to think that if another girl is mean to them, or is ignoring them, or gives them a dirty look it obviously means that she's jealous.  If someone doesn't like you it's not that you're a bitch, are loud and annoying, or actually neurotic.  It's definitely because she's jealous.  Definitely.

2.  I'm not against tattoos or piercings in any way.  It's 2012, and far be it from me to give two craps if you get a nose stud.  But that's just it.  People don't care.  So ladies, the next time you really feel like you need a pink streak or your left rook pierced, remember two things.  First, don't go around asking what everyone else thinks.  It's not their body, and I can guarantee you they don't care so either do it or shut up.  Secondly, don't think that it'll magically make you look better or more unique.  The only people who notice people's piercings or tattoos are other people with piercings or tattoos.

3.  If you use your middle name as your last name on Facebook your security is enhanced.  Mostly I'm pissed about this because people keep popping up on my Newsfeed and I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE without a last name.  Who is Jennifer Leigh?  Ashley Renee?  Beats the hell out of me.  Do these people think that their future employers won't be able to find all their party pics now?  Again, it's 2012.  I think the Internet is a little beyond that.

4.  Workouts on Pinterest.  Let me tell you something.  You don't get buns by doing 100 jumping jacks and 50 air squats, in the same way that you don't get a full body workout in ten minutes.  I can also tell you that's NOT the workout Victoria's Secret models do.  I'm sick of all this crap about how workouts are more effective in the morning before your "body knows what's going on."  WHAT?  How about you work out when you freaking feel like it, suck it up, and be hardcore for once.  Chair exercises are not hardcore.  If you're not trying to be hardcore than by all means, go plank on a chair, watch a few John Basedow videos and then maybe you top it off with a nice run.  Enjoy being skinny-fat.  And that's all I'll say about that.

Is "pilates" French for "sprints and not eating crap"?
And you'll look the exact same as you do now!

5.  That you and your boyfriend are the "fun couple."  There is no such thing as a fun couple, especially if you have single friends.  More fitting adjectives might be "gross," "most-hated," or "attached-at-the-hip."  People don't like hanging out with couples.  There's a reason no one wants to be a third wheel, and it's because friends and boyfriends are two separate realms.

6.  That they're not going to be exactly like their mothers.  They either are already, or they will be.  Just wait.

7.  That they can be friends with their exes.  It sounds nice, in theory.  I'm even guilty of trying it myself (although, as I like to remind my boyfriend daily, I am flawless in pretty much every other way).*  But think about it in the long-term.  What is your Future Husband Jason (if you're lucky...Jasons are notoriously hot) going to say when you still call High School Derek to catch up when you're back in town visiting mom and dad, or if you invite College Rob to your Christmas party.  No.  It's weird.  Or let's say, heaven forbid, he moves on first.  You're going to hate that, even if you claim that you're not the jealous type.  Which, by the way, you are.

*Sometimes when I write stuff like this I get scared people will think I'm being serious so I feel the need to put an asterisk with a disclaimer.  Although I was being serious about the boyfriend part.  He needs to know.

8.  That you're not the jealous type.  THIS IS NOT A THING.  ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY.  I REPEAT: ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY.  Some are just better at hiding it.  But be warned, those are the ones you need to watch out for the most.  You've seen that show Snapped?  Yeah, well...point made.

9.  That he's not an asshole.  He is.  In the same way that all women are crazy, all men are assholes.  It's just the way of the world, the way it has to be.  Men make women crazy because they're assholes, and women are crazy because men are assholes.  These are the traits we hate about the opposite sex but also the traits we love.  Why?  Well, first because everyone needs something to complain about.  Also, girls would have nothing to talk about with each other at lunch if guys weren't giant douchers all the time, and guys would have no one to sleep with if they swore off the crazy chicks.  Tell me I'm wrong.  No one?  That's what I thought.  Moving on.

10. That they're being healthy when they get a salad and then dump two cups of low fat honey dijon on it, and that drinking Diet Coke is a healthy choice.

I suppose we all need something to believe in, it's just that some people are stupid and everyone should have the same opinions as me.  But no matter what, I think we can all agree on one thing: that the end of the world is definitely near.

No comments:

Post a Comment