Monday, December 24, 2012

Terrible Things That Must End in 2013

Inspired by Gawker's list of 22 Terrible Things That Must End in 2013, I've compiled my own list of things that have long since been okay.  Here we go.

Ugly Sweater Parties.  WHY?  This was fun briefly back in 2008, when it wasn't the theme of every party from November to December.  If I wanted to wear a sweater that lights up or has cotton balls all over it I would have been a kindergarten teacher in 1996.  In protest of these functions I like to dress in the sexiest outfit I can.

Hacking Facebook.  Guess what isn't funny?  Statuses that say "I like penis" or "omg I looooove Insert Name of Hacker so much she is my best friend and I wish I was like her."  Do you really think anyone believes that person just got inked for the first time or genuinely posted a Nickelback music video?  NO.  STOP IT.

Planking.  Oh, how cool, you can lay faced down on the sign of your dorm.  Maybe if planking was as badass as this, then it would be cool.  Until then, why don't we all just stand up and take a normal damn picture.

Girls Wearing Boy Clothes at the Gym.  This trend should have been laid to rest in 2011.  Unless you're a WNBA player, you are not badass enough (well, really even if you are a WNBA player...) to be wearing tall socks.  Yes, I have about seven T-shirts I spontaneously cut the armpits out of because I thought it would make me look cooler when I worked out.  Do I wear them now?  HELL NO.  Do I regret that I did this?  HELL YES, but shirt armpits cannot be sewn back, only preserved in the future.  Let us learn from our mistakes ladies.  Yes, even you with the cursive ribcage quote tattoo.

Westboro Baptist Church.  You know that kid that you babysat for that always used to fling food at you because he was starved for attention and thought he was being a badass?  Well, he's kind of like WBC.  If we ALL just ignore them, maybe they'll go away.

Playing Quarters at Bars.  I tell you what, it is always someone.  You're enjoying a nice beer or six and then you start hearing that quang-clang-ding-ding-dingggg.  I don't allow this game in my own home, so it really beats me why some people think this sort of thing is okay in public.  I have an idea for another game you can play.  It's called Go to Hell.  It's like the adult version of the Quiet Game.

Clipping Your Nails Around Others.  MAN, AIN'T NOBODY WANNA HEAR THAT.  YOU RATCHET.

Taylor Swift.  I'm not saying I hope she gets into a legal suit that slowly dwindles away all her fortunes and leaves her penniless and shameful, but if it has to be that way, then who am I to stop fate?  Speaking of her...

Red Lipstick.  Ladies, let's all just cut this out.  There's a 99.9% chance that you cannot pull off red lipstick.  If you have tried about 50 different tubes trying to find your "perfect shade," then I hate to be the one to break this to you but you're obviously not figuring it out yourself: IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.   Unless you are trying to look like one of the Addams, a hussy, or someone who is trying too hard, then give it up.  Chapstick will do.

Apocalyptic Blockbusters.  Were there as many end-of-the-world movies before Y2K?  I'm hoping now that the world has scraped past December 21st we can cut the zombie crap and make movies that aren't about Earth being rediscovered as a dust-covered wasteland with ultra-dangerous robot animals.  Although how ironic would it have been if the world had ended before all those movies came out?  Lolz.

Gourmet Cupcakes.  People are making careers out of decorating normal, box-mix cupcakes to look like rose petals and alligators and shit.  White girls eat that crap up, literally.

Saran Wrap.  For the love of GOD, will someone please come up with a Saran Wrap-like product that doesn't stick to my hand and face.  Shit's dangerous.

Using "That Girl" or "That Guy" as Your Twitter Name.  DO YOU THINK I KNOW WHO YOU ARE?  How about That Unoriginal Asshole.  That'll stand out.

Koozies From Weddings.  Apparently everyone who has gotten married in the last three years thought it was an awesomely original (cough Pinterest cough) idea to make koozies with the couples name on them for their wedding party favors.  Now I have an entire drawer of koozies with people's wedding date on them, so I never forget.  How 'bout that.

As always, I'm not sorry if I offended anyone, and may a happier year be upon us.

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