Sunday, December 23, 2012

The People You'll Encounter on Winter Break

Whenever I'm away from college, I really start missing biddies.  It's hard being away from your natural habitat, because you start realizing cruel things about the real world like that you can't pay for Starbucks with your student ID or that everyone in the world isn't young and hot.  But here I am on winter break, happily not paying for any of my own meals but being forced to work out in a gym with old people and go to bars where people actually play with those little handheld electronic games.  The horror.

I love my hometown.  Truly, I do.  Sometimes when I'm away I miss swerving deer on the way home or the sounds of gunshots from the shooting range mere acres from my house.  It's a small town where most of us know each other and bond together in a communal hatred for the same things: Wal-Mart, cities, and the brats students at the university in town.  But there are other things that I have questionable feelings about, and most of them are the types of people I encounter while home on break.  Also the uncanny love of all things venison in this town...

Your Parents
The older you get the less likely it is that your friends will return home over breaks.  This leaves you the option of hanging out with your new roommates: your parents.  It's not that bad; the alcohol is nicer, the meals are better, and at this point in your life you're probably more friends with your parents than the bane of their existence.

Old Teachers and Principals
It's one thing when you see these people when you are a current student, but it's a whole different thing when you've been graduated for four years.  There's that moment when you're waiting to see if they'll recognize you, during which you contemplate diving into the mall fountain or leaping over the bar at the coffee shop to hide under the counter.  If they do recognize you, it can mean one of two things: That you made a really good impression, or that you ruined their every ounce of willpower and passion for life and they haven't freaking forgotten.

Your Mom's Friends
Somehow you only see them at brunch when you are severely hungover and they are in packs.

Friends From High School
Thank sweet baby jesus for these people that make break bearable.  When you all get together at sketchy but gloriously cheap hometown bars it's almost like your back in homeroom, gossiping ruthlessly about the same people you did in high school, except this time it's awesomer because you get to talk about who got fat.  Let's just say there's nothing better than the Head Bitch of Ridgemont High didn't exactly get into the pretty sorority.

Neutrals From High School
Eh, whatever.  It's fun to run into these people because it gives you something to talk about with your friends and one will undoubtedly have some throwback reunion birthday party, but as soon as break is over you can go back to forgetting they exist until they pop up in your newsfeed ten years from now.

People You Hate From High School
If you're lucky, these people are the same people who got fat.  If you're not, you will immediately revert back to the awkward, clammy-handed, brace-faced high schooler who had zero self-confidence and a lot of stress pimples.

People Who Never Got Out
This is just sad.  I don't know about y'all's hometowns but if you don't leave when you can YOU NEVER WILL.  It's called the Black Hole Phenomenon, and it ends with you working at the Mediterranean restaurant downtown taking out garbage until you're 27, when you decide opening your own meth lab is a good career strategy.  You might also see girls that have gotten pregnant, which is really the best scenario because there's no awkward conversation with this type of person: pregnant bitches love to talk about being pregnant bitches.  You can also make jokes about her being the Virgin Mary 2.0 and other Jesus/Christmas related idioms.

Your High School Ex
There's only one way this situation can be good: if he's done a dating downgrade thus declaring you the winner of the breakup.  There are other less favorable possible outcomes...

You young lovers might  rekindle the old hormonally driven flame after realizing you miss each other (you don't miss each other, you're bored) over a coffee.  You might hook up for a few weeks and then come the second week of January you'll have to have the same conversation you had four years ago: that you'll always love each other but you just can't turn down all the opportunities college offers you.  If he cries, it's reassurance you're making the right decision.  If you cry, you should be ashamed of yourself.  But hey, old habits die hard.

On the other hand, he might have upgraded.  While his hot girlfriend may seem like the worst thing in the world, do NOT spend your winter break sulking in angst and playing patty-cake with your diary.  It isn't entirely awful; this gives you the opportunity to act however you want.  If he brings his new girl around then you have every right to act as crazy and unreasonably territorial as you normally are but have to mask.  Things like throwing tantrums/drinks at the bar, calling up his mother to wish her happy holidays (she always liked you) while accidentally letting it slip you heard her new future daughter-in-law has the syph, or hooking up with every boy from high school that you always wished you could have dated instead of wasting your time with that no-load are all acceptable reactions.

Winter Break Hook-Ups
Everybody's gotta do something on New Year's right?  Plus, it's good to keep some people on the back burner for when you're bored on future breaks.  Just saying.

Santa Impersonators
Does anyone else think that the numerous amount of Santas around town can be confusing to little kids?  Like they must have so many questions...

Happy mingling, and may your Winter Break end just before you go insane, go insane, throw some glitter make it snow.

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