Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Real World: When Girls Stop Being Biddies and Start Being Adults

In a few short weeks, I will don my cap and gown and walk proudly across the stage to accept my hard-earned diploma.  It's a moment I've imagined vividly for 56 days, when I began my countdown to graduation.  But while I'm excited to finally close the door on all-nighters, endless projects and the tenure system there are a few aspects of the real world of which I'm hesitant.

There are a lot of behaviors that aren't acceptable post-grad.  What probably/hopefully comes to your mind are things like flip cup tournament fundraisers for charities and taking Tuperware containers to buffet-style restaurants.  I'm okay with that.  What I'm not okay with is how literally 90 percent of my wardrobe is not appropriate for wear in locations that aren't college campuses.  What kind of workplace has a yoga-pants dress code? None.  Cowboy boots and jean shorts?  Forget about it.  Bathing suits?  Only at the pool.

"This is business casual right?"

And think about it...have you ever seen anyone older than 22 wearing a hoodie?  No.  I don't know what they do with all their heavily worn sweatshirts but I'll tell you one thing: Plato's Closet does not go for that stuff.  Or maybe they just don't go for any of my stuff.  Seriously I hate that place. 

You can't just throw your clothes in the washer on normal cycle and cold water anymore.  Life in the real world means one thing: you better find a cheap, close dry cleaner because once you move your tassel over your clothes are way too nice to "tumble dry."  Regular washers and dryers are for peasants, apparently.

Social Media
Did you know that once Facebook finds out you've graduated they take away your chat and then you're forced to use some website called "Google Plus"?  But seriously, have you ever seen anyone under 22 on Google Plus?  Be prepared to get G-Chatted.

You know when you go on Instagram and there's always that one girl that's like "Cooked my dinner tonight and it was so delish #chefstatus" and her meal actually looks ratchet?  I hope that girl isn't graduating because it's not acceptable to do that anymore.  When you graduate, you have to cook every meal every night and if you're Instagramming all of that you need to get a job or start a mommy blog.

Mashed pomegranate and bird poop for dinner #nutritious and #soyummy

Reading Material
Let's be real, no one in college has time to read leisurely, but when they do they [girls] are reading Cosmo.  But say your goodbyes to the 52 never-before-seen-until-next-month sex tips because from here on out it's Real Simple and Southern Living for you, Miss Thang.

Eating and Drinking
This is about to change drastically.  Nowhere outside of a college town will you find pitchers less than $2, so drink up.  You can't swipe a card and get handed a meal anymore.  You also can't keep wearing your 21st birthday tiara and expect to get free drinks every Friday.  Live it up birthday girl.

Congratulations to the class of 2013, and may your transition into the real world not hit you like two-ton tractor trailer going 80 mph.  I hope you have all taken over-saturated pictures of yourselves around campus in your graduation garb and posted them all over the Internet, because you don't get your diploma unless you have.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

A Letter to My High School Self

Dear 17-year-old Sallie,

Hey girl! It's me...and I guess you.  You're probably sitting in a hookah bar, pretending to read texts on your purple flip phone and thinking you're a badass because you don't think the employees know you and your 12 friends aren't 18.  Live it up girl.  Live it up.

First of all, I need you to listen the hell up.  I know your life sucks and all right now because you haven't figured out brown eye shadow and curling gel is not your best look, but here's the good news: you won't always be in high school.  Things get better, specifically around junior year of college when you ditch the high school boyfriend and you turn 21, but I don't want to give away endings, so enough about that.  Let's focus on the here and now.

Number one: stop listening to Owl City.  You will regret that, when four years from now -- no matter what you do -- it still accounts for 12 of your 25 most recently played songs on iTunes.

Take a minute to apologize to everyone who ever went to your MySpace and had to hear this crap playing automatically.

Number two: lose the punk rock look.  What is that?  I know you want everyone to know you went to the Warped Tour, but you didn't need to buy a T-shirt from every band you saw.  Also, you look like a hoodrat, and nothing screams tool like writing "Hug more" on one Converse and "Hate less" on the other.

Speaking of looks, Mom was wrong when she said you look the best senior year of high school, so don't be alarmed when those graduation pics come back and you look sweaty and fat.  Don't blame it on the photographers either, because the truth is, you are sweaty and fat.  Get over it.  Also, quit being a brat and maybe your mom will like you a little better.

Stop thinking you're cool, cause ya ain't.  The things that you think are cool and try to discreetly brag about are actually really freaking embarrassing.  Think about that the next time you open your mouth to blurt out some fact about horses or volleyball.  It might also behoove you to not make out with your entire grade, but ya know, hormones are hard to control, so I understand.

Here's a friendly suggestion: maybe you shouldn't drive for a couple years.  At the very least, try to avoid ever reversing, your friends' driveways and most parking lots.  It'll save you a few replacement car doors and your dad a few buckaroos.

Other than that, keep on doing what you do, which from what I can remember consists of trying to get teachers fired and rigging the senior superlatives.

"Peace out river trout," as you would say.  (Stop that, too.)

Friday, April 12, 2013

White Girl Problems

White girls get a lot of unnecessary crap, like why they're always wearing lacy dresses in the woods in American Eagle ads and how they're always complaining and driving poorly.

But listen, our lives hare hard.  It's not all Starbucks coffee dates and cute stuff your boyfriend does for you, okay?  White girls have their own sets of problems...

Tweeting too much.  I try to make all my tweets hilarious and/or weird, but sometimes it's not always possible.  It's unfair when you're kept in class the full time.  It's really annoying when you have a bad workout.  Sometimes my dinner is mediocre. These are the kind of things that the world doesn't definitely needs to know.

Anything having to do with cars.  Just don't talk to me about that, okay? Every time I go home my dad asks me if I've changed my oil lately, and I just stare at him.  What are you saying and also who has time for that?

Math.  It's not our fault -- boys are just better at math, and numbers are boring.  Literally the only thing I know about math is how to calculate percentages.  My mom taught me how so I know what price 40 percent off cardigans are.

Looking at yourself in the mirror while you cry.  Who knows why you started crying, probably because your butt looked particularly flat that day, but once you look in the mirror there's no going back until your pillow is literally covered in snot.

When Facebook took away wall-to-walls.  Like, how am I supposed to stalk people now?

Trying to decide your future baby's names when you have so many picked out.  Don't look at me like that.  What do YOU do in class?

All your favorite childhood idols ruining their lives.  Amanda Bynes: posting vulgar and degrading messages on Twitter.  Topanga: gee, I wonder where she's been for ten years.  Lindsay Lohan: Lindsay Lohan.  Miley Cyrus: bad, awful, nasty haircut, identity crisis and smoking salvia.  All we have left is Hilary Duff and she's pregnant with Good Charlotte's baby sooooo I guess lifestyles of the rich and famous.

Screw Vernoica Mars, let's get The Amanda Show Kickstarter going. 

The fact that Miley Cyrus ruined her life and still gets away with having the hottest guy in the world as her husband.  What gives.

Legitimately thinking your life is Mean Girls.  I exaggerate a lot of stuff, but not this: The other day I told someone I knew the girl whose dad invented Toaster Strudels.  I absolutely do not, but sorry I'm not sorry that I grew up in the Mean Girls era.  Who am I kidding, it's always an era because it's the best movie ever made ever.

Your mom's friends on Facebook.  Seriously, stop blowing up my news feed and stop asking me to "add my birthday."

Your checked bag on an airplane.  Fifty pound limit??  Do you know how much my hair products weigh ALONE??

Pandora being more attentive to your needs than your boyfriend.  I think it's pretty obvious that it was created by a girl, but for any boys out there looking for dating advice: be as polite and accommodating as Pandora.  If you don't like a song, it apologizes profusely and swears that it will never play that song again.  I've told my boyfriend time and time again I don't like when he talks to other girls, and he hasn't sworn off that, so......

Studies about how bad Diet Coke is for you.  Water has 0 calories too, and nobody says you shouldn't drink that, do they??

Not having enough time to keep up with your blog because you have to apply for adult jobs. Ugh, whatever.