Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Stupid Stuff Girls Do at the Gym

I love biddies.  I may not have made this obvious, but it's true.  

With that being said, there is one place that I absolutely do not love biddies: the gym.  This is because they are all dumb and also because I hate everyone at the gym.

Biddies do only one thing at the gym: waste time and space.  I think this is largely due to a lack of education.  As much as it pains me to admit it, I used to be one of them.

First things first though.  I'm not really sure what the theory is behind "gym buddies."  Working out is not fun.  This is not a social event.  Maybe it's okay for four of you to be holding hands when, say, you're playing Red Rover or crossing the street, but not on the track ladies.  What part of working out is a group activity?  Oh, that's right, NONE.

Secondly, I see biddies do the most pointless stuff at the gym.  I'll start with the obvious: talking about how sore you'll be after yoga.  NO.  NEIN.  QUIT THAT.  Stop inhaling all your own bullshit, and be hardcore for once.  Yoga is not a work out.  It's an exercise in stretching and breathing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for yoga.  All the times I've ever done it I felt high the rest of the day: a good, floating-on-a-cloud high, not an I-accidentally-ate-my-older-brother's-weed-brownies-ohGodwhenwillthisbeover kind of high.  

And the ab exercises.  What YouTube videos are you getting these moves off of!?  What is that even doing for you?  Straining your neck?  Good, keep up the good work.  Also, like pennies, hip-flexing/all the other pointless circuit machines need to be melted down and used as metal for actual things that produce real results.  But I mean, if you want to work one muscle group at a time, that's all you...

But my biggest complaint of all is the amount of cardio that biddies are doing.  Excuse me for sounding like I'm on a Bowflex commercial, but this is important so listen up: I used to be a cardio junky, doing 50 minutes every day with no results.  LOW-INTENSITY CARDIO IS POINTLESS.  I'm not saying all the biddies need to hop off the ellipticals and treadmills, because quite frankly it keeps them out of the way from the other real parts of the gym.  But don't expect anything to change.  

If you think running for 30 minutes a day is going to get you toned by spring break, I have something to tell you: that's not how it works.  Your muscles get toned by being stressed; cardio produces no systemic stress, thus no improved endurance.  If you're not sore the day after you work out, then nothing is happening to your muscles.  Yeah, sweating might make you feel like you're doing something, but really the only thing you're doing is pounding your joints into the ground.  Lifting weights produces a hormonal response that reduces body fat; moving your legs produces a terrible mood that makes you miserable and isolated.  (You may still be in denial of this, but believe me...it'll happen one day.)

And lastly, to all you hussies wearing make-up and sports bras as your top:  YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.

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