Friday, March 8, 2013

Now Trending

Much like the ebbing of the tides and the popularity of bellbottoms, certain things in our culture come and go. Fads are what keep life interesting, when our bitchy friends or kids from high school that got pregnant aren’t doing the trick. Here are some of the latest trends from our generation…

Super Foods I can’t find a recipe that doesn’t have kale in it these days. I don’t really know what kale is, mostly because I don’t really care enough to find out, but from what I can tell it looks like steamed spinach they served in the cafeteria during elementary school. I don’t know what part of a kale smoothie sounds enticing, but according to Pinterest if you drink them in the morning it’ll shrink your waistline in a week…all I’m saying is I wouldn’t want to see what’s coming out the other end. 

 And quinoa, Jesus. No one even knows what quinoa is. Every time I ask some hippie who swears by quinoa what it really is, they always say “it’s a supergrain.” Oh, is that so? Well that just answers all my questions...NO. That’s the biggest load of propaganda I’ve ever heard. A grain is a grain, and they’re all boring and stupid no matter what kind of Mediterranean dressing you put on it.  Go eat some protein.

Vine I guess it’s the new Snapchat, but dealing more with videos you can post. Whatever, the point is I can’t pay attention to any YouTube video longer than 30 seconds and if it doesn’t have a baby laughing or a cat scratching a dog in the face then I’m really not interested.

Tinder We’re in the digital age, and despite Catfish’s best efforts this app is making online dating less and less 400-pound-man-in-his-mom’s-basement and more and more normal. When the sorostitutes in my class aren’t talking about what they pinned to their “Loveeee” boards on Pinterest they’re talking about who liked them on Tinder.

Has anyone noticed that rednecks are the new guidos of reality TV?  They're totally in right now.  One thing I don’t hate: Si from Duck Dynasty. One thing I do hate: that Buckwild wasn’t filmed when I was in high school because THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT MY LIFE WAS LIKE. 

Lookin' good boys.

Sneaker Heels You know when you find one of those bags covered in sequins that you had in middle school, or those crinkly shirts circa fifth grade yearbook picture? It hurts, deep down, to think that you ever wore these things. This is how we’re going to look at sneaker heels in three years months.

Turqoise Go in any Forever 21 on the east coast and the only colors you’ll see are glitter, cheetah, and light turquoise. 

Side note, if you’d like to participate in my grassroots movement to make Teal Pants Tuesday a thing, go out and get a pair of teal pants and wear them…on Tuesdays. And then tweet about it.
Rustic Weddings Weddings are nothing these days if there aren’t chalkboards directing people where to sit or receptions that take place in barns with a butt-ton of paper lanterns and string lights in them. It’s all about rustic chic, two things that absolutely do not go together, but if you hire a wedding planner (which is, by the way, not a real job) then you better believe she’ll make it happen. 


Boo It’s some fluffy dog on the Internet. Bitches love it, who knows why.

No matter what fads come in and out of style, I think it's safe to say that 99 percent of them are all dumb, the exception being fad diets because those things have really worked for me.

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