Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Tutorial Tuesday: How to Hit on a Guy

Valentine's Day is coming up and if you're a chick that means one of two things: you're either stressing out about being romantic with your boy toy or else you're single and have already started making self-pitying "jokes" about how comically alone you'll be on the 14th (and going home and crying at yourself in the mirror).  If you're the latter, I'm here to help (if you're the former, go for a stuffed teddy bear, minimum 5-foot height requirement).

The first thing you need to do is stop being so blatant about being single.  No guy wants to hear about how much cheesecake you consume on the daily to replace the hole in your life where a man should be.  This is along the same logic as playing "hard to get," except instead of being coy and slightly out of reach your goal is just to not be creepily desperate.  Secondly, make sure you look presentable AT ALL TIMES.  This means beauty boot camp: no yoga pants until V-Day and you have to start wearing concealer again.  It sucks but it's the only way.  Also consider reading up on sports and grilling hamburgers, both great topics to discuss with males.

Now it's time to hit the town and hit on some dudes.  I would suggest going out with girls who won't bitch if you ditch.  Also, stick to groups of 4 or fewer (groups of girls exceeding 5 tend to naturally form exclusive circles and dance together all night, forming an impenetrable barrier of awful dancing).

Now usually guys will approach YOU, in which case you only have to woo him with your good looks.  If you don't have those, personality and intelligent conversation will have to do.  However, most of us are aware that chivalry is dying a slow painful death and I personally like to attribute all the world's problems to the global warming myth.

So you see that as chivalry decreases temperatures increase, clearly.  Disclaimer: I'm not really sure how graphs (or math in general) work.

In the inevitable (yet oddly empowering) event that you have to take the initiative, keep the following strategies in mind.

  1. Men like to feel needed.  Feign an argument with your girl-friend and approach him, asking if he'll kindly be the third-party settling opinion.  Things like cars and workout strategies are good.
  2. Along those lines, I've heard it's cute when girls can be "one of the guys."  However take this advice with a shot of tequila and a grain of salt because it's a fine line to walk and if you talk too much about the end zone you could wind up in the friend zone.
  3. Establish common ground.  This essentially means lying until you convince him that you share a similar interest (a good way to do this is to acquire a base of knowledge about a wide range of topics by watching lots of Jeopardy), and then subtly slip in a comment about meeting for coffee to talk about ________.
  4. Hands down the method with the highest personal success rate is this little nugget: I've found that if you persistently make "jokes" about how a guy you know is your boyfriend (with him in ear shot), eventually he will become so uncomfortable he will be unable to refuse your advances.  Call it what you will but I consider being weird an endearing quality.
  5. If that doesn't work (read: if YOU mess it up because there's no way it doesn't work), impress him with your dance moves.  For example, I devote about 15 minutes a day learning how to do the worm.  Don't have any rhythm?  Joke dancing is a good option because it makes you appear funny and covers up the bleak reality that you cannot dance in the slightest.
And with that here comes the bride (that's you)!*

*For all who find a significant other because of this post I reserve an invitation and free limo ride to your wedding.**


Monday, January 30, 2012

Monday Mash-up of Weird Things I Found on the Internet

Sorry it's taken me a while to post!  I've been really swamped with seeing how long I can go this semester without opening up a text book and learning to use this new rice cooker I got that looks like a robot, but fear not because tomorrow something really great is coming... In the mean time, here are some things at which to look.

I'd like to think I was someone like this man in my last life, or that someday I'll be this bad-ass.

Honesty is a virtue.
I'm not entirely convinced that personal entertainment isn't the sole reason people have babies.

Who would think this is cute/okay? 
Cats are always funny, even more so when they are being sneaky.

I rest my case.

Well at least I think this is funny.

That just seems a little extreme to me...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

7 Habits of Highly Effective White Girls

As I've stated numerous times before, it is not easy living as a white person in the first world.  I'm not even saying that because it's popular nowadays to joke about how facets of both of things apply to your life, I'm saying it because it's true.  My life is difficult.  Seriously.

Anyways, this post is like that book my mom got me awhile ago, "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People."  I never read it but I think I get the basic premise and I've adapted it to fit what I assume to be my audience so that you, too, don't have to waste your precious time reading that boring piece of crap.  Adopt these 7 habits of highly effective white girls today!  (And as always donations to the Help a Sista Out Foundation are welcome.)

Have a Gay Best Friend
It's no secret that white girls and gay men make for great friendships, funny stereotypes, and a dang good time.  They possess many similar interests such as Nikki Minaj, sexually-charged (but-totally-okay-because-he's-gay) dancing, well-dressed men, and glitter.  Friendships between these 2 lovable types of people are essentially matches made in heaven (though I have a small inkling that the obsession biddies have for gay men is not reciprocated to quite the same degree).  The point is, white girls need gay best friends to give them that loving bitch-slap-talk about staying "sasha fierce"when they get too wasted and start crying at the club.

Adopt Healthy Eating Habits
White girls are usually super diligent about their diets that consist of salads and granola bars and cups of yogurt with fresh berries on top.  But every once in a while a white girl must break from her Special K and dried apricot cuisine and go on a rampage.  It could be after a night of heavy drinking when she orders a whole pizza for herself, or it could be while she is PMS-ing and buys a 5-pound bag of bulk candy at the grocery store to satisfy her cravings.  Whatever her vice is, she has to talk about how bad she felt about it for at least a week after digestion of the junk food in question.

I cannot stress this enough.  Of the things that white girls say, 100% of those things are complaints.  She's always cold, her favorite lipstick is being discontinued next year, her windshield wipers are acting "ghetto," her boyfriend said Katherine Heigl was pretty, her boyfriend said he didn't like Katherine Heigl, blah-dy blah BLAH.  All they do is bitch bitch bitch no matter what.

Be a Good Friend
As a white girl, being a good friend consists of only 2 elements: occasionally asking your friends to go to the Cheesecake Factory and listening to them bitch.  Not the best listener?  It's okay, give them advice.  It matters not what the advice is.  It can be anything, ranging from what type of conditioner is best for your specific type of hair to how you dealt with your ex-boyfriend.  The only requirement is that it be totally irrelevant to your friend's problem and that it refocus the conversation on you.

Work Hard in School
This can be done by owning a pair of low-prescription eyeglasses worn at the library (especially cute when paired with yoga pants), acquiring a coffee addiction/claiming to have acquired a coffee addiction, buying colored pens, and then tweeting about how you are going to "die at the libraryyyyy."

Dress to Impress
For this you will need a few wardrobe essentials, like a pencil skirt, a pair of American Eagle jeans, and a pair of TOMS (make sure you bought them solely for the brand though).  Beauty products are equally important, specifically a hair straightener and some zit cream your boyfriend must never know you own.

Have a Few Token White Girl Experiences
Have a sweet sixteen birthday party, get your Red Cross babysitting certificate, have weekly girls' nights to watch Pretty Little Liars, join a sorority and make out with one of the sisters, or marry a prince.

And that's pretty much how it's done!  Happy hump day!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Theoretically Speaking

Although I’m nary 21 years old, I like to think I’m pretty wise. I’ve gone abroad, broken bones, and once in elementary school I got to hold a chinchilla, all signs that I’ve lived a pretty full life for being so young. Through these experiences I’ve accrued several pieces of wisdom that I hope to someday compile into an Oprah’s Book Club-certified book sold only in hardcover (even if by the time this happens books are only sold electronically and Oprah, god forbid, is no longer with us). Anyway, here are some theories I’ve tested and sort of approved. 
  • Never say Waffle House or any other fast food restaurant after midnight. You WILL have to have it, and you will do potentially dangerous things to get it. The things I’ve done for a Cookout tray are kind of embarrassing (but the cheeseburger, chicken wraps, hushpuppies, and Reeces Pieces milkshake all for $5 was totally worth it). 
  • And the next thing you know there's a $22 charge to Waffle House on your debit card.
  • If you’re trying to win free food for the rest of your life a good idea is to product-plug them into uh, say, your blog. (this one has not been confirmed as of publishing)
  • Yo but seriously go there because I freaking love it.
  • Don’t do too many sit-ups because six packs on women are kind of freaky.
  • If you convince yourself six packs on women are freaky you don't have to do as many sit-ups.
  • If you are planning a camping trip, it will rain, snow, and also hail that weekend, and then resume a balmy 80 degree median temperature on Monday. No matter what time of year.
  • When you get pregnant you can do whatever you want. Although I have an aversion to pregnancy rooted in my inability to ever be mature about anything, a little part of me is excited about it. You can have really weird cravings (which I do normally I just have to keep to myself), start crying and not have a reason for it (which I do normally and just have to keep to myself), rest your plate of food on your belly, stop having to lift things, stop having to cook things, stop going to work, stop not being moody, start wearing overalls, the list goes on. So you need to live it up. Never again will you be able to get away with these things, but when you’re pregnant everybody is too excited for you to think twice about why they are sitting at a Sonic buying you two orders of mozzarella sticks with a side of tuna salad while you stay at home and watch The Real World (you just found out how I'm going to be when I'm pregnant).
  • I'm just saying I bet B was one sassy pregnant lady.
  • Never be friends with someone you can’t imagine yourself having a prank war with. Pranks with no retaliation are anti-fun. 
  • Do whatever it takes to get your significant other’s family to like you. If you’re a vegetarian and they’re having hamburgers, eat 3 of them. If your future father-in-law is obsessed with his collection of toy trains then by god you better act like you love toy trains (but not as much as his daughter). 
  • When people say “that’s so funny” without laughing, what you just said is not funny. I do this when I am not willing to put forth the effort to even fake laugh (which is saying a lot because laughing is my default reaction for literally everything…I will giggle at ANYTHING) and I am sure that the person I’m with is too stupid or self-absorbed to notice that it’s not actually funny.
  • Buuuut here is something that is actually funny.
Also just so you know I copyrighted all of these so don't even think about trying to make moves on that book idea.  Have a great week you little buttercups!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Things All Girls Do

College girls are hands-down THE most prebdictable creatures on the planet. They are not original and they all say and think the same stupid things (and unfortunately now there is Twitter and Facebook so you can see it as well as hear it). I’ve met a few original girls in my life, but it turns out they used to be dudes, so scratch that.

Every year when Starbucks starts selling their Pumpkin Spice Latte or their Peppermint Mocha with Extra Java Flavored Roofies girls go APESHIT. They also like to express how they’re “soo addicted to the Pumpkin Chip Sugar Bomb Macchiato, I could drink like 50 in a row.” Oh, really? Could you? I heard the 12-step program for that is really effective. 

All girls will claim that they are “really good at reading people.” Now I’m not an expert but I don’t think we can all be really good at reading people, and also what the frick does it mean to “read someone”? I guess they just have a supernatural ability to pull apart the layers of someone and figure them out in seconds, because, you know, people are never multi-dimensional.

Girls are really into “wine nights” with other girls. This is when they get together, split 2-5 cheap bottles of Barefoot and talk about boys, usually ending up in Facebook stalking whatever manfriend the whiniest (wine-iest) one has. I wish I was lying to you but it’s a fact. 

Pinterest is a relatively new player in the monotony and homogeny of a college girl’s life. They will spend hours pinning and repinning things to boards, mostly recipes for cookie dough cake poppers that they’ll never make because of their diets or ideas for their future engagement photos. The reason everyone hates the U.S. is because THESE are the things our nation’s future is concerned about. 

Girls also love to talk about how they want to steal cute babies they see or how they really want to adopt. This is usually followed by a statement about how black babies or Asian babies are sooo much cuter than white babies, to which all her girlfriends agree.

Lastly, whenever they talk about something they bought online, they say they bought if “offline,” even though dial-up internet is no longer a thing and I don’t think that’s possible.

And just to keep you entertained with some multimedia, here is a video.  Bye!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Annoying People Friday: Grab Bag

TGIF, so I can vent about all the annoying people I encountered this week!  Let's start right off with...

The Best Friends Girl 
First and foremost let me say there’s nothing wrong with girls who have best friends. Some of my best friends have best friends (they’re not me though, awkward). The Best Friends Girl has a group of 1-3 gal pals that do everything together, and when they’re all together they probably call themselves the Core Four and giggle a lot, making all the other girls who don’t have a core four or a fearsome foursome or a cheesesome threesome feel terrible about themselves. Although I don’t personally have any best friends, I don’t really get jealous of the girls that do because the number of shits I give is 0. If you’re my friend, you know it, and I don’t think I need to post it all over my Facebook, but that’s just me. 

"Soooo true for us right?!"

The New Years Resolution Gym Rats 
I go to the gym to unwind, and so that I can eat a lot of ice cream.   I also go to people-watch, which is really so I can brainstorm material for my blog, which in essence is work, but I digress. Anyway, I was so excited to come back to school and get back into my workout routine after gorging myself for 3 weeks on cookies and bon-bons.  But what do I notice at the gym upon my return? A lot more skin, a lot more stupidity, and a lot less open machines. I think it’s great that people want to transform themselves just in time for the end of the world. However, the gym is not a fashion show, a social event, or a speed-dating venue, so put on some actual clothes, do what you need to do, remember to disinfect your nasty germs from the elliptical, and leave.

My mom taught me not to stare at people because it’s rude. Being a member of society taught me it’s awkward to continue staring at someone after they’ve noticed you staring at them. They’re not quite as bad as mouth-breathers, but gazers make for a really awkward time, especially if you look back and they’re still looking at you. Do I have something on my face? Are your eyes just jacked up and you’re not actually staring at me?? So many questions, so many stares!

Yeah, so don't be those people.

In conclusion, happy Friday the 13th!  Don't hang out under any ladders or open your umbrella inside.  If you really want to cover your butt take a page out of my book and don't look in the mirror today.  You never know when it could break...

Gossip Girl (?)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

6 Lessons I Learned in College

  1.  Don’t put your phone in your back pocket.  If you’re a biddie like me and wear tight jeans, it WILL fall into the toilet when you stand up.  Fishing around in your own pee isn’t fun (but I ain’t above it).  This is why I will never have an iPhone (also it's really hard to go off the grid if you have an iPhone and I always like to keep that as an option).
  2. You know all that free stuff they give you in your dorm room when you move in?  Hide it, immediately.  Nothing marks you as a freshman like a free lanyard bouncing around your neck.
  3. By a similar and somewhat contradictory token, never deny anything free that you’re being offered (unless it’s a drink that’s been roofied).  Even if you don’t need it, it’s free, so take it.  Also, toilet paper is really expensive so if you're ever in a position to steal it, don't hesitate.  
  4. If you are out at a party and you see someone you recognize from one of your classes but have not really spoken to before, it may seem like a good idea to introduce yourself and make some awkward “I’m such a creep but you’re in my 210 class (giggle giggle giggle)” comment.  From my observations, how good of an idea this is seems to directly correlate with how, um, "influenced" you are, but you should know that it’s never a good idea.  You’ll see the person in class on Monday, and not sure if he remembers you and vice versa, you will sit across from him all semester never acknowledging the moment you were best friends.
  5. If you’re getting hit on by a guy who is weird/old/really nice but your stars just aren’t aligned, give him a fake number; it’s easy, just change the last digit of your real number.  If you’re SUPER hot and hang out in really creepy places, it might even behoove you to create an alter-ego (for example if I was super hot and hung out in really creepy places, I would introduce myself as Ruby Oliver, an ex-model for the esteemed French cigarette company La Fumée…yeah I might do this anyway).
  6. The best way to deal with roommate problems is to be passive-aggressive.  Slamming doors and turning up the air conditioning are fool-proof methods that get your point across 60% of the time all the time.

But the number one truth I've discovered about college is from a saying my mom likes to tell me when I call her with my problems so she can get off the phone with me:  "Well Sallie, you learn a lot of lessons in college, and some of them are in the classroom.  *Click*"

Sunday, January 8, 2012

In Defense of Biddies

If you're familiar with the internet, you're aware that society thinks it's cute for white people to say "haters gon' hate."  If you're familiar with stupid people, you're aware that they think it's cute to hate on biddies.  But allow me to be a cute white person and say to those stupid people, haters gon' hate.  And I don't care.

[RANT ALERT] People need to realize that biddies bring the party.  They will always offer to share their Franzia with you and they always want to take a picture with you, and by god they will make sure it is profile-pic-worthy.  They are FUN.

On top of that, they provide entertainment for everyone else at the party.  Don't act like you've never taken bets on how many times a biddie will fall during the course of a night, or laughed out loud when you've seen a biddie running down the sidewalk in heels, bravely facing the December wind in a crotch-length dress.  But laugh not, for she is a woman among women and she is just trying to dance.

Biddies are the reason both feminism and femininity still exist.  If there were no biddies, every girl would be ugly.  A biddie-less world would be glitter-less, and probably sunshine-less.  Diet Coke and Cosmopolitan would go out of business, and eventually capitalism would fall.

A whole sector of society and culture would cease to exist.  Twitter accounts would disappear into oblivion and college campuses would reek of testosterone and last night's beer.  Facebook timeline would never take off and yoga would be revered as merely an ancient Indian practice.  Sarah Jessica Parker would still be a struggling actress with a horse face.

So I ask, is that the kind of world you want???

Plain and simple, being a biddie is NOT A BAD THING.  Just like the nerds were told in middle school, someday biddies will be your future boss, or at least the girl that your future boss thinks is hot.  So biddies, let the haters be your motivators, and only text and drive if you're using T9.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Remember Y2K?

Greetings survivors of New Years Eve 2011!  I made it to 2012, one pair of 4 inch glittery heels richer (it was an impulse buy).

Me and my main biddie Caroline in our matching-ish shoes.*
It has been a while since I've posted but with good reason: I've been hard at work coming up with and accomplishing resolutions.  So far 2012 has been occupied by dental floss, push-ups, being on time to places, and drinking 8 cups of water a day.  Just kidding, it's been occupied by Reeces Pieces and naps.

I never really stress over new years resolutions.  On a serious note, I think that if you want to make a change in your life you just do the damn thing instead of waiting until a really anti-climactic holiday (don't get me wrong though, there's nothing I love more than watching an over-sized disco ball descend slowly from the New York City sky whilst crammed between 2 couples making out).  People always talk about how the previous year is going to be blown out of the water by the new one but let's be real, it's probably going to be about the same.  Yes, there will be high hopes, well-intentioned self-improvement plans, and an influx in gym membership over the next couple of weeks but these will fade once the WORST MONTH EVER (February) arrives and we're all depressed from Vitamin D deprivation.

However, there are a few things I'd like to see in 2012:
  • Less pop culture dealing with Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler.
  • More Ben and Jerry's flavors.
  • More bikers wearing helmets (seriously!!!).
  • One snowpocalypse that results in 1 week of missed classes and maybe an igloo, followed by the immediate arrival of spring.
  • A constant 75 degree temperature from February to May.
  • A visit from extra-terrestrials
  • As always, I am really pulling for a ghost encounter.  This might be my year. 
  • A really weird celebrity couple, for example Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Lil Bow Wow.
  • A comeback by Lil Bow Wow.
  • More prank wars.
  • More donations to the Help a Sista Out Foundation (all proceeds go to me, I accept cash, PayPal, your parents' credit cards, diamonds, or candy canes). 
  • Less pictures where I think it's cute to do this: *

After all, the world is ending THIS YEAR and I don't think these things are too much to ask.  Happy 2012 errybody!

*Apologies that I only put pictures of myself in this post and that all I talk about is glitter and high heels.  It's safe to say, I've been on my white-girl-game this week.