Wednesday, January 25, 2012

7 Habits of Highly Effective White Girls

As I've stated numerous times before, it is not easy living as a white person in the first world.  I'm not even saying that because it's popular nowadays to joke about how facets of both of things apply to your life, I'm saying it because it's true.  My life is difficult.  Seriously.

Anyways, this post is like that book my mom got me awhile ago, "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People."  I never read it but I think I get the basic premise and I've adapted it to fit what I assume to be my audience so that you, too, don't have to waste your precious time reading that boring piece of crap.  Adopt these 7 habits of highly effective white girls today!  (And as always donations to the Help a Sista Out Foundation are welcome.)

Have a Gay Best Friend
It's no secret that white girls and gay men make for great friendships, funny stereotypes, and a dang good time.  They possess many similar interests such as Nikki Minaj, sexually-charged (but-totally-okay-because-he's-gay) dancing, well-dressed men, and glitter.  Friendships between these 2 lovable types of people are essentially matches made in heaven (though I have a small inkling that the obsession biddies have for gay men is not reciprocated to quite the same degree).  The point is, white girls need gay best friends to give them that loving bitch-slap-talk about staying "sasha fierce"when they get too wasted and start crying at the club.

Adopt Healthy Eating Habits
White girls are usually super diligent about their diets that consist of salads and granola bars and cups of yogurt with fresh berries on top.  But every once in a while a white girl must break from her Special K and dried apricot cuisine and go on a rampage.  It could be after a night of heavy drinking when she orders a whole pizza for herself, or it could be while she is PMS-ing and buys a 5-pound bag of bulk candy at the grocery store to satisfy her cravings.  Whatever her vice is, she has to talk about how bad she felt about it for at least a week after digestion of the junk food in question.

I cannot stress this enough.  Of the things that white girls say, 100% of those things are complaints.  She's always cold, her favorite lipstick is being discontinued next year, her windshield wipers are acting "ghetto," her boyfriend said Katherine Heigl was pretty, her boyfriend said he didn't like Katherine Heigl, blah-dy blah BLAH.  All they do is bitch bitch bitch no matter what.

Be a Good Friend
As a white girl, being a good friend consists of only 2 elements: occasionally asking your friends to go to the Cheesecake Factory and listening to them bitch.  Not the best listener?  It's okay, give them advice.  It matters not what the advice is.  It can be anything, ranging from what type of conditioner is best for your specific type of hair to how you dealt with your ex-boyfriend.  The only requirement is that it be totally irrelevant to your friend's problem and that it refocus the conversation on you.

Work Hard in School
This can be done by owning a pair of low-prescription eyeglasses worn at the library (especially cute when paired with yoga pants), acquiring a coffee addiction/claiming to have acquired a coffee addiction, buying colored pens, and then tweeting about how you are going to "die at the libraryyyyy."

Dress to Impress
For this you will need a few wardrobe essentials, like a pencil skirt, a pair of American Eagle jeans, and a pair of TOMS (make sure you bought them solely for the brand though).  Beauty products are equally important, specifically a hair straightener and some zit cream your boyfriend must never know you own.

Have a Few Token White Girl Experiences
Have a sweet sixteen birthday party, get your Red Cross babysitting certificate, have weekly girls' nights to watch Pretty Little Liars, join a sorority and make out with one of the sisters, or marry a prince.

And that's pretty much how it's done!  Happy hump day!