- Don’t put your phone in your back pocket. If you’re a biddie like me and wear tight jeans, it WILL fall into the toilet when you stand up. Fishing around in your own pee isn’t fun (but I ain’t above it). This is why I will never have an iPhone (also it's really hard to go off the grid if you have an iPhone and I always like to keep that as an option).
- You know all that free stuff they give you in your dorm room when you move in? Hide it, immediately. Nothing marks you as a freshman like a free lanyard bouncing around your neck.
- By a similar and somewhat contradictory token, never deny anything free that you’re being offered (unless it’s a drink that’s been roofied). Even if you don’t need it, it’s free, so take it. Also, toilet paper is really expensive so if you're ever in a position to steal it, don't hesitate.
- If you are out at a party and you see someone you recognize from one of your classes but have not really spoken to before, it may seem like a good idea to introduce yourself and make some awkward “I’m such a creep but you’re in my 210 class (giggle giggle giggle)” comment. From my observations, how good of an idea this is seems to directly correlate with how, um, "influenced" you are, but you should know that it’s never a good idea. You’ll see the person in class on Monday, and not sure if he remembers you and vice versa, you will sit across from him all semester never acknowledging the moment you were best friends.
- If you’re getting hit on by a guy who is weird/old/really nice but your stars just aren’t aligned, give him a fake number; it’s easy, just change the last digit of your real number. If you’re SUPER hot and hang out in really creepy places, it might even behoove you to create an alter-ego (for example if I was super hot and hung out in really creepy places, I would introduce myself as Ruby Oliver, an ex-model for the esteemed French cigarette company La Fumée…yeah I might do this anyway).
- The best way to deal with roommate problems is to be passive-aggressive. Slamming doors and turning up the air conditioning are fool-proof methods that get your point across 60% of the time all the time.
But the number one truth I've discovered about college is from a saying my mom likes to tell me when I call her with my problems so she can get off the phone with me: "Well Sallie, you learn a lot of lessons in college, and some of them are in the classroom. *Click*"