Sunday, January 22, 2012

Theoretically Speaking

Although I’m nary 21 years old, I like to think I’m pretty wise. I’ve gone abroad, broken bones, and once in elementary school I got to hold a chinchilla, all signs that I’ve lived a pretty full life for being so young. Through these experiences I’ve accrued several pieces of wisdom that I hope to someday compile into an Oprah’s Book Club-certified book sold only in hardcover (even if by the time this happens books are only sold electronically and Oprah, god forbid, is no longer with us). Anyway, here are some theories I’ve tested and sort of approved. 
  • Never say Waffle House or any other fast food restaurant after midnight. You WILL have to have it, and you will do potentially dangerous things to get it. The things I’ve done for a Cookout tray are kind of embarrassing (but the cheeseburger, chicken wraps, hushpuppies, and Reeces Pieces milkshake all for $5 was totally worth it). 
  • And the next thing you know there's a $22 charge to Waffle House on your debit card.
  • If you’re trying to win free food for the rest of your life a good idea is to product-plug them into uh, say, your blog. (this one has not been confirmed as of publishing)
  • Yo but seriously go there because I freaking love it.
  • Don’t do too many sit-ups because six packs on women are kind of freaky.
  • If you convince yourself six packs on women are freaky you don't have to do as many sit-ups.
  • If you are planning a camping trip, it will rain, snow, and also hail that weekend, and then resume a balmy 80 degree median temperature on Monday. No matter what time of year.
  • When you get pregnant you can do whatever you want. Although I have an aversion to pregnancy rooted in my inability to ever be mature about anything, a little part of me is excited about it. You can have really weird cravings (which I do normally I just have to keep to myself), start crying and not have a reason for it (which I do normally and just have to keep to myself), rest your plate of food on your belly, stop having to lift things, stop having to cook things, stop going to work, stop not being moody, start wearing overalls, the list goes on. So you need to live it up. Never again will you be able to get away with these things, but when you’re pregnant everybody is too excited for you to think twice about why they are sitting at a Sonic buying you two orders of mozzarella sticks with a side of tuna salad while you stay at home and watch The Real World (you just found out how I'm going to be when I'm pregnant).
  • I'm just saying I bet B was one sassy pregnant lady.
  • Never be friends with someone you can’t imagine yourself having a prank war with. Pranks with no retaliation are anti-fun. 
  • Do whatever it takes to get your significant other’s family to like you. If you’re a vegetarian and they’re having hamburgers, eat 3 of them. If your future father-in-law is obsessed with his collection of toy trains then by god you better act like you love toy trains (but not as much as his daughter). 
  • When people say “that’s so funny” without laughing, what you just said is not funny. I do this when I am not willing to put forth the effort to even fake laugh (which is saying a lot because laughing is my default reaction for literally everything…I will giggle at ANYTHING) and I am sure that the person I’m with is too stupid or self-absorbed to notice that it’s not actually funny.
  • Buuuut here is something that is actually funny.
Also just so you know I copyrighted all of these so don't even think about trying to make moves on that book idea.  Have a great week you little buttercups!