Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Which Disney Princess Are You? Hopefully None.

Little boys have G.I. Joes and Legos, and little girls have dolls and Polly Pockets.  This is the way it has been since the beginning of time (a.k.a. the mid-80s) and even though the days of Barbie Dream Houses and Beanie Baby collections are long gone, girls still love to analyze which Spice Girl they are...but even more than that, which Disney Princess they are.  

Although which princess you are is largely based on what hair color you possess, there's more to a princess than her looks.  Here's what I determined from an in-depth psychoanalysis I conducted while taking this online quiz in an effort to determine whether I myself am more of a Belle or an Aurora. 

Ariel is your classic fiery redhead.  She's suffering from Angsty Teen Syndrome and is mad because her prude sisters steal her limelight so she rebels against her jacked-up dad in any way she can, mostly by dressing like a skank (seriously she's wearing a seashell bra).  Her only friends are a flounder and a crustacean who is inexplicably French, and I believe it's this loneliness that pushes her to become a stalker.  However, she does have really nice hair.

Damn girl.

Speaking of sluts with really nice hair, at any given time this hoe is prancing around half-naked with a braid roughly the same size as her body.  However, she has way more street cred than Ariel a) because she can actually walk and b) because she has a pet tiger (and everyone knows behind every great princess is an exotic, personable animal serving as comic relief).  Jazzy F Baby knows how to work her up-do and be feminine-chic but she also gets what she wants.  

Master of the sultry smirk...take note, ladies.

Mulan is a bad-ass bitch, and a cross-dresser.  We can all relate to being suppressed by strict Asian parents, but Mulan finds a way to deal with the pressure, mainly by lighting a lady on fire and then escaping into the night on an oddly vocal horse.

If you don't get chills during this part you're either a robot or an alien is inhabiting your body.

What a nutcase.  Oedipean daddy issues and bestial sexual desires aside though, she seems like a real sweetheart.  She's also no dummy: she realizes Gaston is a serial killer and totally the wrong zodiac sign for her, waits out her sentence, and ends up being a rich bitch with a hunky boyfriend and is revered as a hero amongst the castle's appliances.  Talk about a win-win-win!

...Jesus lady, SNAP OUT OF IT.  I know sleeping pills are addictive and everything but lay off the Lunesta.  Other things that make me question her sobriety: the part when it's ever a good idea to follow a glowing green light with a sinister voice, and when woodland creatures become easily mistakable for a hot dude.  At least her drug addiction and great voice will give her an in with the celebrities.  

Home-schooled kids are always a little off...

I don't know what it says about Disney princesses that their only confidants are small animals, but at least Cinderella's mice have some marketable skills, like speed-sewing and outsmarting cats.  They're probably the best influence her lazy butt ever had.  Just kidding, I'm sure Cindy was a hard-working lass, but she needs to get off her knees and stand up for herself!  But of course, credit where credit is due: not every geek on the street can work glass slippers; too bad she got wasted at the ball and left one (seriously would 3 seconds past curfew have REALLY mattered?  Those things were expensive I bet!).

Classic biddie...so ahead of the sparkle trend!

Po-co is another little rebel.  I didn't really see the problem with Kocoum -- he seemed loyal and nice enough (despite somewhat aggressive tendencies), not to mention totally ripped -- but no, she just HAD to go fooling around with pasty old John Smith who, may I point out, didn't speak her language and had no respect for Grandmother Willow.  Oh well, at least she had Meeko (a.k.a. Voice of Reason/the real star) and a sweet arm tat.

All I'm saying is that they would have made beautiful babies. 
What a jokester.

Snow White
Talk about a space cadet.  Was she absent the day kids learned not to take treats from strangers, especially ones with face warts and uncontrollable manic laughing fits?  And aren't there some sort of zoning laws about young ladies living with 7 fun-sized men with unstable jobs?  Did her parents sell her into some sort of weird sex trade?  Because I'm sure there are lawyers out there who specialize in that kind of thing.  I'm just concerned, that's all.

No red flags?  None?  AT ALL?

If I haven't made it glaringly clear, the point is that even princesses have their own set of issues, and also I'm still jealous I am not one and am looking into the possibility of becoming a princess in Disney World.  Living out what I was really meant to be would totally outweigh having to take pictures with grimy kids all day long.

So, which Disney Princess are you??

1 comment:

  1. Well, this definitely made it a whole lot easier to narrow it down to me being either Ariel or Belle.