Friday, February 3, 2012

Annoying People Friday: Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

Do you ever wonder if your ex-boyfriends look back on the time they dated you and cringe a little, asking themselves what the hell they were thinking?  I don't, because I'm perfect and my ex-boyfriends are filled with nothing but regret over having lost me, but that is definitely the sentiment I have when thinking back on the men, nay, boys, I've dated.  People say you learn something from everyone you date and this is undoubtedly true.  Mostly I've learned that if you wait long enough, you will find your own Peeta Mellark, and also that I made very poor decisions in high school (including but not limited to my first through fourth boyfriends and my Ashlee-Simpson-inspired haircut).

Who can blame 15-year-old me for wanting this??  They were the ultimate power couple and I will stand by that until I die.  I have both of their albums so if you want me to burn them for you...I won't because you should buy it and support them as artists.

The Asshole
We've all dated an asshole.  If you haven't, you will.  This is partially because all guys are assholes, and partially because throughout our evolution females developed a neurological attraction to douchebags.  It can't even be chalked up to a "bad boy" type of thing, because usually the asshole isn't a badass.  He's just an asshole.  All his compliments are 2-sided ("You DO have some muscle underneath that batwing!" or "Those jeans are really tight on you, they look good" both of which are examples of him calling you fat, indirectly).  If you are even slightly irrational like myself, STAY AWAY because those 2 personality types combined leads to disaster.

The Sensitive One
God help you should you ever have a messy break up with THIS one.  You'll never hear the end of it.  Now I like wearing the pants in a relationship just as much as the next crazy feminazi but enough is enough.  Guys, you need to understand that unless we've been married for 4 years I do not ever want to see you cry.  Sensitive guys may seem cute because they write songs for you on guitar but don't be fooled; if I wanted to talk about feelings and emotions for 3 hours a day I would be a lesbian.

The Gay One
It's not hard to convince yourself of things you want to be true, like that it's okay to eat 3 Crunchwrap Supremes because you're on your period or that the guy you're dating isn't gay.  But make no mistake, that boy likes boys, and your friends are only agreeing with you out of pity.  Sadly, these are probably the most successful relationships because you have the most in common.  Best-case scenario: you end up being best friends.  Worst-case scenario: you live with the reality that you are such a ball-buster that you led a nice man away from women for the rest of his life.  Oh well, probably for the best.  Chicks, am I right??

The Control Freak
I've never personally dated any control freaks but I've watched many of my friends fall into this trap and this is why I hate control freaks the most.  Control freaks seem nice at first because they clean up your dishes and get to know your friends but be warned: they are trying to learn every aspect of your life so that they can control you.  Eventually they start telling you who you can hang out with and will probably try to turn you against all your friends because they are crazy and manipulative.

[RANT ALERT] The problem with girls these days is that they have such low self-confidence they start liking a guy for the sole reason that he shows interest.  Ladies, DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.  Don't like a guy just because he likes you.  When I asked my friend Hannah if she was Team Peeta or Team Gale (sorry if you haven't read "Hunger Games" but seriously what are you doing with your life?) she said that she was neither, she was Team Katniss because "she don't need no man."  Despite the mistakes you may have made in the dating arena (I am just on a roll with these HG references!), don't regret them, move on, release your inner-Katniss and go get what you deserve!  Yeah!!

Number one badass.