Tutorial Tuesday: How to Make Your Girlfriend Un-Mad at You

Hey boiz!  Since you inevitably got your little cupcake of a girlfriend the totally wrong Valentine's Day gift, you're now approaching the one-week anniversary of her being royally pissed at you.  Never you fret, I'm here to help.  Being the queen of crazy girlfriends, I spent a lot of time as a young woman getting mad at boys then daydreaming about how they should make it up to me (read: will make it up to me...if they know what's good for them).

If you're like every other unsuspecting male out there you probably have no idea why she's mad in the first place.  If you do, great, but you're only scratching the tip of the crazy-iceberg.  A good place to start is your phone, Nancy Drew.  Did you forget to text her back?  Are there any texts that could be considered even slightly incriminating that she may have seen (e.g. texting your ex, texting your friend that you can't hang out because you have date night, texting your girlfriend's friend)?  If you firmly believe you're in the clear after retracing all your conversations scouring them for things that might have warranted the silent treatment, you can go to her but be wary.

First you need to put your pride back in your pants and approach her with your tail between your legs.  Girls love to be in charge and if you bow down to her from the get-go there is still a chance it'll be over soon.  It's like ripping off a band-aid, or telling your mom you're sorry: even though you don't want to just do it to get it over with.  Bringing a peace offering will also put a few points up on your scoreboard; something along the lines of chocolate, or Chipotle, or chocolate.

Do take appropriate measures to assure her that you don't think she's fat and that that's not why you got her chocolate.

Secondly, it's VERY IMPORTANT you determine what you did wrong.  Any doucher can come up with a vague yet sincere apology but the risk is much greater than the reward here for two reasons:

1. If you misspeak at all you'll blow your cover (for example apologizing for something you said when it was something you didn't say, or worse, a look you gave another girl).
2. You'll never know what you did, and the chances of you doing it again are about 100%.

It's best to apologize and then suavely ask what you can do better next time whilst kissing her temple.  It helps if you are a good liar, or a wordsmith.  Another word of advice: your chances of getting her un-mad at you are much higher if you maintain cute physical contact throughout the conversation (note: do not try this if she is visibly irate and violent).

Girls go nuts for this stuff.

This guy has probably successfully facilitated this strategy for 50 years.  It's fool-proof.

Once she is not shooting daggers at you with her eyes, it might behoove you to do something romantic for her.  This gesture must be done within 24 hours of your apology being accepted, be it watching 10 Things I Hate About You, decorating her room with rose petals, or treating her to a nice steak dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

I'll be the first to admit that there are some things she'll get mad at that are just utterly random and unpredictable.  A lot of it depends on the time of the month, or if she got her favorite elliptical at the gym that day.  The good news is that there are preventive measures you can take to get some extra boyfriend points.

• Willingly partipate in a "photoshoot" with her.  Biddies love having annoying kissy pictures with their boyfriends to put on Facebook as a message to other girls about how much better a couple they make than everyone.  
• Text her daily.  Throwing in words like "beautiful" and "gorgeous" and "rational" never hurt.  
• Look up lyrics of obscure emo bands and then repeat them to her in intimate moments.  Make sure they are unknown so that she has never heard of them.
• Follow @crazyGFprobz on Twitter.  It will help you accurately depict when your beloved is going to get mad at you and what kinds of things she expects.  (Contrary to popular belief I do not run this account.)

Basically, just don't be a dummy and pick up on hints.  If she says she's fine she's not.  If she says she's not busy that means you need to hang out with her.  If she sends you a text with 2 periods instead of a 3 periods it means she's pissed.  You know, the obvious stuff.  Good luck (you'll need it)!