Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Truth About Valentine's Day

I am so sick of people complaining about how they don't know what to get their significant other for Valentine's Day.  It's like the minute they hear "Cupid" they go stupid and forget everything that the person they spend 90% of the day thinking about likes.  BS.  Look around people!  They don't say Valentine's Day is a money-making holiday for no reason.  There are advertisements waiting to barrage your senses at every twist and turn and while for single people this may seem like the advertising industry is taking a big old dump on them, for those that are betrothed it is a blessing.

There are two well-kept secrets about girls: the first is that they are nastier than guys by a landslide (nary 10 minutes ago I picked 5 hairballs off our living room carpet) and the second is that the way to their hearts is ABSOLUTELY through food.  Girls only want stuffed animals and chocolate.  Girls who say they don't are full of poop and don't deserve a pink elephant with a heart on it's butt anyway (but I do so send 'em my way). Walk into any grocery store right now and the first thing you see is a huge stack of baked goodies and chocolates and flowers that look like Cupid just threw up.  BUY ALL OF THEM.

Why yes I would enjoy devouring every single one of the 17,000 calories in this display.

Restaurants are full of great deals this time of year (primarily so they can use corny slogans like Outback's "Take Your Mate on a Date" crap...personally I think they should have gone with a "down under" theme, but hey, romance and stuff) so there is no excuse for you not to pay for her dinner.  Don't ask how I know this but Golden Corral does a chocolate dipping fountain just for the Day of Love, and even Waffle House is doing it big:

If you want a night in, order a Papa John's heart-shaped pizza:

But there are 2 gender-specific gift-giving secrets.

Boys: It's not about what you give your girlfriend, it's HOW you give it to her.  One year I got a box of chocolates that until now I thought was the best thing ever, but now thinking back on it the only reason it was so great is because there was  TREASURE HUNT to find it.  You could get her a box of tampons but if you wrap it in glitter paper and give it to her while you sing "Dancing in the Moonlight" it'll be the equivalent to giving her not 1 but 10 Tiffany's rings.  Note that the stupider the girl the easier it is to pull this off because she is easier to trick.  

Girls: There are few instances in life when I insist it's better to be a girl (the most useful being when you can get out of the mile-run in middle school P.E. because you're on your period).  Girls are naturally better gift-givers.  Think back on an inside joke only the two of you share, or make him dinner (read: buy a rotisserie chicken from Food Lion and put that shit on a silver platter).  Or, go through his emails and texts to figure out what he likes/dislikes (read: figure out if he talks to any other girls besides you and his mom).  If you are really nervous about the trade, mention off-handedly that you hate Valentine's Day and that he really doesn't need to get you anything so he will be totally unprepared and your gift will trump his (remember, everything in life is a competition).  Note that the stupider the boy is the easier it is to pull this off because he is easier to trick.

If you are still stumped, I've heard that gifts "from the heart" work too, like a construction paper heart with a Winnie the Pooh quote on it, which is what I have given my mom every consecutive year since kindergarten.

Happy Valentine's Day!!