Monday, February 6, 2012

Takin' Dumps and Writing Down Names

I could talk about my poop all day long, partially because I think the word poop is funny and partially because I am too comfortable in my own body and disregard other people's willingness to let me talk at them.

Firstly let me say that there is nothing funnier than pooping.  I kid you not, I just had a half-hour conversation about pooping with my roommates.  The only thing I don't like is when people don't know bathroom etiquette.  I know what you're thinking: that it's ironic I would get weird about manners when I just spilled my guts about, well, spilling my guts, but it's an interesting social phenomenon (just like how people try to be overly normal on elevators and why it's okay to say "I like kids" but not "I like 12-year-olds").

To avoid confusion I've mapped out several key pointers you should use when taking care of business.

  • Don't say things like "dropping the kids off at the pool" or "going number two."  A simple "I gotta take a shit" will do just fine and make you sound less like my kindergarten teacher.  Also, it's not cute to have signs in your bathroom about tinkling and sprinkling, or to ask your friends if they need to go potty before you leave the house.
  • No.
  • Don't poop at someone else's house.  It's not okay and it never will be so keep that shit on lock, literally.
  • Don't poop in public unless you're literally exploding on the way to the bathroom.  Basically, its a judgment call: is it more considerate to wait or not wait and smell like shit for the rest of the day?  
  • I don't understand why every time I'm in a public bathroom with multiple empty stalls some pro-creeper comes in and goes into the stall RIGHT NEXT TO MINE.  I'm pretty weird about people hearing me pee and if I know your ear is [unnecessarily!] mere feet away from my bladder I get stage fright, leading to kidney stones, leading to death.
  • If I use the bathroom right after you and you haven't lit a candle, I get to tell everyone in the house about the massive dump you just took.  Light the candle and we're straight. 
  • I don't understand why there are ever times when I have to walk into a public restroom and see someone's leftovers.  I don't know what the logic is behind not flushing other than being lazy or having a twisted sense of humor but it is not appreciated.
Lastly, if you ever get the chance to poop in the woods do it because it's the most liberating feeling ever.

Happy Monday!