Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Which Disney Princess Are You? Hopefully None.

Little boys have G.I. Joes and Legos, and little girls have dolls and Polly Pockets.  This is the way it has been since the beginning of time (a.k.a. the mid-80s) and even though the days of Barbie Dream Houses and Beanie Baby collections are long gone, girls still love to analyze which Spice Girl they are...but even more than that, which Disney Princess they are.  

Although which princess you are is largely based on what hair color you possess, there's more to a princess than her looks.  Here's what I determined from an in-depth psychoanalysis I conducted while taking this online quiz in an effort to determine whether I myself am more of a Belle or an Aurora. 

Ariel is your classic fiery redhead.  She's suffering from Angsty Teen Syndrome and is mad because her prude sisters steal her limelight so she rebels against her jacked-up dad in any way she can, mostly by dressing like a skank (seriously she's wearing a seashell bra).  Her only friends are a flounder and a crustacean who is inexplicably French, and I believe it's this loneliness that pushes her to become a stalker.  However, she does have really nice hair.

Damn girl.

Speaking of sluts with really nice hair, at any given time this hoe is prancing around half-naked with a braid roughly the same size as her body.  However, she has way more street cred than Ariel a) because she can actually walk and b) because she has a pet tiger (and everyone knows behind every great princess is an exotic, personable animal serving as comic relief).  Jazzy F Baby knows how to work her up-do and be feminine-chic but she also gets what she wants.  

Master of the sultry smirk...take note, ladies.

Mulan is a bad-ass bitch, and a cross-dresser.  We can all relate to being suppressed by strict Asian parents, but Mulan finds a way to deal with the pressure, mainly by lighting a lady on fire and then escaping into the night on an oddly vocal horse.

If you don't get chills during this part you're either a robot or an alien is inhabiting your body.

What a nutcase.  Oedipean daddy issues and bestial sexual desires aside though, she seems like a real sweetheart.  She's also no dummy: she realizes Gaston is a serial killer and totally the wrong zodiac sign for her, waits out her sentence, and ends up being a rich bitch with a hunky boyfriend and is revered as a hero amongst the castle's appliances.  Talk about a win-win-win!

...Jesus lady, SNAP OUT OF IT.  I know sleeping pills are addictive and everything but lay off the Lunesta.  Other things that make me question her sobriety: the part when it's ever a good idea to follow a glowing green light with a sinister voice, and when woodland creatures become easily mistakable for a hot dude.  At least her drug addiction and great voice will give her an in with the celebrities.  

Home-schooled kids are always a little off...

I don't know what it says about Disney princesses that their only confidants are small animals, but at least Cinderella's mice have some marketable skills, like speed-sewing and outsmarting cats.  They're probably the best influence her lazy butt ever had.  Just kidding, I'm sure Cindy was a hard-working lass, but she needs to get off her knees and stand up for herself!  But of course, credit where credit is due: not every geek on the street can work glass slippers; too bad she got wasted at the ball and left one (seriously would 3 seconds past curfew have REALLY mattered?  Those things were expensive I bet!).

Classic biddie...so ahead of the sparkle trend!

Po-co is another little rebel.  I didn't really see the problem with Kocoum -- he seemed loyal and nice enough (despite somewhat aggressive tendencies), not to mention totally ripped -- but no, she just HAD to go fooling around with pasty old John Smith who, may I point out, didn't speak her language and had no respect for Grandmother Willow.  Oh well, at least she had Meeko (a.k.a. Voice of Reason/the real star) and a sweet arm tat.

All I'm saying is that they would have made beautiful babies. 
What a jokester.

Snow White
Talk about a space cadet.  Was she absent the day kids learned not to take treats from strangers, especially ones with face warts and uncontrollable manic laughing fits?  And aren't there some sort of zoning laws about young ladies living with 7 fun-sized men with unstable jobs?  Did her parents sell her into some sort of weird sex trade?  Because I'm sure there are lawyers out there who specialize in that kind of thing.  I'm just concerned, that's all.

No red flags?  None?  AT ALL?

If I haven't made it glaringly clear, the point is that even princesses have their own set of issues, and also I'm still jealous I am not one and am looking into the possibility of becoming a princess in Disney World.  Living out what I was really meant to be would totally outweigh having to take pictures with grimy kids all day long.

So, which Disney Princess are you??

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Tutorial Tuesday: How to Make Your Girlfriend Un-Mad at You

Hey boiz!  Since you inevitably got your little cupcake of a girlfriend the totally wrong Valentine's Day gift, you're now approaching the one-week anniversary of her being royally pissed at you.  Never you fret, I'm here to help.  Being the queen of crazy girlfriends, I spent a lot of time as a young woman getting mad at boys then daydreaming about how they should make it up to me (read: will make it up to me...if they know what's good for them).

If you're like every other unsuspecting male out there you probably have no idea why she's mad in the first place.  If you do, great, but you're only scratching the tip of the crazy-iceberg.  A good place to start is your phone, Nancy Drew.  Did you forget to text her back?  Are there any texts that could be considered even slightly incriminating that she may have seen (e.g. texting your ex, texting your friend that you can't hang out because you have date night, texting your girlfriend's friend)?  If you firmly believe you're in the clear after retracing all your conversations scouring them for things that might have warranted the silent treatment, you can go to her but be wary.

First you need to put your pride back in your pants and approach her with your tail between your legs.  Girls love to be in charge and if you bow down to her from the get-go there is still a chance it'll be over soon.  It's like ripping off a band-aid, or telling your mom you're sorry: even though you don't want to just do it to get it over with.  Bringing a peace offering will also put a few points up on your scoreboard; something along the lines of chocolate, or Chipotle, or chocolate.

Do take appropriate measures to assure her that you don't think she's fat and that that's not why you got her chocolate.
Secondly, it's VERY IMPORTANT you determine what you did wrong.  Any doucher can come up with a vague yet sincere apology but the risk is much greater than the reward here for two reasons:

  1. If you misspeak at all you'll blow your cover (for example apologizing for something you said when it was something you didn't say, or worse, a look you gave another girl).
  2. You'll never know what you did, and the chances of you doing it again are about 100%.
It's best to apologize and then suavely ask what you can do better next time whilst kissing her temple.  It helps if you are a good liar, or a wordsmith.  Another word of advice: your chances of getting her un-mad at you are much higher if you maintain cute physical contact throughout the conversation (note: do not try this if she is visibly irate and violent).

Girls go nuts for this stuff.
This guy has probably successfully facilitated this strategy for 50 years.  It's fool-proof.

Once she is not shooting daggers at you with her eyes, it might behoove you to do something romantic for her.  This gesture must be done within 24 hours of your apology being accepted, be it watching 10 Things I Hate About You, decorating her room with rose petals, or treating her to a nice steak dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

I'll be the first to admit that there are some things she'll get mad at that are just utterly random and unpredictable.  A lot of it depends on the time of the month, or if she got her favorite elliptical at the gym that day.  The good news is that there are preventive measures you can take to get some extra boyfriend points.
  • Willingly partipate in a "photoshoot" with her.  Biddies love having annoying kissy pictures with their boyfriends to put on Facebook as a message to other girls about how much better a couple they make than everyone.  
  • Text her daily.  Throwing in words like "beautiful" and "gorgeous" and "rational" never hurt.  
  • Look up lyrics of obscure emo bands and then repeat them to her in intimate moments.  Make sure they are unknown so that she has never heard of them.
  • Follow @crazyGFprobz on Twitter.  It will help you accurately depict when your beloved is going to get mad at you and what kinds of things she expects.  (Contrary to popular belief I do not run this account.)

Basically, just don't be a dummy and pick up on hints.  If she says she's fine she's not.  If she says she's not busy that means you need to hang out with her.  If she sends you a text with 2 periods instead of a 3 periods it means she's pissed.  You know, the obvious stuff.  Good luck (you'll need it)!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Tear Talk: Biddies Don't Cry

I've never really been a crier, and this is mostly because I have no soul.  Some girls will cry over spilled wine, but I just don't really think it's worth it to mess up your mascara.  Really the only times I cry are when I watch "My Dog Skip" or when I have too much of an adrenaline rush while jumping on trampolines.

I started crying looking at this just now.
But I wasn't always the strong emotional rock I am today.  Years of experience as an adolescent have taught me a few valuable lessons about crying. 

First of all -- and this may seem obvious -- always avoid crying in public.  This is slightly for preservation of your own ego but mostly for the comfort of the people around you who invariably have no idea how to act.  If you absolutely cannot push your tears back into their ducts there are 2 strategies you can employ.  First, you can find your nearest friend (or someone who looks like they would go along with being your friend) because the only thing worse than seeing a girl crying is seeing her cry alone.  Just last week a girl walked past me on the sidewalk just flat out crying.  Not on the phone, not pretending to be on the phone, just bawling, by herself.  Snot and everything.  Second, you can pretend to be engrossed in your book, or your iPod, or your hand.  This method only works when sitting, with best results if you have long hair you can push in front of your face, creating a type of force-field.  (This is the same strategy I use for sleeping in class.)

There are a few things you should NEVER do when crying.  If I'm crying, I want to get it out of my system; it's raw and unattractive and kind of horrifying.  There is probably more snot leaving my body than actual tears, and I am loud -- none of that dainty sniffling-into-embroidered-handkerchief crap.  That being said, I want to wallow.  This is why you should never cry in the shower.  Because your whole face is wet, it doesn't allow you to tell how much you are actually crying (and proportionally how pathetic and deserving of pity you are).  Crying in the shower is just not satisfying.  However, crying in the mirror is the opposite, because you can see exactly how painful your life is and ultimately feel worse but then infinitely better.

I also really enjoy crying in the car, because it clouds my vision and makes me feel like I'm living dangerously.  Just kidding.  In any case, just as with singing in the car, you need to lock it up when you are paused at a stop light.  One of the worst experiences of my life was looking over and seeing a girl weeping at the wheel with no way to comfort her (not that I would have comforted her under any other circumstances).  

Lastly ladies, don't spend your money on any makeup that advertises being able to magically de-puff your eyes.  Once you cry you might as well just call it a day because there's no covering that up.  It's just like when you only pretended to kiss Brian during Seven Minutes of Heaven in 8th grade...everyone knows the truth and they'll make fun of you behind your back later, so just accept that you're a pussy and move on.

Remember, bottling up your emotions is the best way to deal with them.  Have a tear-free week!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Grocery Store Blues

I love grocery shopping.  It wasn't always this way: I used to pitch a fit when my mother would take me grocery shopping, only to be consoled by a box of Barnum's animal crackers.  But now!  Now it's like I'm finally fulfilling my destiny as a stay-at-home soccer mom.  Some people have goals for this semester like making good grades or joining a club; mine is to test out every grocery store in my town.  I recently wrote an article for one of my classes about how much I love grocery shopping.  I have pet names for grocery stores.  It's getting repulsive.

Bet you didn't know this is what heaven looks like.

That being said, there are a few things I absolutely HATE buying:
  • Toilet paper.  Seriously, where are the gnomes that steal all my toilet paper hiding?  Luckily, it's one of the easiest things to steal, although sadly my toilet paper holder does not support the industrial-sized rolls I steal from campus.
  • Razor blades.  Don't ever look at the price of razors because it is deceiving.  The real investment is in the blades, which cost $20.  Each.  Maybe.  
  • Weird spices.  Sometimes I get strange cravings.  Scratch that, there's never a time when I'm not craving some sort of food, like tuna salad or banana waffles or sweet-and-sour rice or chicken and dumplings...I digress.  The worst is when I get so excited about a recipe and I get to the store to buy all the ingredients and I realize it calls for some obscure ground cumin-infused long-grained black pepper spice crap that only comes in a liter-sized bottle.  Get real, you're going to use that one time and it will sit in your pantry until you move out of college, at which time you will pack it up and take it with you to every consecutive location you live in afterward.  How do I know?  LOOK AT MY MOM'S SPICE CABINET.
  • Raw meat.  I have a thing against meat, and it's not in the name of ethics or sustainability or animal rights.  It's because I think it's disgusting and I cry when I touch it.  Chicken breasts are slippery and rubbery at the same time, and ground beef is bloody and looks like brains.  Why would I want that when I can eat a box of Cracker Jacks for dinner?
  • Sausage fest.
  • Deodorant.  Here is my only concern: are you or are you not allowed to take the tops off and smell the deodorant? I really want to know because it's an important decision but I'm not sure it's socially acceptable so I do it really sneakily by taking 10 sticks and smelling them at various other aisles, like the cups aisle or the frozen entrees aisle.  Not only does it look weird, it is weird.
  • Things with too many choices.  Peanut butter, toothpaste, tortilla chips, birthday cards.  As you stare at the ceiling-high wall of options it seems overwhelming and unreasonable that there would be that many decisions to make, but be warned.  Whatever you choose is the wrong one, and you will only realize it that night when your tortilla chip is unsalted or your toothpaste is grape-flavored.
But on the other hand, one thing I love buying is feminine products.  Give me a box of tampons and I'll find the most awkward adolescent boy working the cash register.  You get out of that place in record time.

I hope you all find time to go grocery shopping this week!  I know I will...at least 5 times.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Truth About Valentine's Day

I am so sick of people complaining about how they don't know what to get their significant other for Valentine's Day.  It's like the minute they hear "Cupid" they go stupid and forget everything that the person they spend 90% of the day thinking about likes.  BS.  Look around people!  They don't say Valentine's Day is a money-making holiday for no reason.  There are advertisements waiting to barrage your senses at every twist and turn and while for single people this may seem like the advertising industry is taking a big old dump on them, for those that are betrothed it is a blessing.

There are two well-kept secrets about girls: the first is that they are nastier than guys by a landslide (nary 10 minutes ago I picked 5 hairballs off our living room carpet) and the second is that the way to their hearts is ABSOLUTELY through food.  Girls only want stuffed animals and chocolate.  Girls who say they don't are full of poop and don't deserve a pink elephant with a heart on it's butt anyway (but I do so send 'em my way). Walk into any grocery store right now and the first thing you see is a huge stack of baked goodies and chocolates and flowers that look like Cupid just threw up.  BUY ALL OF THEM.

Why yes I would enjoy devouring every single one of the 17,000 calories in this display.

Restaurants are full of great deals this time of year (primarily so they can use corny slogans like Outback's "Take Your Mate on a Date" crap...personally I think they should have gone with a "down under" theme, but hey, romance and stuff) so there is no excuse for you not to pay for her dinner.  Don't ask how I know this but Golden Corral does a chocolate dipping fountain just for the Day of Love, and even Waffle House is doing it big:

If you want a night in, order a Papa John's heart-shaped pizza:

But there are 2 gender-specific gift-giving secrets.

Boys: It's not about what you give your girlfriend, it's HOW you give it to her.  One year I got a box of chocolates that until now I thought was the best thing ever, but now thinking back on it the only reason it was so great is because there was  TREASURE HUNT to find it.  You could get her a box of tampons but if you wrap it in glitter paper and give it to her while you sing "Dancing in the Moonlight" it'll be the equivalent to giving her not 1 but 10 Tiffany's rings.  Note that the stupider the girl the easier it is to pull this off because she is easier to trick.  

Girls: There are few instances in life when I insist it's better to be a girl (the most useful being when you can get out of the mile-run in middle school P.E. because you're on your period).  Girls are naturally better gift-givers.  Think back on an inside joke only the two of you share, or make him dinner (read: buy a rotisserie chicken from Food Lion and put that shit on a silver platter).  Or, go through his emails and texts to figure out what he likes/dislikes (read: figure out if he talks to any other girls besides you and his mom).  If you are really nervous about the trade, mention off-handedly that you hate Valentine's Day and that he really doesn't need to get you anything so he will be totally unprepared and your gift will trump his (remember, everything in life is a competition).  Note that the stupider the boy is the easier it is to pull this off because he is easier to trick.

If you are still stumped, I've heard that gifts "from the heart" work too, like a construction paper heart with a Winnie the Pooh quote on it, which is what I have given my mom every consecutive year since kindergarten.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Testing, Testing, 1-2-3

You know those weeks you go into knowing it's going to suck? Starting on Monday I knew it was one of those and true to form it just kept getting worse. I had exams in my 2 hardest classes --Italian and Mass Communication Law-- today (Thursday) and because I'm an enormous nerd they were all I could think about all week. I couldn't take my mind off them; none of my go-to distractions were working: online shopping, Krispy Kremes, even an innocent nap turned into a fitful half-hour of stress-dreaming about suffocating in the library after being buried alive by a falling wall of media law textbooks.

Unfortunately for me I'm currently suffering from a head-cold and a severe lack of motivation. I also have an uncanny hatred for my Italian professor because she speaks in Italian (have I ever mentioned I am irrational?). I don't think I can express how much I didn't study for this test. People spend more time reading a stop sign than I spent reading my notes. When I turned in the test I scurried out of the room before my professor could realize only half of the answers were filled out. Also, I had announced loudly before class started that I was a "good guesser" and that I cared about my next test "ten times more than this test." So in addition to being irrational, I make great decisions and tend to really get along with people in positions of authority.

So I went to my next test and felt pretty good about it, until I was walking down the hallway and approached a group of my classmates talking about how they answered some of the more befuddling questions. I guess I'm the only person on this campus that doesn't want to know all the questions I got wrong mere seconds after I turn a test in but I don't understand what other people's obsession with it is. When I finish a test I want to say "see ya never" and forget all about it until I see the final grade.

Also, my car is going to explode at any given moment, adding to the shit-pit that is my life right now. But the tests are over with and I survived so I'm just going to put on "You are the Best Thing" by Ray LaMontagne and buy a dress with a whole bunch of sequins to console myself.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Takin' Dumps and Writing Down Names

I could talk about my poop all day long, partially because I think the word poop is funny and partially because I am too comfortable in my own body and disregard other people's willingness to let me talk at them.

Firstly let me say that there is nothing funnier than pooping.  I kid you not, I just had a half-hour conversation about pooping with my roommates.  The only thing I don't like is when people don't know bathroom etiquette.  I know what you're thinking: that it's ironic I would get weird about manners when I just spilled my guts about, well, spilling my guts, but it's an interesting social phenomenon (just like how people try to be overly normal on elevators and why it's okay to say "I like kids" but not "I like 12-year-olds").

To avoid confusion I've mapped out several key pointers you should use when taking care of business.

  • Don't say things like "dropping the kids off at the pool" or "going number two."  A simple "I gotta take a shit" will do just fine and make you sound less like my kindergarten teacher.  Also, it's not cute to have signs in your bathroom about tinkling and sprinkling, or to ask your friends if they need to go potty before you leave the house.
  • No.
  • Don't poop at someone else's house.  It's not okay and it never will be so keep that shit on lock, literally.
  • Don't poop in public unless you're literally exploding on the way to the bathroom.  Basically, its a judgment call: is it more considerate to wait or not wait and smell like shit for the rest of the day?  
  • I don't understand why every time I'm in a public bathroom with multiple empty stalls some pro-creeper comes in and goes into the stall RIGHT NEXT TO MINE.  I'm pretty weird about people hearing me pee and if I know your ear is [unnecessarily!] mere feet away from my bladder I get stage fright, leading to kidney stones, leading to death.
  • If I use the bathroom right after you and you haven't lit a candle, I get to tell everyone in the house about the massive dump you just took.  Light the candle and we're straight. 
  • I don't understand why there are ever times when I have to walk into a public restroom and see someone's leftovers.  I don't know what the logic is behind not flushing other than being lazy or having a twisted sense of humor but it is not appreciated.
Lastly, if you ever get the chance to poop in the woods do it because it's the most liberating feeling ever.

Happy Monday!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Annoying People Friday: Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

Do you ever wonder if your ex-boyfriends look back on the time they dated you and cringe a little, asking themselves what the hell they were thinking?  I don't, because I'm perfect and my ex-boyfriends are filled with nothing but regret over having lost me, but that is definitely the sentiment I have when thinking back on the men, nay, boys, I've dated.  People say you learn something from everyone you date and this is undoubtedly true.  Mostly I've learned that if you wait long enough, you will find your own Peeta Mellark, and also that I made very poor decisions in high school (including but not limited to my first through fourth boyfriends and my Ashlee-Simpson-inspired haircut).

Who can blame 15-year-old me for wanting this??  They were the ultimate power couple and I will stand by that until I die.  I have both of their albums so if you want me to burn them for you...I won't because you should buy it and support them as artists.

The Asshole
We've all dated an asshole.  If you haven't, you will.  This is partially because all guys are assholes, and partially because throughout our evolution females developed a neurological attraction to douchebags.  It can't even be chalked up to a "bad boy" type of thing, because usually the asshole isn't a badass.  He's just an asshole.  All his compliments are 2-sided ("You DO have some muscle underneath that batwing!" or "Those jeans are really tight on you, they look good" both of which are examples of him calling you fat, indirectly).  If you are even slightly irrational like myself, STAY AWAY because those 2 personality types combined leads to disaster.

The Sensitive One
God help you should you ever have a messy break up with THIS one.  You'll never hear the end of it.  Now I like wearing the pants in a relationship just as much as the next crazy feminazi but enough is enough.  Guys, you need to understand that unless we've been married for 4 years I do not ever want to see you cry.  Sensitive guys may seem cute because they write songs for you on guitar but don't be fooled; if I wanted to talk about feelings and emotions for 3 hours a day I would be a lesbian.

The Gay One
It's not hard to convince yourself of things you want to be true, like that it's okay to eat 3 Crunchwrap Supremes because you're on your period or that the guy you're dating isn't gay.  But make no mistake, that boy likes boys, and your friends are only agreeing with you out of pity.  Sadly, these are probably the most successful relationships because you have the most in common.  Best-case scenario: you end up being best friends.  Worst-case scenario: you live with the reality that you are such a ball-buster that you led a nice man away from women for the rest of his life.  Oh well, probably for the best.  Chicks, am I right??

The Control Freak
I've never personally dated any control freaks but I've watched many of my friends fall into this trap and this is why I hate control freaks the most.  Control freaks seem nice at first because they clean up your dishes and get to know your friends but be warned: they are trying to learn every aspect of your life so that they can control you.  Eventually they start telling you who you can hang out with and will probably try to turn you against all your friends because they are crazy and manipulative.

[RANT ALERT] The problem with girls these days is that they have such low self-confidence they start liking a guy for the sole reason that he shows interest.  Ladies, DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.  Don't like a guy just because he likes you.  When I asked my friend Hannah if she was Team Peeta or Team Gale (sorry if you haven't read "Hunger Games" but seriously what are you doing with your life?) she said that she was neither, she was Team Katniss because "she don't need no man."  Despite the mistakes you may have made in the dating arena (I am just on a roll with these HG references!), don't regret them, move on, release your inner-Katniss and go get what you deserve!  Yeah!!

Number one badass.