Monday, March 25, 2013

The Truth About Girls

The media are full of lies about girls.  For example, we don't sit around on beaches eating hamburgers with perfect hair.  When I'm on the beach my hair looks like Cousin It and the only thing I'm eating is saltwater that I inhale through my nose because I can barely swim. Also, I'm probably sun-burned and bloated from drinking seven Smirnoff Ices.

But it's not the media that are the biggest secret-keepers of le femme.  No, it's girls themselves.  The truth is, behind every made-up face and cute little outfit is a monster.  A hairy, slobbering monster that is barely held in check.  Girls are full of lies, and our hair is full of secrets.  No, I'm not talking things like "girls don't fart."  We're all over that, because it's 2013 and girls put farting on their resume.

The first lie girls want you to believe is that they are clean.  I've lived with girls for four years and let me tell you, they are freaking nasty.  In college, you should assume you will go through a vacuum cleaner a year before it breaks, and that is because you will literally suck up so much hair that the vacuum can't handle its own nastiness and just dies.  They say on average you lose about 100 hairs a day, but I'd say it's more like getting Lassie shaved every day and then just sprinkling her hair all throughout the apartment.  I don't even want to think about what's in my shower drain.

The second lie girls want you to believe is that they are dainty eaters.  But give a girl a couple glasses of wine and a tub of Cheese Balls and you won't see any sign of either (not even the container) within half an hour.  Drunk girls eat like they've never seen food before.  It's like cavemen gnawing on whole wooly mammoth thighs.  And they're greedy, too.  Ask for "a bite" and you might as well have told her you hooked up with her boyfriend.

The third lie is that girls like boys.  I'm not saying they are all lesbians, but deep down we all have a hatred for men.  It's not even bred in feminist pride, it's just a raw hatred for the male species.  Maybe because they're all assholes, or maybe that they try to tell us we should look like a million bucks eating a hamburger on the beach (I DON'T EVEN LIKE HAMBURGERS).  I love my boyfriend, but at any given time I'm ready to break up with him just because he's a male. (A lot of this is because I get bored often.)  I've said it before but I'll say it again...

The fourth and final lie is that we're not all back-stabbing bitches.  We are.  There's not one girl on the face of this earth who wouldn't talk bad about her best friend.  It's not that we don't love our friends to death, but really, what else is there to talk about?  Girls will say heinous things.  They will say things they don't even believe to be true, but you'd be surprised what comes out over a bowl of broccoli and cheddar at Panera.

These are only the lies we tell to the rest of the world.  The lies we tell ourselves are much, much worse, like that all my tweets are funny or that I wasn't the one who slashed my ex-boyfriend's tires.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Now Trending

Much like the ebbing of the tides and the popularity of bellbottoms, certain things in our culture come and go. Fads are what keep life interesting, when our bitchy friends or kids from high school that got pregnant aren’t doing the trick. Here are some of the latest trends from our generation…

Super Foods I can’t find a recipe that doesn’t have kale in it these days. I don’t really know what kale is, mostly because I don’t really care enough to find out, but from what I can tell it looks like steamed spinach they served in the cafeteria during elementary school. I don’t know what part of a kale smoothie sounds enticing, but according to Pinterest if you drink them in the morning it’ll shrink your waistline in a week…all I’m saying is I wouldn’t want to see what’s coming out the other end. 

 And quinoa, Jesus. No one even knows what quinoa is. Every time I ask some hippie who swears by quinoa what it really is, they always say “it’s a supergrain.” Oh, is that so? Well that just answers all my questions...NO. That’s the biggest load of propaganda I’ve ever heard. A grain is a grain, and they’re all boring and stupid no matter what kind of Mediterranean dressing you put on it.  Go eat some protein.

Vine I guess it’s the new Snapchat, but dealing more with videos you can post. Whatever, the point is I can’t pay attention to any YouTube video longer than 30 seconds and if it doesn’t have a baby laughing or a cat scratching a dog in the face then I’m really not interested.

Tinder We’re in the digital age, and despite Catfish’s best efforts this app is making online dating less and less 400-pound-man-in-his-mom’s-basement and more and more normal. When the sorostitutes in my class aren’t talking about what they pinned to their “Loveeee” boards on Pinterest they’re talking about who liked them on Tinder.

Has anyone noticed that rednecks are the new guidos of reality TV?  They're totally in right now.  One thing I don’t hate: Si from Duck Dynasty. One thing I do hate: that Buckwild wasn’t filmed when I was in high school because THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT MY LIFE WAS LIKE. 

Lookin' good boys.

Sneaker Heels You know when you find one of those bags covered in sequins that you had in middle school, or those crinkly shirts circa fifth grade yearbook picture? It hurts, deep down, to think that you ever wore these things. This is how we’re going to look at sneaker heels in three years months.

Turqoise Go in any Forever 21 on the east coast and the only colors you’ll see are glitter, cheetah, and light turquoise. 

Side note, if you’d like to participate in my grassroots movement to make Teal Pants Tuesday a thing, go out and get a pair of teal pants and wear them…on Tuesdays. And then tweet about it.
Rustic Weddings Weddings are nothing these days if there aren’t chalkboards directing people where to sit or receptions that take place in barns with a butt-ton of paper lanterns and string lights in them. It’s all about rustic chic, two things that absolutely do not go together, but if you hire a wedding planner (which is, by the way, not a real job) then you better believe she’ll make it happen. 


Boo It’s some fluffy dog on the Internet. Bitches love it, who knows why.

No matter what fads come in and out of style, I think it's safe to say that 99 percent of them are all dumb, the exception being fad diets because those things have really worked for me.