Monday, March 25, 2013

The Truth About Girls

The media are full of lies about girls.  For example, we don't sit around on beaches eating hamburgers with perfect hair.  When I'm on the beach my hair looks like Cousin It and the only thing I'm eating is saltwater that I inhale through my nose because I can barely swim. Also, I'm probably sun-burned and bloated from drinking seven Smirnoff Ices.

But it's not the media that are the biggest secret-keepers of le femme.  No, it's girls themselves.  The truth is, behind every made-up face and cute little outfit is a monster.  A hairy, slobbering monster that is barely held in check.  Girls are full of lies, and our hair is full of secrets.  No, I'm not talking things like "girls don't fart."  We're all over that, because it's 2013 and girls put farting on their resume.

The first lie girls want you to believe is that they are clean.  I've lived with girls for four years and let me tell you, they are freaking nasty.  In college, you should assume you will go through a vacuum cleaner a year before it breaks, and that is because you will literally suck up so much hair that the vacuum can't handle its own nastiness and just dies.  They say on average you lose about 100 hairs a day, but I'd say it's more like getting Lassie shaved every day and then just sprinkling her hair all throughout the apartment.  I don't even want to think about what's in my shower drain.

The second lie girls want you to believe is that they are dainty eaters.  But give a girl a couple glasses of wine and a tub of Cheese Balls and you won't see any sign of either (not even the container) within half an hour.  Drunk girls eat like they've never seen food before.  It's like cavemen gnawing on whole wooly mammoth thighs.  And they're greedy, too.  Ask for "a bite" and you might as well have told her you hooked up with her boyfriend.

The third lie is that girls like boys.  I'm not saying they are all lesbians, but deep down we all have a hatred for men.  It's not even bred in feminist pride, it's just a raw hatred for the male species.  Maybe because they're all assholes, or maybe that they try to tell us we should look like a million bucks eating a hamburger on the beach (I DON'T EVEN LIKE HAMBURGERS).  I love my boyfriend, but at any given time I'm ready to break up with him just because he's a male. (A lot of this is because I get bored often.)  I've said it before but I'll say it again...

The fourth and final lie is that we're not all back-stabbing bitches.  We are.  There's not one girl on the face of this earth who wouldn't talk bad about her best friend.  It's not that we don't love our friends to death, but really, what else is there to talk about?  Girls will say heinous things.  They will say things they don't even believe to be true, but you'd be surprised what comes out over a bowl of broccoli and cheddar at Panera.

These are only the lies we tell to the rest of the world.  The lies we tell ourselves are much, much worse, like that all my tweets are funny or that I wasn't the one who slashed my ex-boyfriend's tires.

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