Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Real World: When Girls Stop Being Biddies and Start Being Adults

In a few short weeks, I will don my cap and gown and walk proudly across the stage to accept my hard-earned diploma.  It's a moment I've imagined vividly for 56 days, when I began my countdown to graduation.  But while I'm excited to finally close the door on all-nighters, endless projects and the tenure system there are a few aspects of the real world of which I'm hesitant.

There are a lot of behaviors that aren't acceptable post-grad.  What probably/hopefully comes to your mind are things like flip cup tournament fundraisers for charities and taking Tuperware containers to buffet-style restaurants.  I'm okay with that.  What I'm not okay with is how literally 90 percent of my wardrobe is not appropriate for wear in locations that aren't college campuses.  What kind of workplace has a yoga-pants dress code? None.  Cowboy boots and jean shorts?  Forget about it.  Bathing suits?  Only at the pool.

"This is business casual right?"

And think about it...have you ever seen anyone older than 22 wearing a hoodie?  No.  I don't know what they do with all their heavily worn sweatshirts but I'll tell you one thing: Plato's Closet does not go for that stuff.  Or maybe they just don't go for any of my stuff.  Seriously I hate that place. 

You can't just throw your clothes in the washer on normal cycle and cold water anymore.  Life in the real world means one thing: you better find a cheap, close dry cleaner because once you move your tassel over your clothes are way too nice to "tumble dry."  Regular washers and dryers are for peasants, apparently.

Social Media
Did you know that once Facebook finds out you've graduated they take away your chat and then you're forced to use some website called "Google Plus"?  But seriously, have you ever seen anyone under 22 on Google Plus?  Be prepared to get G-Chatted.

You know when you go on Instagram and there's always that one girl that's like "Cooked my dinner tonight and it was so delish #chefstatus" and her meal actually looks ratchet?  I hope that girl isn't graduating because it's not acceptable to do that anymore.  When you graduate, you have to cook every meal every night and if you're Instagramming all of that you need to get a job or start a mommy blog.

Mashed pomegranate and bird poop for dinner #nutritious and #soyummy

Reading Material
Let's be real, no one in college has time to read leisurely, but when they do they [girls] are reading Cosmo.  But say your goodbyes to the 52 never-before-seen-until-next-month sex tips because from here on out it's Real Simple and Southern Living for you, Miss Thang.

Eating and Drinking
This is about to change drastically.  Nowhere outside of a college town will you find pitchers less than $2, so drink up.  You can't swipe a card and get handed a meal anymore.  You also can't keep wearing your 21st birthday tiara and expect to get free drinks every Friday.  Live it up birthday girl.

Congratulations to the class of 2013, and may your transition into the real world not hit you like two-ton tractor trailer going 80 mph.  I hope you have all taken over-saturated pictures of yourselves around campus in your graduation garb and posted them all over the Internet, because you don't get your diploma unless you have.

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