Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Tutorial Tuesday: How to Have a Successful Relationship

Despite Taylor Swift's best efforts to tell you otherwise, I'm living, breathing, neurotic proof that you can be 100% crazy and still keep a boyfriend for longer than two weeks.  I know that sometimes I write about having a boyfriend and you might just think he's a fantasy man, but I assure you he's real and has been stuck in  enjoying a stable relationship with me for more than a year.  Let me save you the $5 a month you spend on Cosmopolitan because I'm about to tell you the secrets to having a successful relationship.  It even works for crazy bitches.


First you need to abandon all efforts to remain "sexy."  Give it up.  It may work for a few weeks, but there will be a time when he realizes all your dirty secrets: that you fart six of the eight hours you spend sleeping, that your two front teeth are fake, that your childhood room still holds all 300 of your beanie babies.  Eventually he'll see what you look like without makeup on, and let's just say there's a little less "sexy" and a little more "beast."

Find something you both enjoy doing together.  Hiking, cooking, Words with Friends, working out.  I especially recommend the last one, because it combines being un-sexy and having a joint hobby.  For example, every time me and my boyfriend squat together I tell him that the face I make while squatting is the same face I make while pooping.  (Honesty, people.  That's all it takes.)  Just make sure you don't start doing everything together.  We all know those people who invite their boyfriends to girls' nights.  You know who you are.  Quit that.

In the words of relationship/how-to-burn-out-quickly guru John Mayer, "say what you need to say."  I'm sick of girls freaking out about how to respond to a text from a boy inviting her to hang out.  A simple yes or no would suffice, but no.  Girls have to write an outline, then a first draft, then have her friends edit and revise that shit before she even thinks about sending it.  By the time it's sent it sounds like the girl is a schizo because all of her friends have contributed their own opinions.  NEWSFLASH: There's no "double meaning" for guys.  Unlike girls, boys aren't insane creeps who read too much into everything.  Cut the crap.  If you like him, tell him (unless you've never spoken to him before...that's weird).  If you want a certain type of perfume for Christmas, tell him.  He'll appreciate it.

Truth.  But she still sucks.

Like I've mentioned before, all girls are crazy.  This doesn't mean that you should embrace that, at least until you've been dating a guy for three months.  You see, three months is the critical point in a relationship, more important than a one year anniversary or your first fight.  If you continue to date after three months you better make sure you're prepared because you're in it for the long haul.  If you truly weren't LTR material then the relationship will naturally end at or before three months.*

*This is all factual information based on a scientific study I conducted.  Subjects were my boyfriends in high school.

SO, once you're in the safe-zone it is totally okay to let that crazy shine through.  After all, he's stuck with you, so fly those crazy flags and fly them high.  Do you think my boyfriend knew I had severe psychological issues and an intense need to be the alpha-female when he fell in love with me at first sight?  Absolutely not, because that's not the type of thing you tell anyone until you have guilted them into spending the rest of your life with you.  If he were to break up with me now, he would look like an asshole.

Also, good relationships are built on threats.  For example, "if you break up with me I will literally ruin your life in the form of detrimental libel posted all over the internet.  You will never be employable again."  Things of that nature.  I was having lunch with my friend Jordan the other day, discussing pleasant topics like this when he looked at me, deadpan with a hint of fear in his voice, and said "You would be a crazy ex-girlfriend."  Yes, but it's a situation that's easy to avoid: don't break up with me.

Now I realize I sound like a feminazi.  You have to remember that boys are humans and have feelings too.  That's why it's important to do cute things like bake cookies and crap.  Also, don't be boring, don't do any of this stuff, offer to pay for dinner sometimes, and never ever insult his mother.

Lastly, guys want girls who can be feminine and delicate, sexy and thin, but who can still eat hamburgers for every meal, never poop, and be one of the guys.  So as long as you've mastered that you should be good.

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