Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Secret Life of Biddies

Biddies lead hectic lives.  Between my jam-packed schedule of forcing my friends to eat frozen yogurt with me and sucking up to professors during their office hours, I barely have time to tweet any more.  But I recognize how important it is for us gurlz to have daily down time. 

While the public life of girls is pretty predictable (complaining, lunch dates, looking at her phone), their private lives are an unknown land full of mystery, much like the deep ocean or the crack between my bed and the wall.

So what do girls do when they're bored and alone?  Well since you asked, I'll tell you.

Facebook Stalk
This is single-handedly the way girls spend the majority of their private time.  If the CIA really wanted to find the cream of the spy crop, they would interview recent female graduates with smart phones, average GPAs, and at least 2 hours spent on Facebook a day.  Girls these days can do background checks more thorough than any government agency, without even knowing your name.  And be warned because she can figure out every girl a guy has hooked up with since 6th grade.  It's not creepy, it's networking.

Catch Up On Their Shows
Unfortunately sometimes biddies can't get out of commitments in the evening time block, like group meetings in the library or sorority chapters, and this causes them to miss the latest Teen Mom.  Fortunately, they have the password to their parents' Netflix and a Hulu account, so they never have to go a week without catching up on Glee or Grey's.  After all, wouldn't you want to know if she said yes to the dress?*

*Epiti-biddies will usually make their boyfriend "snuggle" with them as they watch their shows, and they'll probably tweet about it.

Pick Their Split Ends
While this is typically an activity most practiced when girls are bored in lecture or stuck in traffic, it is certainly not limited.  You can do this anytime, anywhere, but especially when you're alone with no one to talk at. 

Disgusting side note: I found out this habit is part of a skin-picking obsession called dermatillomania (the repeated urge to pick at one's skin, also known as neurotic excoriation, pathologic skin picking, and compulsive skin picking) and if you want to vomit you can read this help forum

Look at Themselves in the Mirror
Looking perfect doesn't come without hours spent staring at yourself and judging your every flaw. Every eyebrow hair is plucked, every clogged pore is immediately combated, and every cuticle is wiped clean of excess nail polish.  If you don't look pretty you look shitty.  They also plan out all their outfits for the week and try each of them on.  Sometimes, I just put on my old prom dresses and sit around...looking at my split ends.  It makes me feel like a princess; I recommend it.

Sometimes done simultaneously as Looking in the Mirror, girls just need to cry it out.  They usually cry about how their boyfriend didn't comment on her new jeggings or that her roommate didn't say hi.  These tearful rampages are not rational, but they are necessary to maintain at least a little emotional stability in public.  (For rules on when is appropriate to cry, read my post about it...oh and have I mentioned if you click my ads I get money?...Just saying).

So there you have it.  Behind every calm and collected young woman is a hysterically crying stalker who finds solace in her unhealthy hair and the never-ending search to find out who the real Gossip Girl is.*

*In case you were wondering, it's me.

No comments:

Post a Comment