Thursday, March 22, 2012

Sunny With a Chance of Hormones

This week's high pressure system has ushered in escalating temperatures and wonderful, wonderful sunshine. Yet again, I get to wear dresses and not-sunscreen, people watch discreetly through my sunglasses, and skip class because everyone knows "it's nice outside" is a perfect excuse to do so.  (The only bad part about the warm weather is I don't get to use suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder as an excuse for being a bitch.)

Interestingly, spring fever is actually a semi-real thing.  Like anything (global warming, puberty) spring fever happens because of hormone shifts, specifically an increase in the mood-boosting neurotransmitter serotonin.  Also, according to the LA Times, some anthropologists think better moods have to do with coming out of a period of winter hibernation into a spring season of heavy hunting and gathering, left over from when humans were bears.  Or something.  The bottom line is that people do it more, start exercising, and want to clean.

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about real things like science.  Instead, I'd like to discuss how this manifests itself on college campuses, spreading across student populaces faster than the syph.

First, the campus is transformed.  There's no sand or water, but bathing suits become acceptable outfits and girls hit the quad with towels, iPods, and water bottles filled with Burnetts and Gatorade mix, just like a real beach.  They check the app on their phone that tells them the UV index and god forbid it's above a 7, you better clear out because they'll trample you for a spot where they can "lay out."  It's kind of like Spring Breezy never ended.

Below, I've outlined several factors that correlate with the rising temperatures.

This last part is the most immediately noticeable change.  You know that part in Bambi when spring arrives and all the animals go ape-shit?  It's basically like that, with fewer clothes.

Common apparel choices you might notice in the coming weeks include bros wearing Rainbows (Rainbros), girls wearing maxi-dresses who shouldn't be wearing maxi-dresses, and my personal favorite: janties (jean panties).

While playing strip changing-season might be fun, be wary of spring fever's side effects.  Hormones will rage and people will fall in love (read: fall in bed...with each other).  Suddenly, boys with puppies will appear on campus, oddly without shirts.

Don't know where he's been hiding that little guy all winter...
I'm not complaining.  What I am complaining about is gaggles of girls that have decided it's necessary for all of them to go to the gym at the same time.  Here's a chart I made after months of gathering data on peak exercise times:

[RANT ALERT] Also, sometimes as the weather improves weirdos think it's okay to not wear shoes on campus.  But let me be glaringly clear when I say THERE IS NEVER A TIME WHEN THAT'S OKAY.  I don't care if it's TOM'S A Day Without Shoes or if you're just a hippie, put your freaking shoes back on.  It's rude and nasty to the people with whom you have class, who are probably all hoping you step on a rusty nail and get tetanus.  I digress.

Eventually, finals will be around the corner and all this madness will settle down.  Until then, be prepared to see lots of dartiers (day partiers), sunburns, and cornhole sets.

Yay spring!

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