Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Where Not to Meet Guys

A lot of my gal friends complain about how it's "impossible to meet guys."  Like everything biddies say, this is a complex statement with several potential meanings.  So what does a girl mean when she says this?  Shut up and I'll tell you.

An amateur might assume that meeting guys is literally impossible.  This is doubtful, unless the girl is a nun, and by that I mean attending an all-girls school.

She could mean that she meets very few guys.  This is slightly probable, especially if she goes to a college like JMU which comprises 60% females and 40% males.  But even as I sit on campus at this very moment I can spot at least 3 people who seem to be males in a room of about 7.  There are definitely guys around, and they're not that hard to meet.  Guys between the ages of puberty and receding-hairline are thirsty to meet women because all they think about is sex, so they're probably willing to chatter about with you.

The most likely meaning is that all the guys they meet are unsuitable to their tastes or do not meet their standards.  This isn't unfounded.  I conducted a rough survey in which I categorized the 40% of dudes at JMU, and as you can by these results it is slim pickins:

60% douchebags, 20% weirdos/socially awkward, 10% boyfriends, 9% bad hygiene, and 1% nice guys.
While the reality that MORE THAN HALF of guys are douchers, I encourage you to focus on that little slice of reassurance.  Nice Guys.  They're out there.  It's just a matter of finding them, which is something that, quite frankly, I don't know how to do.  But I do know what types of guys you will find in certain places so you know where to avoid and where to hone in on with your gaggle of single ladies.

Do you want to tell your future kids that you met when Daddy grinded up on you at a kegger in some sketchy basement?  No, because then they'll grow up and think it's okay to do the same thing.  That stuff is cyclical.  

The Gym
There are a few things that run rampant at the gym: steroids, annoying people, and hormones.  Do not let this fool you into thinking it's a good place to mingle.  Guys are doing their best to appear strong and manly but IT IS A TRAP.  Underneath that sweaty muscle-y exterior is a pompous doucher who only cares about his sweaty muscle-y exterior and what you think of it.  If you want a total meathead raising your kids then suuuure, go for it.

Coffee Shops, Concerts, Downtown "Shows"
Yeah, these guys might be cute in that flannelly beard-y way but before they woo you with their guitar-playing and mother-nature-vibes think about this:
  1. Musicians never make money, and you are lying if you say you don't mind being poor for the rest of your life.
  2. He will make you convert to his vegan lifestyle.  You may not notice at first but these guys know how to brainwash.  Do you really want to give up bacon egg and cheese biscuits?  No, and if you say you do again you are lying.
  3. They don't shower that much, and they are unreliable.  
The bottom line is that the biddie lifestyle does not condone these types of men, unless you want a total flake as a boyfriend.

The Library
You might think that guys in the library are smart and driven and destined for greatness.  While that may be true, those are not the guys who are going to hit on you at the library precisely because they are smart and driven and destined for greatness.  No, the guys you're going to pick up are there purely for the show and they just want you to think they are the former.  It all breaks down to backpack size: if it's 2 feet deep your boyfriend will have back problems, if it's 2 notebook papers deep then you're going to have back problems from picking up all the extra slack in your relationship.  

This is usually a good bet, but if something goes awry it makes it really awkward for the rest of the semester, so use caution.  Always target guys who look smarter so that once he's whipped, he'll take all your notes and do all your homework for you.

The Dining Hall
Not sure about this one.  While people tend to bond over food no one looks attractive whilst eating, and I'm not sure how to strike up a conversation in the hot dog line without being awkward.

So with that dismal summary, I wish you good luck and good looks.  Don't be discouraged, there's always the internet.

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