Luckily, my roommate days are long gone. Never again will some innocent person be subjected to sharing a 9'x14' room with me and my moody morning habits and I think we can all say a "hallelujiah" for that (except my future husband...sucks to be him right??). But during my time as a girl, dorm resident, and citizen of a college apartment complex I've become kind of a Dr. Phil in roommate and neighbor issues. Don't get me wrong, having roommates is so fun. You have a live-in social life so you virtually never have to leave your house, you can make them pick out all your clothes, plus you can do fun things like wine nights and farmers market trips. They may even be your future bridesmaids, but every time you have more than one girl there is bound to be drama.
Let's start with your crazy freshman roommate. Maybe she's been hiding your coffee filters to make you late in the morning or "accidentally" leaving and locking the door while you shower, key-less and clothes-less. The first thing you need to do is bitch about it to everyone but her. If you're lucky you have a friend like me who will take your side no matter what ("What? She emptied your trash can for you? That must mean she's sexting your boyfriend behind your back...Slore.") Then, once word finally gets back to her that you've been running your trap all over campus about how she farts in her sleep, you can have a Showdown. The Showdown accomplishes nothing except you both get to scream at each other and then wait out the rest of the semester being fake-polite and passive-aggressive. It's all part of the college experience.
|Subtlety and willingness to share your nail polish are two ingredients of great roommates.|
Then you have the noisy neighbors. Staunch supporters of Messed Up Monday, Tequila Tuesday, Wasted Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday and weekends these party pups are apparently in school for reasons other than, oh, you know...GETTING A DEGREE. Unfortunately for you, they live just above you on the other side of that 6 inch, uninsulated floor. Fortunately for you, there are options.
- Get a BB gun.
- Get a louder sound system than them and become the louder neighbors. First they'll be stunned, then it will escalate.
- Call the police.
- Start dating one of them and use your sex appeal to persuade them to keep it down.
|I saw you looking at my Lucky Charms.|
The only other pieces of advice I can give you are as follows:
- If you are a female, invest in an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner, or else collect all the hair on your carpet by hand and make a wig.
- If you are a male, make sure you are the alpha male in your household so you don't have to do all the cleaning (this is what I've observed, anyway).
- If you are a human, get ear plugs.
|Seriously, not kidding about this one.|