Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Perks of Being a Bitch

Bitches have a terrible and undeserved reputation, but they have their place in the world.  Do you think Katniss Everdeen, JWoww and Condoleezza Rice got where they are because they're nice to people and go to Sunday School every week?  HELL NO.  Those women are bad-ass bitches who got what they want because they're not afraid to tear it up.

There's no cure for bitchicitis.  The only thing to do is to embrace it.  Bitches must know they are bitches and give it 110%.  Once you do that, you can sit back and enjoy your bitchy lifestyle.

The first advantage is that you no longer have to feel bad about hurting people's feelings.  Say whatever you want, whenever you want, to whomever you want.  Not having a conscience really takes a load off.

So after you've said whatever you want to whomever you want, you might assume that there are consequences.  There are, but guess what?  You don't care.  If you talk bad about someone behind their back, chances are they'll eventually find out and perhaps confront you.  But the thing is, people can get mad at me for talking about them all they want but at the end of the day I still would probably say everything to their face, and I would gladly say it again.  To their face.  Don't consider it being bitchy, it's more like being efficient by cutting out the middle man/shared friend of gossiping.

When you are a bitch, you are nobody's door mat.  People never ask you to help out with anything because you just bitch about it.  No longer will people ask you to help with their homework, pick up some milk on your way home, or hold their screaming snotty baby.  There's a reason it's called HBIC, not Head Nice Kind Lady In Charge.

Being a bitch also makes you immune to insults.  Generally, shit-talking someone warrants them shit-talking about you in response (karma, or whatever).  Insults can get pretty intense, like girls calling other girls bitches.  But since you already know this to be true and you don't care, it rolls right off you.  Oh wow, you called me a bitch?  Let me go lick my wounds while you come up with more things I ALREADY KNOW.

Lastly, if for nothing else, being a bitch is entertaining to you and others.  If we weren't all bitches at some point or another, there would be no drama and life would be boring.  Bitches, just like all peoples of the world, love drama and if you say you don't then you can just go have a boring miserable life baking apple pies for your husband and the ladies in your quilt circle.  Also, though being bitchy might find you with no close friends because you've screwed them all over, at least people will look at you as a novelty friend, someone to keep around as spectacle.

Also, I'm pretty sure being bitchy burns more calories.  Bitch on, betches!

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