Friday, April 13, 2012

Annoying People Friday: People at the Gym

I always say that if I was an anthropologist I would do my field study in a regular American gym.  Those places are chock-full of social norms, subcultural behavior, and FREAKING WEIRDOS.  The gym is not the real world: you can do things here that you can't elsewhere, like stretch provocatively in the hallway or pretend you have the strength of an NFL lineman.  Unfortunately, many don't know the laws of the gym and their only seeming purpose while exercising is to be annoying while doing it.  Here are some common annoying people I've observed while balancing my work out with tolerating idiots.

The Workout Buddies
[RANT ALERT] I understand some people aren't like me and as such don't enjoy the monotony and solitude of 60 minutes of cardio with their iPods screaming into their ears.  But excuse me when I informally infer that people who work out with other people DON'T WORK OUT.  Maybe if you actually broke a sweat instead of trolling it would be a different story, but if I wanted to wander around chattering about NOTHING I would be at an ice cream social.

What astounds me is that guys are the biggest offenders of this crime.  Why, I ask?!  Most of the time when males hang out they don't speak to each other so why all of a sudden do they have so much to gossip about when they're watching each other lift stuff?

The Know-Nothing-At-All
This is pretty much everyone at the gym but me.  But while I may hate everyone that doesn't mean I'll leave you in the dark.  Here are some things you shouldn't be doing when you're in a public gym:
  • Not disinfecting machines you use.  I don't know what kind of virus you're acting as a vehicle for but I know I don't want it or your leftover sweat residue in or around my body.
  • Wearing those stupid Fivefinger foot gloves.  You might as well go barefoot, I would hate you just as much.
  • Going at ludicrous speed on the elliptical.  When you're shaking the machine so much you're bumping into mine, maybe it's time to bump up the resistance, homegirl.
  • Acting like you're better than anyone.  You should not be worrying about anyone but you.  Really, you shouldn't even be looking at anyone else.  Lift your weights and flex your moobs and then leave satisfied with yourself.
  • Be naked.  Sports bras should be treated like regular wouldn't wear just your Bombshell to class, now would you?  And nobody appreciates being blinded by bluish-white Guy Thigh...put that away.
  • Socializing (see The Workout Buddies).  Be hardcore now, discuss the latest episode of Desperate Housewives later, over crumpets and bon-bons.
The Loud Guy
You know that noise Serena Williams makes every time she hits a tennis ball?  This guy has taken it upon himself to replicate it at the end of every leg press, presumably as his buddy cheers him on to do "one more" (because loud people are usually workout buddies, and both types of people are douches).  And let's not forget that everyone in the room wants to hear that melodious metal clang every time you slam weights back on the ground.

Now it may seem like the gym is a scary place full social wrongs and rights that harken back to a middle school cafeteria.  While in reality it's much worse than that, you shouldn't be intimidated.  After all, getting exercise and being annoying about it is better than getting no exercise.  Think about it: you're probably going to annoy me either way so you might as well get swoll in the process.

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