Sunday, July 29, 2012

Cats vs. Dogs

When you meet someone for the first time, you probably ask what their name is, or what they do, or perhaps even their celebrity crush.  All this small talk gives the illusion that you are getting to know someone, but these things matter not.  There is only one question you need to ask to really cut to the core of someone, get a grasp on their soul and determine if a beautiful friendship is about to bloom.

"Are you a cat person or a dog person?"

If you say "dog," you're dead to me.  I believe humans are reflections of their pets of choice.  Think about the things that dogs do for entertainment: sniff other dogs butts, and spend repetitive hours running after a slobbery ball.  They love anyone who will touch their smelly fur, and they are also dumb.  I once saw a dog eat it's own crap.  When I go over to a friend's house, I expect to be greeted with a glass of wine, not a dog shoving its nose in my crotch for ten awkward minutes while I try to giggle nonchalantly and kick it away when the host's back is turned.

I'll admit I once told a boy I liked dogs better to appear fun-loving and cute.  But I'm older and wiser now and I know that no boy is ever worth lying about my affection for cats.  Cats, man!  They bury their own poop and they bathe themselves.  They don't need to be trained because they know everything.  Their favorite games are interactive and more hilarious than fetch.  Have you ever given a cat catnip?  Shown them a laser pointer?  Cats are descendants of saber tooth tigers, the originators of badasses.  Where do dogs come from?  Stupidland.  Dog-lovers, you can say cats are bitches all you want, and I'll be happy because at least that's one accurate thing that comes out of your mouth.  Cats are bitches, and that's why I love them.

Oh, what's that you're saying?  Dogs are men's best friends?  They love you unconditionally?  Well I don't look to my pets for unconditional love, and my best friend is a human, because I enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation and hygiene.

Cats, meow and forever.

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