Friday, May 18, 2012

Annoying People Friday: People on Airplanes

So as you -- my devoted fans and readers -- know, I'm in Florence, Italy doing important things like sitting on bridges guessing which passers-by are Italians and trying to figure out what a miniature toilet next to a regular sized toilet in my bathroom is doing there.

FYI, it's to wash your butthole with...
But before I got to Firenze, which incidentally is the name of a centaur in Harry Potter, I had to get here via plane.  I don't know if you all have ever flown internationally but let me tell you: annoying people are not just native to America.  They are everywhere.

I boarded the plane, only to realize the seat next to me was unoccupied.  I was obviously happy because that means one less person in my vicinity (always good) and an extra blanket.  Score City.

WRONG.  I was happy only until I realized who was surrounding me.  Here's a brief description of people I spent nine freezing hours with, dozing in and out of a sleeping pill-induced dream where We Bought a Zoo seemed to constantly be playing (good movie though, I recommend).

Why are you still reading my blog?  Go see this adorable little girl and attractive man play with tigers NOW.
Little Kids
...scream and poop, all the time.  That's all they do, day in and day out.  Scream, poop, scream, poop.  Oh, except when they're not busy kicking the back of your seat on an airplane.  That was fun.

I understand that couples are annoying all the time, and I also have heard of heightened sexual experiences at high altitudes but PUH-LEASE.  Keep it in your pants.  What made it worse is that this particular couple a) looked oddly similar (incest?  They were Russian...not that that means anything) and b) had Chipotle that they somehow made last for the whole trip.  Interesting phenomenon: Chipotle looks no less delicious after eight hours on a plane.  Must be the additives.

The Person Who Wants to Make Friends
You know those people who try to make friends and talk to everyone in their vicinity?  I'm one of them, but I have my limits.  For example, I firmly believe the Appalachian Trail is not a place to go and make friends.  Same with an insane asylum, or an international flight.  NEWS FLASH: You are not on this plane to become best buds with some total RANDO you JUST met.  This girl sitting across the aisle talked nonstop about her life the whole time.  Anything you want to know, I could tell you.  She was adopted, studies "naturals," is a photographer-designer-poet-writer, and also has supernatural powers, apparently.  At first I thought she was high, then I just realized she was freaking insane.  Some of my favorite quotes from this whackjob:
"I don't like plastics...they're just not natural."
"They should make a plane out of bamboo."
Upon being offered an in-flight glass of wine: "Yes, I'd like the blood of Christ." *
Literally the face I was making. 
I think airlines should have sort of policy to shut these weirdos up.  Their audiences are entirely captive, it's just lucky for this girl a nice, tolerant lady was sitting next to her and not me because I would have stuffed a wad of tissues in her mouth.

*These stories are 100% true, my friend traveling with me heard it.

So the next time you board a plane, remember not to be intimate with your boyfriend, kick the seat in front of you incessantly and be a total crackhead.  On behalf of Biddie Lifestyle, I hope you enjoyed the flight!

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