Thursday, May 10, 2012

When in Rome

I'm getting ready to spend the next two months in Italy, "studying abroad" (drinking wine for college credit).  I'm living in Florence, former rage spot of the Jersey Shore and other less important historical shit, and staying with whom I hope is a fat old Italian lady who makes some bomb manicotti.  It's going to be two months of sipping cappuccinos, riding on Vespas through narrow cobblestone streets and any other activities I can partake in while emulating Julia Roberts in "Eat Pray Love."  Sounds like the life right?

WELL I DON'T WANT TO GO.  I hate change.  I almost withdrew from college the night before I went.  I hate having guests in my house.  I don't even like replacing my toothbrushes.  (I do it though...geeze I'm not nasty.)

As much as I hate change, I love complaining, so it's been a lethal combination for about a month.  I complain to everyone I know about going and they give me blank stares.  What would you do if some white bitch was whining about having to leave the Land of the Free [Frosty with Purchase of a Combo Meal] to go live in one of the most romantic and culturally rich countries on the planet while her dad pays for it?  Probably punch her, which accounts for my two black eyes.  So what am I so scared of?

There's No Target
Where am I supposed to buy my coffee creamer and mascara?  There's no Target (or Bath and Body Works, or Victoria Secret...but that's a whole separate issue), which is why 25 pounds of my 50 pound weight limit comprises extra essentials like Tresemme Curl Scrunching Gel and Venus razor blades.  I'm loyal to my products and have heard you have to buy your groceries and clothes in DIFFERENT STORES in Italy.  Since when was my convenience not top priority?

There's No Texting
Don't even try to appease me with all that Skype and emailing nonsense.  What am I going to do when I can't instantaneously text my boyfriend mundane details of my day or tweet my every thought?  Make up for it when I get back, that's what.  Brace yourselves.

There's No Gym
I love stereotypes, and as far as I'm concerned all Italians do is nom on pasta, drink wine and sit around hitting on foreign women.  While I plan on indulging myself in all of these activities, I'm not trying to gain five pounds a week.  I have a wedding to be in when I get back and I have already gotten my dress fitted.*  It's me versus gelato, and I hate losing.

*It's not my wedding.

I'll Be There During the Most Patriotic Days of the Year
My 21st birthday, for one.  I wonder if Italy has ever seen a bar crawl, because if they haven't they're about to experience American college.  Memorial Day, for another.  Do they even eat hamburgers?  And FOURTH OF JULY?  My favorite holiday, next to Flag Day.  I hope it's not illegal to set homemade fireworks off the top of the Duomo while drinking a Bud because I'm not trying to get arrested and have some Amanda Knox shit happen to me.  Regardless, I've packed my American flag that I like to wear as a dress and will represent until I pass out.

I've heard the Italians love shoes...I'll fit in fine...right??...

All My Money Will Be Gone
In two months, everything I own will be gone.  I plan on making the most of my time there, and that means two things: traveling and clubbing...both of which cost those monies.  Luckily, I plan on staying in Europe after my term ends and living as a nomad because I have gotten really into that show My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

What If It's Not Acceptable to Wear Leggings and Cowboy Boots?
What if it's not acceptable to wear leggings and cowboy boots?

My only comfort is that I can call Italy "Bidd-aly" for two months and bring the biddie lifestyle to Firenze.  (Also I get to use the word "piazza" in regular conversation, and say things like "Let's meet at the Ponte Vechhio.")  If you have any other comforting advice (read: Euros) there is a comment box and the Help A Sista Out Foundation. 

Ciao, or whatever.
What I'll be doing as my plane takes off.


  1. Hii!!

    Babyyy girl! Goodnews, they have this thing in Italy where you can buy a disaposable gophone-type phone for dirttt cheap and then top it up whenever you want (so you CAN text!!!.. although its only people in italy)

    But for reals, Its pretty scary thing to do but you'll do it and you'll look back at the whole thing and be really really proud of yourself for plucking up the courage to live in a foreign country for two months. You'll probably lose weight from all the walking and exploring you'll do! So don't worry about the gym!;)

    Alot of people tell you that bullshit that like, "omg its the greatest experience of your life or whatever"... but here's the truth. Its the Hardest experience you'll ever go through. You'll be pushed to the limit, frustrated and absolutely exhausted... but you'll emerge so much stronger than you ever thought you can be. And when you come back to america.. nothign will phase you. You'll see things so differently. Its okay to be afraid. Embrace that fear is what makes you so courageous.

    This probably wasnt the most motivational comment ever, but I just wanted to be real with you. You're beautiful. Don't be afraid to be bitchy to handsy italians and you have some wonderful memories ahead of you! Email me if you ever need motivational pep talks or vent seshes while you're there! :)

    1. omg i love that. i appreciate your honesty. Why are we not best friends? I know it'll be fine I just need to buck up. You're going to have no trouble handling those juniors this summer. Have a safe trip home!!

  2. The key ingredient to surviving study abroad is alcohol. It'll get you through it all! You'll have a great experience and will learn things about yourself that will surprise you! One of my best friends sent me this quote the other day, "The best journeys answer questions that in the beginning you didn't even think to ask." :) Thank you!!

    When in doubt.. drink!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. haha thanks! they're just gif files, so when you save them to your computer make sure you put it as a .gif then upload them as you would pictures! :)