Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Tutorial Tuesday: How to Be Poor

I don't know where my money goes.  All I buy is food and gas, yet somehow my friends that go to Urban Outfitters every week and afford sorority dues and letters every semester end up with more money than I do.  And I even have a job.

But while I do get more than enough assistance from my parents, I hate asking for money and consider my poor person's lifestyle preparation for the approaching apocalypse so I make it work.

First of all, you need to learn how to steal stuff.  I don't mean actually steal stuff -- unless it's my heart and you're a cute boy -- but more like take advantage of things that aren't necessarily advertised as free but you wouldn't get in trouble for doing.  This means taking the apples that sit out at the dining hall, or taking a Tupperware to the dining hall to fill up (it's like take out, kind of...).  Take the bread at restaurants, all they do is throw it out.  The trick is feeling entitled and looking like you know what you're doing, which is something that as a middle-class college kid in America I have no trouble accomplishing.

Secondly, eat a lot of peanut butter.  When spread on the apples you stole earlier this becomes a nutritious meal with high caloric content (thus more energy) on the cheap.

Thirdly, learn to mooch off others.  To do this you have to get people to like you, which as far as I can tell is done by pretending to care what they say and laughing at their jokes.  Also, having rich friends aids in this process because they're more likely to invite you to weekends at their lake houses and dinners that their parents finance.  Getting a rich boyfriend is even better, because then it's not so much you mooching as it is his responsibility to buy you everything you want, which for me is a lot of milkshakes and front row concert tickets.

Rich friends are crucial.

Now you may think because you're poor you have to miss out on a bunch of stuff.  No no.  You just need to learn how to manipulate the fun other people have.  For example, bring the fun to you: tell your friends to hang out with you instead of going out.  This may be difficult to accomplish, which is why it's necessary to have some alluring quality, such as a neat pet or a juggling ability.  If they decide to go galavanting around dropping paper and living like Drake then you need to ruin their fun.  Fake a severe laceration forcing them to come home (you can surprise them with Funfetti cupcakes and they'll totally ignore the fact that you're not bleeding from the ears), figure out how to disconnect the power to the club they're at, or text Kelly anonymously saying Julie -- who she's out with -- hooked up with Kelly's boyfriend last year.  Basically just Grinch the hell out of them, but be sneaky about it.

And lastly, just remember that someone is always worse off than you so shut your mouth and stop complaining.  Or get a job (yeah right).

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