Thursday, May 3, 2012

Things I Can't Stand

I'm a pretty chilled out person (ha), but sometimes things just really peeve me. However, because I'm a mature adult I've learned how to deal with it.  For example, if someone or something makes me angry, I'll go for a run, punch a wall, or tweet incessantly about it.  Actually, I've found that the internet provides a great outlet for ranting, which is why I'm here today with a succinct list of things that really PO me so you can stay on my good side.

Okay FIRST OF ALL, can we talk about how pencil eyeliner is a total rip-off?  The $8 pencil is like 3 inches to start with and then when it gets down to the last inch (A WHOLE INCH I TELL YOU!) you can't even sharpen it anymore rendering it entirely useless.  Sometimes I just want to take my eyeliner stubs back to Sephora and demand a 1/3 refund.

Not all vegetarians, of course.  Just most of them, because most vegetarians are the kind who tie you to a chair and shove it down your throat.  They think they're better than everyone and they want the world to know it.  I'm a pretty healthy eater -- due to my extremely sensitive and easily unbalanced digestive system I really only eat salad, fruit, and the occasional bag of peanut butter M&Ms -- and I don't need your speeches about animal cruelty and sustainability to alienate me.  Have you ever noticed that vegetarians are usually only friends with other vegetarians?  A dietician I recently spoke with explained this as a social thing: They eat the same foods so they hang out with each other and go to weird vegetarian restaurants that omnivores only pretend to like out of novelty, but I think it's just because they're all annoying and annoying people flock together.

And that's all I got to say about that.

Drama, all the time.  I'll be the first to admit I start a lot of drama, but mostly because I only take 4 classes a semester and get bored.  But GIRLS man.  You cannot mess up around them.  If you think you're being nice you're actually just being fake nice which warrants you a nice little shit-talk with all of her friends.  If you try to confront them in an adult manner you're just being aggressive and rude.  If you hang out with your boyfriend too much you're a slut who clearly hates all your friends.  And be assured that every time you walk away from your friends they start bitching about you, but they don't get that you really couldn't care what they think.  My advice is to only be friends with animals, minerals and boys, because ALL GIRLS SUCK.

I love Panera, don't get me wrong.  But after a recent excursion there I started noticing a few things.  Numero uno:  why do their side options suck?  If I'm getting a bread bowl I want my side item to be one of those tasty treats, not another freaking piece of bread.  They think everyone is trying to carbo-load when they go there.  Not so.  I know you're probably saying, "Why doesn't this bitch just get chips or an apple instead?"  WELL I'LL TELL YOU.  Chips are bad for you and the apples SUCK.  They're not even apples.  It's like an apple reproduced with the pit of a peach and the Panera apple got all the pit peach genes and nothing from the apple.  Where are those apples even grown, Belarus?  And numero two: the water cups are appropriately sized for a garden gnome.  The way I see it is if you don't hydrate you die and Panera is enabling my death by their small water cups.  I don't want my pleasant lunchtime conversation to be interrupted every time I have to go refill my thimble of water.

Panera Bread on bread on bread.

Short Sizes
Why are short and pant sizes different on a mammoth level?  It makes me feel fat and I'm fragile about things like that.  The fluorescent dressing room light and my mother's criticism (Mom if you're reading this I'm just kidding, it's just a writing technique and you have always been very supportive) is harsh enough, and I don't need to be trying to wedge myself into a pair of janties that should theoretically fit, if women's sizes made any kind of sense.  Did I balloon up 6 sizes from my pant size since yesterday?

Gross Drinkers I hate when people take a big gulp of whatever they’re drinking, and then there’s some liquid residue left over around their lips, and they don’t wipe it off. You know?

Selling Books Back
This is a hate/love relationship.  Usually by the end of the semester I am broke as a joke, so I think that selling my books back is going to cushion my wallet with a fat and much needed wad of cash.  Falsity, because the most you'll ever get for a book is $2.  By hate/love relationship, I mean that I hate standing in line for half an hour holding 20 pounds and $400 worth of books to only get $30 back, but I love punching the cashier in the face.  

Well, I for one feel much better about getting that off my chest.  Sorry if I offended any vegetarians, gross drinkers, or pairs of shorts but maybe this will teach you to not suck so much.  Peace and love!

1 comment:

  1. I am a vegetarian and vegetarians annoy me. Well said.