Tutorial Tuesday: How to Hit on a Girl

There's no doubt college is the most glorious time in someone's life (besides being a baby when you can be naked, poop anywhere, and not have to feed yourself...which I guess is surprisingly similar to some people's college lifestyle).  College is one of the best times to date people because as my mom once pointed out to me, there is a pre-screened group of thousands of people who are the same age as you, with fairly similar interests, who are assumedly smart (although I have found copious evidence against this).

Now, apologies are in order because I’ve been under the impression that most of my devoted readers (that means you) are biddies like me, but I realize that I may have been too quick to categorize my audience. For all the dudes out there that are just trying to find yourself a classy lady, this tutorial is for you.

Let's say you've found the lucky girl and are ready to make some moves. Here's a flow chart to help you get started.

As you can see I've identified two main strategies: using a wingman and using a line.  She may or may not fall for either of those but it is a safe starting point.  

Haaaave you met Ted?

Once you start conversing with her look for some signs to see if she's into you.  If she's looking at her split ends she's probably bored.  Try a few dance moves (ask her before you dance up behind her though, it's weird when people sneak-attack you), ask her if she likes cats or dogs better, or if you have any party tricks like hand-walking or kleptomania now would be a good time to show off your skills.

So now that you've enticed her with your personality, a crucial time of the night is approaching: the end of it.  It is VERY IMPORTANT not to screw this up.  You don't want to come on too strong but you also don't want her to slip through your fingers like a bar of soap (girls do that, you know).  Don't ask her to walk you home because after all you are a man and also people see right through that crap.  DO ask her for her phone number but in order not to seem too into her - which would lead to her knowing for sure that you like her which would lead to you dating which would lead to her feeling like she doesn't have to look cute around you anymore, which before you know it takes you right into your mid-40s - keep it casual.  Turn to the side (don't look her head on) and say, "Let me get your number" as you look at your phone.  

Based on this exchange she might assume that you are a douchebag but here is where you can turn the odds in your favor.  Text her THE NEXT DAY about how you liked meeting her, blah blah blah, and if she wants to get lunch soon.  Douchebags either text 3 or more days later, only past 10 p.m., or never, so she will think you are totally cute.  If she's a biddie take her to Panera, if she's eclectic take her somewhere downtown (no burger joints unless you know she's a carnivore), or if she's me take her to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.  Lunch is a safe bet because if you have the time of your life you can continue doing so the rest of the day, but if it's a bust you can skip out to go to your "dentist appointment."

I'm a girl, you can trust me that all of this is accurate and guaranteed.  Just remember to be the respectful gentleman your mom raised you to be and don't be nervous, girls rarely bite.  Although it would be funny if they did.  Kind of.  Uh what?