Friday, December 23, 2011

Annoying People Friday: Special Holiday Edition

I'm not sure what it is but I have just been so full of the holiday spirit lately (unlike my usual Grinchy self)! I've been listening to my beloved Jessica Simpson Christmas album on repeat, sitting by the fire, personally taking responsibility for buying Target's entire stock of candy canes and I even wanted it to snow the other day! I hate snow, and anything dealing with the outdoors between November and March.

But just because it's the second-most glorious time of the year (first being my birthday, duh) doesn't mean you can escape annoying people. Here's a few to avoid this holiday season.

People From Your High School
Reuniting with all your old flames and acquaintances from high school was fun MAYYYBE during freshman year but chances are by now you've forgotten about most of the people with whom you weren't genuinely friends.  A rule that should be abided by all year long but is especially difficult to manage this time of year: Avoid any get-togethers or parties where you could run into those people you've subconsciously repressed.  If you don't, the result will be regressing back into your 17-year old self, just without braces and the gawky high school boyfriend to hold your sweaty hand.  It's very Freudian, just avoid it.

People Who Berate You For Not Loving Egg Nog
This person is usually the host of a holiday party you already don't want to be attending.  They've noticed that you have parked yourself next to the dessert table and are single-handedly demolishing the peppermint bark.  They try to offer you some "nog" as distraction that you are somehow forced to choke down despite your polite refusals.  Excuse me for being not-disgusting and also not wanting to ingest a slimy thick liquid that looks and smells suspiciously like curdled milk. (For more on how nasty eggnog is and other annoying holiday things read this article that I find amusing.)

Don't let this fool you!
Whyyyy so many types?

Santa probably threw this on the ground.

And they don't stop with regular eggnog!

Is this what happens to your bowels after you drink eggnog?

I don't know this lady but she came up when I did a Google Image search for "eggnog yuck."  JUST STAY AWAY FROM IT.
Although if the party needs livening I would suggest expressing your hatred/love for eggnog and see how physical the debate gets; people are rarely neutral about this topic.

Children Under 12
This is another group that should be avoided all year long but especially during Christmas.  Children, if encountered between December 17th-25th can either be found screaming, crying, or running into you with a shopping cart.  I hate when they throw tantrums at the mall about getting their picture taken with Santa, like they are the first ones that have realized how weird and creepy it is.  GET OVER YOURSELF, we've all been there and survived.  I know that my children aren't getting any presents for Christmas until they have their own kids because until then they are all brats.

People Who Care If You Say "Happy Holidays," "Merry Christmas," etc.
I avoid this situation entirely by not wishing anybody any sort of season's greetings.

One last word of advice, don't forget to also lay low around your mom because she's probably real mad that you're not helping cook or wrap presents.  Happy Holidays!