Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Gimme Yo Number, and I'll Call, and I'll Follow the Mall

If you stop to think about it, winter 'tis the season to be a biddie.  Officially starting the holidays with Black Friday, biddies can shop till they drop all the way through December, get a whole bunch of glittery loot and new clothes on the 25th, and ring in the New Year with a bottle of champagne and a midnight make-out sesh.  But amidst all the holiday hullabaloo is the awkward 5-day stretch between Christmas and New Year's Eve, through which we are currently trudging.  

I'm on winter break, and while I love being home I miss my daily dose of JMU biddies!!  I may or may not have set this as my homepage...But in an effort to make my life interesting once again, I ventured outside to Valley View Mall in the neighboring metropolis of Roanoke, which all the little Blacksburg country mice refer to as "the Big City."  Roanoke is not classy, it is weird and sketchy and is the place of my birth so I think that tells you all you need to know. 
This is Roanoke's star attraction (haha get it??).  It's less cool in real life (although there is a zoo with prairie dogs close by).  Sadly I've been on a date there.  

Now I'm kind of a contradiction because while I hate being around people, I love people watching.  Malls and airports are my favorite spectator spots and amidst climbing over skimpy sale racks and piles of mismatched shoes I spotted several different types of biddies today.

The Pre-Biddie
Anywhere between the ages of 11 and 14, the pre-biddie is awkward because she's in Hollister buying clothes for normal biddies, has a cell-phone she's texting and walking with (UGH), and might be wearing the same outfit as you, just 5 sizes smaller.  Don't be fooled because she is only a child masquerading as a biddie.  Pre-biddies are particularly freaky and I don't know why they are at Express and not Limited Too.  In my day we went to Aeropostale but apparently Anne Taylor Loft is all the rage among tweens these days.
Tweens these days, am I right??!

The Pregnant Biddie
I was shopping with my mom and pregnant sister-in-law, so we made a stop in Motherhood Maternity, or something.  Actually, I was there for about 5 seconds before I started feeling too out of place and had to leave.  Pregnant biddies have an up on the rest of us because they get to act however they want (the only perk of being pregnant, in my opinion) so they have an attitude much larger than their baby bump.  
Work it ladies!!

The Home From College Biddie
Just a regular biddie, but she's with her mom so she is milking daddy's credit card for all it's worth.  She can be found convincing her mom to buy her a glitter skirt and/or leopard print heels in Charlotte Russe.  (This is me.)
But seriously I need these.  Also, did you know there is a whole section on for "Going Out" shoes?!  Biddie paradise!

The High School Biddie
Apparently there's not enough to do in Roanoke (not surprising) so the mall has become the hot date spot.  These biddies are kind of trashy and think it's cute to wander around holding hands with their boyfriend (who has his other hand occupied by holding up his sagging pants) going the pace of a dead snail.

If you are one of the lucky few who don't go to malls except for after Christmas to make returns, there are a few places to avoid if you're trying to stay away from biddies.  Don't go to the Clinique counter at JC Penney, Victoria's Secret, Bath and Body Works, DEB, any of the places mentioned in this post, or the Dippin Dots booth in the food court.