Tuesday, December 20, 2011

What Happens When I Bake

Ever since I was little I have hated baking (except when my mom would leave the room to take a phone call and I would stuff as much sugar cookie dough into my mouth as I could before she returned).  Unfortunately for me, I am the only girl in my family and was basically bred to do girly things.  By age 4 I think my clothes took up 2 closets and we had a Rubbermaid full of bows to match every outfit.  I can sew, braid hair, shop till I drop, and arrange a damn good kitchen table centerpiece but do NOT ask me to cook.

My mom expended exorbitant effort trying to prepare me for living on my own, teaching me how to make mashed potatoes and open cans, but I think she gave up after my 7th meltdown over having to touch raw chicken breasts (ha, breasts).

In one last attempt to turn her failure of a daughter into a self-sufficient young lady she put together a cookbook full of "easy" family recipes with 8 ingredients or fewer.  I've tried a couple, ruined both, and given up because both times I have ended up having to clean up my entire house because of cheese explosions.  I don't know how I manage to mess up macaroni and cheese but let me assure you, it can be done.

So recently I mentioned I have a very limited budget.  In efforts to save money on Christmas presents I  have decided to bake for my family members (if you're a family member reading this, sorry, no surprises for you this year), which should be interesting considering I can't bake.  My problem is that I see all these cute things on Pinterest but don't let the pictures fool you, your version will look like vomit, or the cake in "Sleeping Beauty."
I don't know about you guys but that actually looks delicious.

Today I decided to make no-bake cookies.  It seemed like the perfect option for me...no ovens, no casual house fires, what could go wrong?  The answer is EVERYTHING.  I never read the recipes all the way through so by the time I realized we were out of cocoa powder the sugar and butter concoction was boiling over onto the stove.  Then I decided it would be good to substitute Swiss Miss hot chocolate mix for unsweetened cocoa powder so whoever eats the cookies will immediately keel over from sugar overload (my plan is falling into place BWAHAHAHA).

The cookies are supposed to look like this:

They kind of do, just imagine that kind of texture covering the cabinets in our kitchen and some in my hair.

What this experience has taught me is that because my chances of getting rich are pretty slim maybe I can start a cooking show where people laugh at my misfortunes and grease fires.  We wouldn't have to pay writers because the script would consist of me squealing and screaming, but of course there would be employees to clean up after my mess.