Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Warning: I have the maturity of a 12 year old boy

There are a couple things that I love discussing.  One is conspiracy theories and the other is funny things (sometimes they are the same).

In the last issue of JMU’s student newspaper, The Breeze, there was a “he-said-she-said” type column on passing gas (you can read it by clicking this thing: ).  The opinion from both genders was essentially the same…that it happens and it’s kind of funny and that’s it. 

WRONG.  SO SO WRONG.  I have two strong opinions about farts, which apparently my fellow students/journalists do not.  Firstly, they are hilarious.  There’s only one thing that is as consistently funny as farts and that is jokes about farts (although Southern accents are a close second).  Secondly, farts are a great way to tell how good of friends you are with someone.  It’s one thing to be able to fart in front of someone, but to be able to talk freely about it…what else does one strive for in a relationship?  (Although I would never, ever poop at my [hypothetical…I mean “totally real and hot”] boyfriend’s house.  Because I don't poop.)

One of the authors says “my advice is to just let it fly, lest you risk extreme discomfort. The social contract will hopefully kick in, and no one will say anything.
And, if they do, just smile and apologize politely; they're probably doing the exact same thing.”

This is also a grave mistake.  You, as the fartee (person who heard/smelled/felt(?) the fart) need to laugh about it.  Hard, and for a long time.  And if the farter is a cool person they’ll laugh too.  If they are a prude then they’ll be embarrassed and in that case I don’t really have anything else to say to them.  Friendship terminated, see ya never.  It sounds extreme but if you can’t laugh at air passing through your butthole maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your life.  Just saying.

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