Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Gender Studies 101

I had difficulty figuring out how to start this post, but I decided to go with a blunt opening: I’m not transgendered, but I consider myself kind of a dude.  I grew up with three older brothers and to be honest, I enjoy the friendships I have with guys way more than those I have with girls.  Boy friendships are less work and less dramatic and boys are just funnier (the reason I’m hilarious is because I’m half-dude).  By the same token though, I am also a straight biddie.  I wear yoga pants and letters, I talk about Target and boys all the time, and sometimes I just want to have a “girls’ night out, you know??”  So excuse me for being self-righteous, but I think I understand both genders pretty well.  That being said, I’m going to address some uncertainties you might have about gender disparities.

Many women wonder what boys talk about when they’re hanging out.  If you’re a boy and you’ve ever had your girlfriend or friendgirl or whatever ask you the age-old question “so what DO guys talk about when there are no girls around?” she really wants to know if you discuss her with your friends.  But girls, let me spit the truth.  Boys do NOT sit around and ask their man friends to analyze texts you send him and if they mean that you like him, so don’t flatter yourself.  I go backpacking about once a year with my brothers and for three days it’s straight boy talk.  If you really want to know what boys talk about, I’ll tell you but it’s not exciting.  They talk about working out and pooping.  There may be some deviation from those topics but only until there is another bowel movement. 

I’m not a man-hater (three weeks out of the month) but there is one thing I HATE that guys do.  Boys, you need to find something else to complain about besides girls who wear leggings as pants or wear UGG boots.  First of all, there are better things to worry about in life.  If you need me to name a few, get off my blog and don’t ever speak to me again.  Second of all, both of those items are pretty freaking comfortable.  Thirdly, you need to shut your pie hole because I don’t see YOU ever having to wear tights, liquid eyeliner, or tampons.  Fourthly, I’d be willing to bet money that a girl in leggings has never started a war or probably even stolen money from you.  It ain’t bothering you, so mind your own.

If there is one thing I write on this blog that I hope resonates with you, it has to be this:  ladies, if your boyfriend has pissed you off and he asks what’s wrong, for the love of whatever you pray to do NOT say “I’m fine.”  I’d also be willing to bet that half the world’s problems would be solved if you just told him what he did.  Boys are pretty dense and they don’t pick up on hints.  For example, I’ve told every boy I’ve ever liked that my favorite flowers are sunflowers; have any of them ever blindfolded me, taken me to a sunflower farm where a picnic was waiting and then serenade me on the acoustic guitar as I eat chocolate-covered strawberries?  No.  Because they don’t pick up on hints.  So my advice is to just be honest, for the sake of efficiency. 

Lastly, the stereotype that women are bad drivers is absolutely true.  I’ll be driving along, do something reckless or rude, and then as the person I cut off passes me I’ll put my phone down like I wasn’t texting and know that they’re judging me because I’m a girl and I’m wearing aviators with fake rhinestones.  As they should.  But seriously, a boy’s main concern while driving is probably NOT finding the right song on their iPod Touch. 

I hope this helped clear up some misconceptions and that you’re now well on your way to having fulfilling, confusion-free relationships with members of the opposite sex.  Hugs, kisses, and atta-boy butt slaps.